Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

Wow way to twist words. A hole as in I have always wanted 2. Part of my reasoning is for my other child. Chill out

Are you fit and healthy? Is there a good father around (or, if you're planning to do it alone, are you sure of your support network)? Will they be your first or will they have siblings? Do you feel financially secure enough?

There's so much more to this than just age.

You can be fit and healthy but you're soon to hit menopause, after which a lot of risks go up sharply.

Just to point out:
Routine mammograms for breast cancer start at 50
Routine bowel cancer screening 54
For people aged 25-49 they make up 9% of cancer diagnoses. 50-74 makes up 54% of new cancer diagnoses.

Princess of Wales is very fit and healthy and was diagnosed with cancer at 43 (probably a couple years later if she had had to go through NHS channels though). My boss who ran a marathon last year was diagnosed with bowel cancer on his first NHS screen at 54 just after Christmas.

You could have a baby at 45, totally healthy, and live a long and happy life until you're 100. You could try get pregnant at 45 (at which point miscarriage risk is over 50%), have a profoundly disabled child you're sole caregiver for, and be diagnosed with cancer at your first mammogram at 50 when they're 5 years old. You need to strongly consider impact on your existing child, who would care for them should worst happen.

Consider whether the loss in your life you feel is because you actually want a second child now, or the lingering grief of the DV relationship you were in and the parts of your life you imagined you feel that robbed you of (family unit, stable upbringing for DD1 and wanting a do-over, being able to have a second back then).

Depends on your energy levels. If you are a high energy person you will probably be fine. If you are not you will struggle.

If you have family support it will be easier. If you have none it will be hard, and quite isolating.

As a single parent you do need to think about if the child has additional needs, and what will happen if you die. I am early 50s and am alarmed by the sheer number of people I know who have died in their 40s to 50s, nearly all of them parents. And I don't even have that wide a social network!

I started peri menopause at 44 and had insomnia with it for at least 10 years. I could not begin to imagine coping with a baby and the sleepless nights on top of that.

I had a baby at 38 and I love being an older mum. Financially, mentally and just everything we're in a really good place. However, I'm now 44 and I can't imagine doing it all again with a baby at this age. But that's me and you're you.

If you've already got a 14 year old then I'll revise my response. I think you won't enjoy either of your children. You won't have as much energy for the baby and you'll miss out on some lovely years with your teen ( eg shopping together/eating out/staying up late to chat) because you'll be exhausted with the toddler.

Depends how fit you are I would say. I had my last at 39 and I felt the difference that when I had my others earlier in life. I am over weight though

Then she was a very unhealthy and unfit 20 year old.

This is a question only you can answer..no one is promised a long life and having a child in your 20s does not mean you will live to see them grow up. We all take calculated risks. The decision is yours.

I think the bigger problem will be getting pregnant at 45 even if you're healthy the odds are against you.

@user6432879631 so no actual stats. I wouldn't call 45 yrs ago recent though! 😆

I don't think it's just your age now and a baby that needs to be considered!

55 with a 10 year old
60 with a 15 year old
Etc

And that's all with the best wishes in the world that you'll be healthy or the child will be healthy.

Of course a young mother doesn't know what the future holds either but the chances are in her favour!

Your 14 year old will get way less of your time and resources. Is that really fair?
Sounds like a mid life crisis.

As an older teen your existing child is unlikely to have a meaningful relationship with a baby sibling, especially if they are 15-16 before the potential sibling arrives. It's a huge age difference.

It so depends on your own personal circumstances. I had my first at 35 due to needing ivf due to ny husbands sperm count, and I'm absolutely knackered. I was fit before with am active job and I'm healthy now but I'm just so tired with a bubs who still doesn't sleep all night at 18 months.

I would also say that heart aches change as circumstances do, for example we wanted a child so much and we had one with ivf, and thought we'd be 100% happy forever. But having a child brings new worries and anxieties, and now we worry about him being an only child as we dont live near family and when we're gone worrying what family peers he will have etc. Only children are often super happy and he'll make his own family one day but just using this to illustrate that heart ache follows you with each new era of life, and worries for and about a loved child can cut deep.

It's entirely based on your own circumstances though, I just wanted to male a point that having a child would heal one part of your heart but can also bring its own wounds with the joy.

Crikey. I had my last period at 45!

It doesn't just depend on how fit she is now. OP may well end up working beyond 65 to support the child at university. Unfortunately health can be rather unpredictable in your 60s.

I think it depends on what you want long term. I absolutely would not want to be 60 and dealing with a teenager. Like a PP said it’s not just about having a cute baby.

My grandmother had my mother at 43 and my mother always felt it was too old but I think there’s less of a generational divide nowadays.

Ah just saw you have another child already so know the anxieties of children 😅

Not always the case.
My gran was almost 60 when I came along. My Mum was almost 60 when I had my 1st.

I had my last baby aged 44, he's an absolute joy and I feel no more tired now than when I had my first aged 26. If anything I take much better care of myself and exercise more now than I did then.
I know a few of my parents friends who had babies in their 40's for various reasons, all those children are now into adult life and the parents still going strong, 70 these days can be a lot different to years ago.
There are no guarantees in life and no one can tell you how it will be for you.

So 60 with a 15 year old. It is highly subjective of course, but energy depletes every decade. I had dc1 at 31, and dc2 at 34, meaning at one point I had 2 dc under 3yrs. I'm now 39, and they're at nice ages, I have more time to myself now, yet I have less energy than I did then; it could be all of the sleepless nights, and generally parenting spanning over more years that are adding to it. I'm fit, slim, eat well and look after myself, but if I had have personally don't it later it would have been too much. One of my dcs is ND, so you always have that risk too, and dealing with potential extra challenges at an older age.
I underestimated the logistics of all the school runs, homework, safeguarding, parenting decisions, anxiety about doing the right things as a parent to keep them mentally healthy as well as physically. It is exhausting; I can only imagine the challenges that will come when they're teenagers, which I'll be in my 40s for most of.

That's early.

OP you mention your 14 year old. Realistically any gap is going to be so large that they won't have a traditional sibling relationship. Now, I have a sibling who was nearly 17 when I was born and we're close, but I have seen threads on here where a lot of people spoke about how much they disliked and resented having baby siblings in their teens, and how they have little relationship with them. So that's something else to consider.

I had my 3 rd child at 46, pregnant at 45, was a total surprise, tried for a 3rd for years, wasn’t meant to be.
he is 5 now, a joy, the easiest, my other two are 15 and 13.

everybody says hard with ménopause, I haven’t hit that yet, some people hit the menopause early some people later.

as I was self employed I only had a week off, you make it work if you want, my husband was very hands on, even now, he is outside with my husband, digging, riding his bikes, if you don’t have a supportive partner, that could be difficult.

when you think in 5 years my others will adults we still will have my son at home.

definitely makes you feel younger. Every situation is different.