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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit nervous about Dh coming home..

215 replies

EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:07

... because he's always disappointed in what I've got done? I'm always mentally rehearsing how I can 'play up' what I've done.

He'll nod, and then a few minutes later he'll ask what else I've done. And he'll just make me feel that he's so disappointed. He's at work all day, I'm at home with the kids, blah de blah.

And to his credit, he does do stuff in the house, when he's got exasperated with the fact that I haven't done it.

Today, I've done a couple of washing and managed to get them on the line to dry. I've washed up, cleaned surfaces and cleaned the kitchen floor, and tidied the front room ready for him to vacuum (I can't push the vacuum round myself) Plus looked after four children under 7.

But I just know it's not going to be good enough, and I'm feeling really crappy about that today.

OP posts:
PosieParker · 09/05/2008 18:50

Christian principles are not about domineering and controlling ones spouse, but I agree that adding insult to her husband cannot be doing any good. If he was an abuser (which I'm not saying he is) I wouldn't think a few strong opinions would change his outlook.

serenity · 09/05/2008 19:34

she's actually gone. I really liked Sue.

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 19:36

I only read the first post and a reference to her husband being controlling. That doesn't always mean it's an abusive relationship. It's impossible to look outside and into someone else's marriage like that and what is exactly what some people want is abuse to someone else. If women want to vow to obey I don't see what's wrong with that either if they're making an informed choice about it and similarly the other way round - man obeying woman if they choose that.

If she's not happy then she's not happy and I'm sure he'd prefer a happy wife.

May be she isn't very good at housework. Perhaps he should pay for someone else to do that to save the problem over it.

Personally I don't think anyone should put details anonymously on the internet about their spouse without their permission. I know it's helpful but it is in a way a betrayal of trust and there's always the risk someone you know might find out as has happened on MN before now. I try never to mention men on line although I do sometimes mention what the children have done so may be that's just as bad.

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 19:37

..and actually I have said a bit of stuff about my ex husband so I'm obviously entirely inconsistent on this point.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 19:38

Xenia, Good God woman you are human!!

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 19:44

Perhaps I ought to go and read the thread. Did her husband make her apologise online?
It's so hard on line to know what is right and what is wrong. Perhaps she really is pretty hopeless at housework and doesn't get much done. Who can say? Or perhaps they just have very different standards. I like really clear surfaces and no mess. Other people don't mind mess. My ex husband who taught in loads of homes used to comment on how different some were. One was just absolutel piled high with junk in every room, right to the ceiling in one room. In another there were bare boards and dogs all over. Others were pristine.

bran · 09/05/2008 19:49

Sometimes I wish I did believe in God, because if it was true then some people who pretend to be a good Christian would be due an eternity of suffering while they reflect on how they completely and deliberately misinterpreted the whole philosophy of Christianity. I really hope that your dh sees the light and gets some better messages from his religion SueBaroo, and that life gets more bearable for you.

beaniesteve · 09/05/2008 19:52

Xenia, your posts make sense. From the Husband's point of view all this could be very distressing particularly if the OP hasn't tried to talk to her OH about their differing standards or the way he makes her feel.

On the other hand I lived with someone who had very high standards and although I tried to moove towards his standards he absolutely refused to move to mine.

It can be very frustrating.

theAfkaUrbanDryad · 09/05/2008 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 20:10

Which page are the posts by the husband on? I a not going to read all 6 pages.

beaniesteve · 09/05/2008 20:11

Did he actually post? I think she came on and said that he wanted ther to post a public apology.

NotABanana · 09/05/2008 20:20

I am concerned that the more people call him a prick, a bully, etc, he will take it out on her.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 20:26

Xenia, page 3, 14.12

AMumInScotland · 09/05/2008 20:36

Mr Baroo - I think that you should consider very carefully whether your treatment of your wife has been acceptable by the standards you believe in. Perhaps it was unwise of her to post about your problems here, but she is in a situation where it is difficult for her to speak about these issues in real life. She has helped many people on here with their problems, and came to us for support which she was not finding elsewhere.

Even those Christians who believe that the husband is the head of the wife do not believe that a wife should be afraid of her husband.

