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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit nervous about Dh coming home..

215 replies

EruvandeAini · 08/05/2008 17:07

... because he's always disappointed in what I've got done? I'm always mentally rehearsing how I can 'play up' what I've done.

He'll nod, and then a few minutes later he'll ask what else I've done. And he'll just make me feel that he's so disappointed. He's at work all day, I'm at home with the kids, blah de blah.

And to his credit, he does do stuff in the house, when he's got exasperated with the fact that I haven't done it.

Today, I've done a couple of washing and managed to get them on the line to dry. I've washed up, cleaned surfaces and cleaned the kitchen floor, and tidied the front room ready for him to vacuum (I can't push the vacuum round myself) Plus looked after four children under 7.

But I just know it's not going to be good enough, and I'm feeling really crappy about that today.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 14:35

You and your DH really need to read the book What Mother's Do by Naomi Stadler. It really explains very well how much a mother achieves each day.

Alternatively, you could go away for a couple of days and leave your DH with the children. Perhaps then he would have a better understanding of what work is involved.

You too are at work all day and then some more hours on top of that. I cannot bear these moronic people who think staying at home is a breeze.

WinkyWinkola · 09/05/2008 14:36

PS I'm called Winky because I feel like a house elf sometimes!

dirtylittlepunk · 09/05/2008 14:37

she needs to hit him round the head with the fucking book!
what a wanker

Habbibu · 09/05/2008 14:38

Oh bloody hell. Mr Baroo, if you do read this, then you must know that what you are doing is unacceptable and immoral. Your wife is your equal, in the law, even if in your odd moral code states otherwise. You have no right to treat her like this and no justification.
Sue - I do hope we see you again.

Blu · 09/05/2008 14:46

SueBaroo - sorry I didn't know this was you.

Mister SueBaroo - have you any notion that enforced compliance is of no value to anyone? Not true moral value.

Think very carefully how you use your beliefs.

About power and freedom, love, support and respect.

Sorry for all this SueBaroo. YTou have struck me as a caring, intelligent, kind woman. You have a right to express your hurt and despair - and if one person cannot listen, we can.

We know how you feel even if you are not allowed (can barely say it) to express it here any more.

Blu · 09/05/2008 14:48

SUEBAROO - remember there is free internet access at many libraries.

keepcalmandcarryon · 09/05/2008 14:51

too damn right, all of the above.

Sue/Eruvande - hope you can get through this

what happened to love, honour and cherish? is this him honouring you? cherishing you?

listening here and elsewhere if you need it

with all best wishes

serenity · 09/05/2008 14:52

Sue (knew it was you btw, but wasn't sure if you namechanged for a reason), please don't go

Crap, I haven't got a working email at the moment or I'd say keep in touch that way - don't let him isolate you further. ( it's constantas (at) homechoice (dot) co (dot) uk, but I don't know when it'll be working again)

If you have to delete MN, then you know there's a lot of us on facebook if you need/want to contact any of us that way.

You have NOT done anything wrong, you have no need to apologise to anyone.

Habbibu · 09/05/2008 14:58

Oh Lord. Have you seen this? I think we can safely assume that Sue's H is still reading. Wish he was man enough to come and talk himself...

jesuswhatnext · 09/05/2008 15:05

he isn't man enough to post, the bloke is a bully and we ALL know bullies are cowards!

sooner or later the 'little mouse' will become a 'mighty lionness' she sounds an intelligent person and something will eventually make her think 'enough is enough'

he better be ready to run for the hills.....

moyasmum · 09/05/2008 15:11

....their are a number of resonable blokes on mn, he could talk to ,he really mustn't be shy.

Blu · 09/05/2008 15:11

Habbibu?

Not sure what we're looking for there.

Habbibu · 09/05/2008 15:13

I don't know how to link to individual posts:

By EruvandeAini on Fri 09-May-08 12:30:30
Dh just sent me this link from work. I'm posting here so he knows I've read it

sitdownpleasegeorge · 09/05/2008 15:18

Suebaroo

I'm horrified by your husbands controlling behaviour. Posting on here is a lot less like "gossiping about him" than telling a bunch of mums at a local mother and toddler group the same stuff about him and believe me some ladies spill the beans in minute detail.

