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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to leave my kids for this

223 replies

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:47

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

OP posts:

Catza · 06/02/2025 16:49

There is probably not a lot you can say that would make it sound acceptable by your friends so you may as well come out with it straight: "I know it will probably sound silly and unreasonable but I just don't feel like leaving my kids overnight". Job done.

PercyFone · 06/02/2025 16:51

It's totally fine. I've had a BF 2 year old so I get it, and if you don't enjoy it, what's the point.

But... I would just think about what it means for your friendships. A lot of bonding happens on these kinds of trips, so it wouldn't be totally surprising if the rest of the group come back closer. That wouldn't be them excluding you, just that they have more shared experiences. When everyone has kids these opportunities don't come along too often, so I've always really prioritised them when they do.

Original poster

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:52

@PercyFone I think you're right and I wish I wanted to go, I just feel dread when I think about it though.

Part of me wonders if I should just do it and push out of my comfort zone for the sake of my friends because I love them all and they really want me there!

OP posts:

Cunningfungus · 06/02/2025 16:53

If you genuinely feel that you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself, let them know asap so that they can plan accordingly.

That said - it won’t do your DC any harm to get used to you not being there constantly. It’s also important to nourish good friendships and there will likely come a point when you do want a break away!

There’s no right or wrong but be honest and do it soon.

edited to add - could you go for a shorter period of time, say 2 nights?

Original poster

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:55

Has anyone felt like I do, gone on the trip, and either really enjoyed or really regretted?

I am really quite anxious so I worry most about something happening at home and not being able to get back quickly. I am trying not to let my anxiety rule my decisions but it's very hard.

OP posts:

Errors · 06/02/2025 16:55

Absolutely zero judgement from me for co-sleeping and breastfeeding at 2 years old

If you don’t’ want to go then don’t go. There will be plenty of time for this when they’re a little older. They’re only this small once.

Original poster

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:56

Thanks @Errors I find more people are negatively judgemental than positive at this point!

OP posts:

Toutestbienquifinitbien · 06/02/2025 16:56

YANBU. Some people are comfortable leaving their children at this age, some are not. If they’re true friends, they’ll understand.

Both me and my partner didn’t leave our children to go away with friends until they were much older.

podirnot · 06/02/2025 16:56

Some people are ok leaving young kids some aren't. Dunno what bfing has got to do with it

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 06/02/2025 16:56

Well if you don't want to go don't go. Let them know asap. They won't be small forever though and you will need your friends.

Errors · 06/02/2025 16:56

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:55

Has anyone felt like I do, gone on the trip, and either really enjoyed or really regretted?

I am really quite anxious so I worry most about something happening at home and not being able to get back quickly. I am trying not to let my anxiety rule my decisions but it's very hard.

I didn’t go away until I was ready. My boy was 4 at that point. I was very ready for that trip though and thoroughly enjoyed it

podirnot · 06/02/2025 16:57

Posted before I had finished. Would they compromise and do a couple nights away in the UK? Id be ok being away for a night in the UK but no way id leave my 5 and 2 yo to go abroad so I understand

Cunningfungus · 06/02/2025 16:58

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:55

Has anyone felt like I do, gone on the trip, and either really enjoyed or really regretted?

I am really quite anxious so I worry most about something happening at home and not being able to get back quickly. I am trying not to let my anxiety rule my decisions but it's very hard.

To be honest, I went away frequently when my DC were still very young. It was important to me to still be “me” not just “mummy” and for DH and I to still be “lovers” not just parents.

I always looked forward to seeing DC again but I didn’t actively miss them, if that makes sense?

But you need to do what’s right for you. It doesn’t really matter what others would/wouldn’t do.

Errors · 06/02/2025 16:58

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:56

Thanks @Errors I find more people are negatively judgemental than positive at this point!

I did the same as you - co-slept until 3. It worked well for us and he is an excellent sleeper 4 years on who is always cooperative at bedtime and never gets anxious about being in bed on his own.

I also wouldn’t judge anyone who did the opposite. Whatever works best!

