I wasn't invited to my coworker's house warming party

[user1471867483]

Everyone in my office was invited except me. I live 30 miles away so really I couldn't have made it, but I would've bought him a house warming gift. He said he'd invite me, but I only knew he had the party just this weekend as everyone in the office is talking about it now and I can't join in as in the end I wasn't invited. I feel so embarrassed. He has the day off today. I feel rejected and left out. Am I being too sensitive? The others live nearer him (so maybe they could have made it there better than me) and one lives far away from him like I do, but he still he got invited 🤔

It is hurtful to be left out if everyone else is invited. It happened to me once and I was hurt and couldn't understand it. I agree it is often the helpful people who this happens to.

Stop taking in the paper for him and let him get on with his own work. He has shown you how much he takes your kindness for granted so stop doing it. Stay professional and polite in the work place with him but stop being extra helpful.

Best wishes to you OP.

I had this exact situation except my colleague deliberately didn't invite me. We had a group of colleagues who used to do things together fairly often - BBQs or dinners at each other's houses - and one day one colleague decided to make a big and awkward announcement to me that they were hosting a special dinner together with the rest of the group for Christmas, but that I - and only I specifically - wasn't invited.

He said that there simply wasn't room in his house for me (only me). I never understood this because their house is large, there was always plenty of space, the rest of the group still fit perfectly fine and they even invited another new colleague who had never attended before, so space clearly wasn't an issue.

I can't for the life of me work out what I've done to offend the host.There had been no conflict, no hostility, no situation I can think of that could possibly have been the cause. And I've never been invited to anything again!

It makes you realise that colleagues often aren't real friends. I now keep them at arm's length, just being civil at work but no effort outside of work.

You do all that for him? Does he ask you to bring him the Metro? It sounds as though you fancy him and he's possibly a bit freaked out by you.

I'm sorry to hear that happened, and it couldn't have felt nice at all. You could use it as an opportunity for self reflection and ask yourself some difficult and honest questions. It is telling when colleagues exclude you. Either you're just on a different wavelength to them or you might engage in conversation and topics that upset the group when you're there. Whatever it is, if it bothers you enough perhaps it is worth asking close friends or people you trust if they can help to unearth what it could be.

The others won't know you haven't been invited?

Did you say early on before invites went out that you lived far away and would struggle to get there?

How were the invites sent? WhatsApp? Email? Has he got the right contact details? I'd be bold and say you didn't receive the details, can he resend?

I think this is an oversight.

Honestly, there was nothing. This particular host and I previously got on great and the group always had a laugh. We had lots in common, which is why we started to socialise like this outside of work. At events, the hosts would ask me to stay later and keep chatting with them after everyone else had gone and at each event even offered to let me stay over in their spare room so I didn't have to travel home. No warning signs at all.

The only thing I can think is that these hosts are a married couple. At the last event I was ever invited to, one of them (the one whose idea it was to exclude me) drunkenly disclosed something MASSIVE to me that night that could (and would, rightfully!) destroy his marriage if it got out. I'd never tell anyone as it's not my place to meddle, but I wonder if he might want to keep me at arm's length from the rest of the group to make sure I never tell anyone.

Sometimes you just never find out the reason for these things.

@Mum2So Bit of a stretch to say she freaks him out - she's just being nice!
OP, please don't change your behaviour, just forget the party event & move on.

Ye, you know what, the massive secret you were told which would affect his life only might have been the issue...

So OP comes back and doesn't answer any of the pertinent questions about how invites went out etc but just tries to claim she was "worthy" because she brings in the Metro (a FREE paper you just pick up on the bus/train and hardly any effort) and helps him with his work (which imo would be expected of colleagues to help each other out)

How did he invite the others? Was it a fb event page, a mass text? I doubt he handed out paper invites. He said you would be invited, so in theory you would have been. You also say you wouldn’t be able to attend. Was he aware of this? Because he might easily have left you out if you already alluded to the distance or another colleague told him you said you couldn’t attend.