MrBaroo you are out of order. Your wife is not your domestic help to be ordered around and directed as you see fit. If you want a robot wife, fine (you weirdo) but you are crushing the will to get up each morning out of a living breathing member of the human race by bullying her and you should take a long hard look at yourself and your motivation for your actions. She has constructively sought out an anonymous discreet outlet for her frustration at your treatment.

You get mental stimulation and highs and lows, praise and possibly criticism at work together with your work colleagues. Do you never have a mutual moan with someone at work to ease your frustration over an issue or two ?

Your wife is responsible for 4 children under the age of 7. Do you realise that would need to be covered by a full-time nanny if your wife was incapacitated by say, being run over by a bus. The nanny would maybe attend to the most of the children's laundry( Mon - Fri) and a bit of tidying but you'd also need to employ a cleaner for say 10 hours a week and who would cook the meals for the children when the nanny wasn't there ? Wake up to the amount of different roles your wife fulfils and get a cleaner if having a clean/tidy home matters so much to you.

Suebaroo, I work because my dh too shows no appreciation of any domestic work undertaken be it childcare or laundry/cleaning or managing the finances. He just expects it to happen and moans when it doesn't happen (as in the case of the housework but I do the laundry and ironing ,pot washing, bin emptying, manage the finances and outsource the childcare). I'd rather be getting pats on the back at work to counteract the negative comments about lack of housework. Staying at home is not an option for a happy life for me as it would put me completely at the mercy of a demanding, unappreciative boss with zero people management skills, pretty much like the situation you seem to find yourself in at present. I have just approached an agency to find a cleaner despite my dh's opposition and him declaring that I'm just being lazy because after many years of soul searching I realise he is not on the same planet as me in terms of reality and quality of life being important for both partners in the marriage not just himself.

People like you Mr Baroo are why Xenia has a point about women risking sooooo much if they do not return to work after children arrive.

Blu · 09/05/2008 15:23

I would hang my head in shame if someone who needed love and suport was actually afraid of me.

I am not so weak in my self respect and my need to have my image grandstanded, that I demand public apologies from people, or are afraid and angry about what they might say about me.

MrBaroo - 'Suebaroo' and you are both anonymous. We have no idea who you are.

But we know what it takes for you to feel strong.

But does it feel good? or healthy?

SueB - please, take great care of yourself. Whatever that takes.

jesuswhatnext · 09/05/2008 15:28

well said blu!

TigerFeet · 09/05/2008 15:30

SueBaroo

justaboutdisappeared · 09/05/2008 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EffiePerine · 09/05/2008 15:58

so sorry you feel you have to do this Sue

hope you manage to find a way to come back on here for the support you need

sitdownpleasegeorge · 09/05/2008 16:57

I notice that Mr Suebaroo has nothing to say in defence of his behaviour and I'm so hoping that he has rethought his actions in respect of Suebaroo and realised that he's being unreasonable on many levels.

justaboutdisappeared · 09/05/2008 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 09/05/2008 17:07

Maybe her husband stood over her and forced her to delete her registration.

Even if he didn't stand over her, it looks like he has used emotional blackmail to deprive her of support and an outlet for frustration with her life as a SAHM.

SueBaroo, join up again at internet cafe or library or something, don't give up !

justaboutdisappeared · 09/05/2008 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisteria · 09/05/2008 17:21

Jesus - just looked at this .

Will someone please reassure me that we do actually live in the 21st century and not still in the 1950s??

Sue - I hope you are still lurking at least and find a way to stop allowing your dh to control you like this, it's antiquated IMHO.

MadamePlatypus · 09/05/2008 17:25

Had to skip forward and post when I saw you were homeschooling as well. Do teachers do housework while they are teaching? Anyway, then as I skimmed I saw that it was Suebaroo. I haven't always completely agreed with your opinion Suebaroo, but I have always really respected your intelligence and if anybody could make me agree with a christian fundamentalist it would be you. Am very sad to see that your DH has made you think of yourself like this.