Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

What if you turn the rest of your life upside down to fill this hole and it doesn't fill it?

It really depends in your circumstances. Do you have a stable work and home life a partner, family support or a close network of friends. Having a child at any age is hard but it's unbelievably difficult if you have no support. There's also risks relating to your age. I was in my early thirties having my only child and it was bloody tough but I wouldn't change it. Best of luck whatever you decide ❤️

I think this isn't one of those questions where one size fits all. There's a lot of 'depends on..'
I.e, how old is the father (is there a father?), financial situation (as with bringing any child into the world), and also just how you personally feel. I had mine at 31 and often think about what age I will be at certain stages of his life.

It’s now quite common for people to have babies in their forties. People are living longer and your forties are not as far down life’s path as they were say in the 1950s or 1960s. Unfortunately the biological clock is still limited and you just aren’t as fertile by 45.

I think some people find young children in their forties very hard work, much harder than in your twenties and thirties, but for others it gives a new lease of life and energy. Basically as ever everyone is different. Some people don’t undertake the appeal of kids at all.

Life circumstances are normally what delays motherhood. I think it’s quite unusual to be happily child free and suddenly wake up in your mid forties and think it sounds a great idea.

My parents died young. I was very early 20’s.
I believe anyone with children, whatever their age should have comprehensive life insurance and critical illness coverage. The fact my parents had made it so much easier for me.
DH and I friendship group are 50ish. In the last 18mths we have been to the funerals of two people in their late 40s, one cancer one heart attack. There are 4 other friends that had heart attacks of various severity, 5 other cancer diagnosis’s, 3 of which will hopefully make a full recovery, the other two most likely wont.
Go for it if you want, but have a plan in place if you turn out to be one of the unlucky ones on the middle aged snipers alley!

I’d question what has changed your mind at this late stage, hormones having a last hurrah?

Umm, dysfunctional?? That’s a bit rude.
more common in working class families maybe but that is not synonymous with dysfunctional. I know a couple of women who were grandparents in their 30s, none of them are in the least dysfunctional.

I'm 41, work full time in a demanding role, I have 2DC, a toddler and primary school age and I'm knackered, no chance would I have another.
If you wanted to have a child you would have done it before 45, your chances now are pretty much gone so it could just be your hormones. I wouldn't destroy a happy relationship for the chance to have a baby, a slim chance and parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I think 45 is usually too old. I had mine at 35 and 38 - at 40 I am really run down. BUT I have health issues and while we have a comfortable income I can see how different it would be if we could afford a nanny 10-15h a week and a weekly cleaner*. So I do think your finances and health matter. As do your experience and enthusiasm for any increased risks. There’s also a question of financial vs physical help for your kids as they grow. And as a pp has said, you can consider your retirement.

And then of course how long you’re considering trying for. If you’re 44 and going to go off birth control for a year and see what happens or pay for a few rounds of donated sperm with a hard stop in mind, you are cutting it close. If you are going to try for 2 years and IVF for 3… those 5 years push it all later

*and we could afford a cleaner if we didn’t have to pay for occupational therapy for one kid.

It's your choice, your body, your life.

My aunt had her kids at 46 and 48 with IVF. The boys are now in Y9 and Y7 and my aunt has cancer and is exhausted with the treatment. My uncle is 65 and still working with no retirement in sight due to the cost of raising teenagers.

Teenagers can be exhausting. Could you manage that in your late 50s?

It appears that the OP does have a child though.

I had a baby at 40. I would say that is the cut off. As a PP said, a little baby at 45 is easy. Potty training and carrying a buggy/scooter everywhere at nearly 50? Dealing with a recalcitrant teenager when you're 60? Not so much. Is it fair to have a kid in their 20s building their life and career and having to deal with care and any issues you have? It's tough enough for women in their 40s to deal with ageing parents.

You're more likely to have a baby with challenges - autism, downs sydrome and other issues correlate to parental age.

The only way I would consider this (and I do have friends who have had babies this age) is if I was very financially secure, had a much younger (to offset the ageing sperm issue) and also financially secure partner and a lot of family support nearby so if anything goes wrong they have loving carers who will bring them up or support you to do so.

I would DEFINITELY NOT have a baby to 'fill a hole' - no matter how old you are.

Also, to counter the MN bubble, I know plenty of grandparents in their 40s. It used to be common until recently.