Monkeytrousers · 09/05/2008 20:38

"Personally I don't think anyone should put details anonymously on the internet about their spouse without their permission."

WTF!

Does the same go for chatting and confiding in friend in RL, who know more about the persons identity??

Permission infuckingdeed. And after all you have said about cnesorship on the internet. Hipocrite.

NotABanana · 09/05/2008 20:41

no page 3 14:12 for me

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 20:43

I don't think it is necessarily acceptable to slate a spouse on an internet bulletin board without their permission but I know a lot of women feel better for having the outlet to do so and a lot do spend a lot of time in public with friends slagging off their husbands in a way that I really find so disloyal.

Anyway it sounds like she's gone, so that's that.

This is what happens when women don't work of course and all the power and money is with men.

"Dh has asked me to apologize to him publicly for this thread. I'm sorry.

I'm going to delete my MN registration entirely. Thanks to everyone who has supported over my time on here, both as SueBaroo and in the past couple of weeks under this name. I can't even begin to say how nice it has been to be able to offload, but I know now that it's not acceptable."

NotABanana · 09/05/2008 20:45

It IS acceptable. MN is better than RL in some ways as you can use a talk name and not your real one.

Blueskythinker · 09/05/2008 20:54

I feel so saddened by this. SB has had to publicly apologise, like a naughty child .

And the worst thing is, that when Mr B reads this, he will dismiss us all as aggressive bra burning feminists, which his wife is well away from. He will totally turn this around to make him blameless.

FWIW, I try my best to keep the house tidy, but there is a direct negative correlation between the tidyness of our house and the amount of fun I have had with the children.

Monkeytrousers · 09/05/2008 20:59

Oh fuck off Xenia. How may forums are there in cybersapce? Who the crap do you think is reading them?? No one, is who. Just the posters. It's screaming into a void - perfect for letting off steam about life. Why would anyone need another persons permission to talk about their own life?! Anonymously??

This has nothing to do with your monotnous script on life and morals. I've had it with you and your endless narcissism

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 21:00

If your husband is really so controlling and overbearing and negative then I think his wife really needs someone to talk to. Where's his loyalty if he controls his wife like that? It's not about loyalty needing to get some perspective and help.

I think this "I work therefore I have all the power" mentality is incredibly simplistic and naive.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 09/05/2008 21:01

This is one of the things that I hate about mumnets, a bit fat reality check that some other people's lives are shit, and I have no way I can help these people.

It's housework FFS! That's all it is, it's not worth all this (and Xenia - it's not always as easy at getting a cleaner, believe me if I could afford it I would).

MrBaroo if you are still reading this let me tell you that my DH never questioned what I did all day while on maternity leave, we now both work part-time and he fully understands that staying at home with kids is about much more than keeping the house tidy, it's about nurturing your children, keeping your sanity and a sense of identity which is easier to do when you work outside of the home.

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 21:02

It does get very predictable this constant justification of one's own life choices. Even in threads where the OP is clearly in a horrible situation.

Judy1234 · 09/05/2008 21:02

Discussing these issues is always interesting. YOu can't talk about your own life without talking about your partner's life. People are sacked from work every week for doing this because they think anonymous okay but in fact some fact or other is slipped out and then it all comes down on their head like that girl civil servant writing about the Government not so long ago and Le Petit Anglaise in Paris who lost her job and that good one in the US a Washington Staffer I think it was writing about people and sex at work. They start not saying much but gradually they say more and more and someone can pick up on it and know you're writing about someone they know.

Someone on here wrote about something tragic in her life and someone another parent at school I think had read it and reacted in a certain way at school. I suppose in principle I don't accept people should criticise their spouse in public or on ilne because it's disloyal. You may not agree with my view but I'm entitled to have different views from other people.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 09/05/2008 21:13

Unfortunately the internet and its capacity is moving faster than our moral ability to cope with it - hence all the fuss over SWMNBN - had it gone to court I wouldn't have placed my bets on her winning.

Anyway if mr baroo is so upset at anonymous airing of his laundry to people who don't know or care who he is why did he make SB publically apologise?

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