I think it’s fine to be a bit put out or upset but your comment of “obviously I just don’t have what it takes” really stuck out to me. What do you mean have what it takes? I think this and bringing up your lifelong/childhood rejection makes me feel it’s being blown out a little. Maybe he feels you’re a bit intense?

You bring a free paper in every day, but think this has earned you something. As well you’re commenting that you help him on calls where his particular accent is causing problems? Eh, I think this is just your job.

Assuming someone wouldn’t come wouldn’t stop me from inviting them and saying ‘You’re very welcome if you change your mind - Here’s the address and date/time.’

In OPs case he mentioned it and then never followed up. She had no idea when it was happening until it was discussed after the event. It does sting when everyone else is invited.

When he said he would be inviting you did you say anything to suggest you couldn't make it ,it was too far away . If so he probably decided there was no point following up with an invitation.

Some people really are cunts aren’t they? You have to be a different kind of vile to rub it into someone’s face like this.

It’s reminded me of when I had an extra retail job one Christmas when my daughter was young. They would all come up to me, despite claiming to forget my name daily, and go on and on about their Christmas night out and then ask me what I would be doing that night as if they expected me to have no plans. As it happened my fiancé at the time had booked us a weekend in London. They had no idea I had a daughter and family of my own and so it soon shut them up when they realised my life was actually better than theirs and their pub crawl around Newcastle.

It wouldn’t stop me, either, but I can absolutely see how someone else might think ‘No point in inviting X — she lives 30 miles away, would have a huge round trip, and wouldn’t even be able to have a glass of wine’, and not issue the invitation, with absolutely no malicious intent, just thinking it’s silly to invite someone you know can’t come, just as a gesture.

I agree with this. Remain professional but keep your distance now. If it was a genuine oversight he would be finding you and apologising to you.

In my workplace we’ve had training where we’re told that deliberately excluding someone is bullying behaviour. I know this was a personal event so I’d probably ignore it but never forget it happened and no longer consider him a friend, just a colleague.

13 years ago I was the only one not invited to a colleagues wedding - someone was showing round photos and I saw them, it was so hurtful. I don't even work with her anymore and it still stings. In her case, she said afterwards she didn't think I'd be able to get a babysitter and did apologise but the damage was done and I felt very firmly put in my place.

My dad also did this to me. Got a text from my cousin asking when I was arriving to a BBQ at my dads house - hadn't even known it was happening. With him he genuinely did think "she lives 200 miles away and won't be able to come, so won't bother inviting her" - with him I did tell him that he should at least let me know! Funnily enough that one hurt less, I kind of expect that level of thoughtlessness.

So I get you.

But it probably wasn’t an oversight, just him being practical and thinking ‘No point in inviting X, she lives much too far away’. It would have been a completely empty gesture. It’s an empty gesture the OP would like him to have made, clearly, but he’s not to know that!

It might even be that he believed he was being thoughtful, that he worried she might have felt obliged to attend if invited.

In neither case can I see any reason at all why he owes her an apology.

I wrote that the OP's actions 'might have "possibly" freaked him out a bit' not 'you have freaked him out!'. There's a difference there.

It does sound as though the OP likes the guy and he is uncomfortable with her being in his home. I mean, it was odd of him to mention that he would invite her, almost as if to manage her expectations, and then pull the rug from under her feet at the last moment. It's the same as when people say they're committed to a social engagement weeks before and then change their mind at the last minute. It's just so that they don't have to deal with weeks of questions or ill-feeling, only to deliver the punch right at the end

I've never been given formal invitations to house parties. Maybe a WhatsApp group but usually it's we're having a party on x date, please come if you can.

Gosh no way. If you saw him. He has BO and picks his nose and ears. Yuk.

Thank you all for your replies. I'll just move on now and think nothing more on it (try to). I guess I have have insecurity issues.

And still OP ignores the questions...

Most people have insecurity issues.

Even the most confident person would be perplexed at a half invitation.

He has damaged the relationship.

Mum2So Give it a rest.

In light of your updates I’d be glad then I didn’t go to the party!!

Definitely stop doing all of that for him!