45 isn’t too old OP - I’ve known people have kids naturally a few years after this age - one over 50 but unplanned - but all pregnancies went well !!

I can’t understand how it would be ‘unfair’ on the child when lots of 65 year olds are still fit and active by which time child will be adult

Every other week this question comes up on here, 'Am I too old to have a baby at 44, 45, 46, 47???' And the answer is always the same. Of course you are!

If you have to ask, then you know it is!

No-one posts asking 'is 32 too old to have a baby?' (Or even 35, 36, 37...)

The child would still be at school when you are in your mid 60s, you would be putting them through Uni when you're pushing 70, the risks of something being wrong with the child are far greater than a woman having a baby under 40, and it's really selfish, because the child will very likely end up being your carer in their 20s - and then lose you by the time they're 29-30.

A load of stories will pop up on here though saying many women they know had 2-3 babies after 43, and everything was tickety boo, and their great auntie May lives til she was 103, and ran marathons regularly at 99, and their dad's great aunt had a baby at 49. (That was very likely her grandchild really, that happened a lot back in the day!)

Fact is, most people don't have babies past 45, and most peoples health will start to wane at 55-60. And do NOT under-estimate how the menopause will fuck you up! You will be waaaay more tired and weary at 53-56 than you are at 45, and have much less tolerance. You would be bonkers to have a baby at 45-46. Batshit. Oh and NO it is not fair on the child. It's cruel.

Agree with this. I wouldn't choose to have a child at 45 if I could do otherwise, but if I hadn't had kids for whatever reason then age wouldn't stop me.

However, just be aware that you may struggle to have a biological child at 45, your only option might be donor eggs, with the associated costs and difficulties. Again, not what I'd choose as my first option but if I was 45 with no kids then I'd go for it without a second thought.

However, I think it's relevant to ask why you didn't have kids earlier. If it's because of circumstances (no partner before, no money, etc), and you've always wanted to be a mum, I'd go for it. If it's because you were on the fence and only recently decided you want kids after all, then I'd think long and hard about it.

@Starlight7080 many people aren't having dc now & those that do aren't really having them at 25. I don't think those trends will go in reverse.

Healthy life expectancy in the UK is 62 years FYI
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/bulletins/healthstatelifeexpectanciesuk/between2011to2013and2020to2022

This.

You really shouldn’t ignore statistics in terms of the child’s very real potential health issues.

Also would you want to deal with a potentially very problematic teenager in your 60’s?

Natures body clock is there for very good reason. I think women only really learn that, when it’s too late, and they’ve already gone ahead and had the child.

I really feel for you, but being a fit and healthy 45 now and reaching your 50s and 60s is a completely different thing.

Hi all, I'm 42 and not in a relationship but I would like to be and I would like another child but am thinking for the future if that was my upper limit.

I am in a good financial position.
I have a DC14
i always always wanted another but a dv relationship, and then throwing myself into a career and being a mum meant I couldn't even think of these things until now.

Yes, it is unfair on the child, as is creating another human being just to fill a 'hole' in your life. Fill the hole with something else or learn to live with it.

Do you think they regret it ?

I'm not baiting, I just think that if I was your uncle I'd be happy to still have family after my wife passed and not just be alone, and if I was your aunt I'd be glad to have experienced that love and to leave something of me behind after I died.

Their life is probably harder than if they didn't have kids (this is the case for most parents !) but that doesn't mean it's worse. My life is much harder, but also much better, for having kids.

If I was them I might regret not having them sooner, but I wouldn't regret having them.

I think you would need to be mentally robust, financially secure and have a good support system because the chances of things going wrong are high and you'll need additional resources to get through it. Miscarriage, abnormalities and stress on your body are more likely than not at this point.

If you want to, do it. Grandmother had last 41, aunt had last 41, me month before 42, niece 45. All fine. All loved. No problems. Currently looking after grandchildren 1 and 4 ! Definitely more tiring now.

@FKAT

I know plenty of grandparents in their 40s. It used to be common until recently.

when was it common to be a gp in your 40s?

Do you really want to be dealing with a teenager at university/doing A-levels as well as a screaming newborn?

I had my kids at 41 which isn't much difference in age from you. so I think it's fine - but the bigger issue is whether or not you are comfortable using donor eggs?