Menopants · 06/02/2025 16:58

I think you would have a blast . They are big enough to stay with their dad. Go

Hazel665 · 06/02/2025 16:58

I was like you OP. Didn't want to go, didn't go, didn't regret it.

Some friends won't understand but that's not your problem.

Bloodybrambles · 06/02/2025 17:00

podirnot · 06/02/2025 16:56

Some people are ok leaving young kids some aren't. Dunno what bfing has got to do with it

Probably because it would mean the end of OP breast feeding journey and may be quite stressful for her DC who is used to being settled/comforted by bf.

Original poster

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:01

@podirnot of course breastfeeding is a factor.

I would be really engorged if I didn't feed for 4 days or it would be an abrupt end to breastfeeding which is not what I want at all.

OP posts:

OrangeChips1 · 06/02/2025 17:01

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:55

Has anyone felt like I do, gone on the trip, and either really enjoyed or really regretted?

I am really quite anxious so I worry most about something happening at home and not being able to get back quickly. I am trying not to let my anxiety rule my decisions but it's very hard.

I did and regretted it. It highlighted to me the different tangents our lives have gone in and whilst part of me did enjoy being an adult without the kid I didn't need quite so much time "off the job" but I felt not quite understood in the group as we're not all of the same mindset.

ObelixtheGaul · 06/02/2025 17:02

Honestly, if you don't really want to go, you shouldn't feel forced into it. It doesn't matter whether they think you are being ridiculous or not. It doesn't even matter if you ARE being ridiculous (not that I think you are). You don't want to leave your children. You won't really enjoy yourself because there's somewhere you'd rather be.

You don't say if your friends have children or not. Maybe they do and don't feel the same about leaving theirs as you do with yours, but again, it doesn't matter. YOU feel like you don't want to be away without yours.

I know it's a bit trite to trot out the 'just be honest' line, but I think it's best to simply say what you've said here. You just don't want to go away without your children. You're sorry, but that's how you feel. You still love your friends, but this isn't something you want to do.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/02/2025 17:03

Why don't you do a trial run? Go and stay with a friend for an evening and see how it goes

I understand where you're coming from and I'd probably try and push myself a little bit, because I'd be worried about becoming one of those women who become consumed by their children and their whole identity is being a mother...as I think those people tend to fall apart when their kids are older. I know some women at work who refuse to travel overnight because they don't want to leave their 16 year old with their other parent (no abuse etc just 'feel funny' being a distance away from their children). Obviously those are extreme examples and your children are only little but eventually you do have to take baby steps to do things for yourself

Trainr · 06/02/2025 17:03

I suppose it was easier for me as I have a husband who is as just an involved parent as I am. I was excited to feel like me again and my husband was excited to spend some quality bonding alone time with the children. We also go on holiday a lot with the children so I don’t feel I was missing out on anything (what’s a few days not being at home with the kids in the grand scheme of things, it’s not all quality time at that age!).

I can’t imagine what it would be like being a single parent and I may be hesitant in that respect if I was you, but if you have someone you trust like a grandparent or aunt or uncle, I think it would be great for you to feel like someone other than a mother for a while, and give your children some quality time with a loved relative.

Bloodybrambles · 06/02/2025 17:05

I also bf my nearly 18m old.

I don’t plan on leaving DD anytime soon as she’s still bf and doesn’t settle any other way. I don’t see the point in upsetting the apple cart on things that I could do in a few years time. Like you I’m very much enjoying family holidays.

I joke with my friends that I’ll be free for nights out when DD goes to uni.

2025willbemytime · 06/02/2025 17:06

I have only read the OP.

How sad you feel you needed to request no judgment because you're breastfeeding your two year old. The WHO recommends rhat.

How can you be being ridiculous because you don't want to do something? It's perfectly normal to not want to leave your kids to go on a holiday. It's also fine for those that want to.

Don't be a people pleaser. It is your life. Live it how you want.

Original poster

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:07

Thanks everyone

@Bloodybrambles I don't even feel I can mention the breastfeeding thing because they are really pressuring me to stop breastfeeding.

4 out of the 5 of them have children but all older than mine and no one has breastfed to this stage.

OP posts:

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