To not want to leave my kids for this

[toastwithbutter]

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

I'm bit saying you should go, but you might want to think about gradually easing your anxiety.
Perhaps you could express and then stay out till late one evening? Build up to an overnight stay? Take a pump with you and gradually build up to two nights or a long weekend?

I wouldn’t think twice about it!

But you don’t want to go and that’s ok.

Perhaps start with having one night away locally and then join them on the girls trip next time.

If you don't want to go, don't go. If they're real friends they'll understand.

Some of my friends left their 6 week old babies in the crèche at the gym, others never left their babies with anyone. Some were off out within weeks of their babies being born others didn't venture out for months.

Everyone is different. Just do what you feel comfortable with. If that means saying no to a holiday overseas... then just say no.

I went away when DD was 18 months and again when she was 4 and DS was 18 months it was like heaven! BUT I went because I wanted to and was ready for a break.

I was also breastfeeding my 18mos both trips and let me tell you OP pumping on a girls holiday was a fucking nightmare. Always having to pop back to the apartment to pump for 30 minutes meant I was left out of a few things.

I suppose your mates may feel offended that you don’t wanna be with them but how sly just say “Im not saying no just not now. Do it again in 2 years and I’ll be there!”

No judgement either way from me, but I went to a close friend's hen do when mine were a little younger than yours and was so happy I went.

I was contemplating cancelling right up until the day I left. I didn't feel like I needed a break from my kids at all and was so worried about being separated from them. But once I was there it felt amazing to just be myself with my friends for a couple of days. It felt really restorative and I definitely reconnected with my friends there.

If it's anxiety, rather than the trip being something you just wouldn't enjoy, I'd push through and go.

I travelled plenty when my older kids were babies, but after my youngest child and Covid, WFH etc, I was out of practice going away. Had committed to a big work trip on another continent. I was really daunted by it. Thought I was worried about the work aspect but really my world had just become quite small and I wasn't used to going beyond my neighbourhood without my DH or kids.

I'm glad I went, it felt like a part of me came back to life. I don't travel so often now as re covid, but that's through choice rather than fear.

Good for you speaking up now, before deposits are paid, before any arrangements are agreed. Just tell them that you don't fancy the trip and that they need to stop giving you grief over your decision not to go.

You know my kids are grown but not totally independent (one just started uni) and I don't like the idea of flying without them. I'm fine with them flying, but I'd feel weird in another country to them. But I also have no DH or relatives where I live.
You do you, as the saying goes. If not comfortable then say no.

I have been friends with someone like you and she did end up coming on the trip and afterwards she said she was so glad to be proved that the world didn’t end just because she was away from the kids for three nights.

You are not just a mother you are your own independent person and you deserve to just be you sometimes. Your children will be absolutely fine with their other parent and it will be a good lesson for you to be away from them.

You don’t want to pass on unhealthy habits of attachment or anxiety to your children but letting them one day think that’s it’s a bad idea for you to be away from them. Try a trial run and go and stay at a near by hotel for the night and see how you get on.

What I WILL say OP is that it’s good for your kids to see you’re a human with your own friendships, interest and life and not just cooking cleaning nappy changing vomit cleaning MumBot

I think you have to be honest. This is your precious spare time and meant to be fun. If it’s not going to be fun for you and you won’t enjoy it then just say no. Be honest, say you’ll miss joining in but would love a day out soon. Trust your gut.

i didn’t go on a hen do when my eldest was 9 months. I was stupid, agreed and then said she was ill. I wish I’d been honest. The hen knew and was really pissy on her wedding day - she was pissrd and said she knew I’d lied. I wish I’d been honest - she now has a ten year old she has never ever left overnight.

I started leaving mine not long after and felt fine. But even now, with teens, I don’t like to stay out too late. Can’t explain it but I trust my gut. And I don’t care if people think I’m boring or weird, my kids are my priority now. Most people get it.

true friends will understand and accommodate even if they don’t think similarly. They’ll respect your honesty too.

Maybe you just need to tell them definitively that it's a hard pass. Once they know you've locked into not going they'll get over themselves.

@toastwithbutter I don't think you're ridiculous to be hesitant but honestly I think it would be nice for you to go. Could you think of the trip as your DH and DC getting some special daddy time while you get to let your hair down for a bit? Do you think your DH won't cope?

Depends how long the trip is. But the fact you’re already dreading the idea of going isn’t exactly great. It’s not like you’re champing at the bit to have a break.
if it’s a long weekend / city break, go but make sure you really participate
If it’s a full week or more maybe say no

I am still breastfeeding my two year old and have been away for multiple trips since she was born.

We are down to morning and evening feeds, and the last couple of times I've been away (for 3 and 4 nights respectively) I just hand expressed some milk when I was in the shower. So I wouldn't assume that a 4 night trip away has to put an end to your breastfeeding.

Obviously if you really don't want to go then that's a good enough reason not to. If they are real friends then they will still be there when you are ready to do these things.

But I wouldn't discount going away either. It is hard the first time you leave your kids but it can also do you so much good to have some quality time with your friends when you're not on mum duty.

I'm an old granny and something I learned quite late in life was how to stop being such a people pleaser. If I don't want to do something these days, I just say no thank you. I won't be persuaded, cajoled, guilt-tripped or coerced any more.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks you should go. You don't want to go so stick to your guns and don't go. You'll probably feel differently the following summer and be ready to do it but even if you aren't, it's fine. 💐

You do you. Ignore the others. And yes I'm going to judge - it's great that you're still breastfeeding your 2 yr old 😀

How much is the breastfeeding and how much is your anxiety? If they are close friends they may well be aware of your anxiety and thinking that's the main issue (rightly or wrongly).

I have gone away with my sister for 3 nights at the age you are at (plus have been away with work maybe only 1/2 nights at that age but more recently 3/4 nights occasionally) but had stopped BF so I didn't have that consideration. Really enjoyed it and worried less than I thought. Not something I want to do often and DP is great but I just have anxiety away from them plus I miss them and want to spend time with them. A weekend away occasionally is nice though. If you aren't ready then that's fine and I think if you have never been away for a night I would start with one night away not too far away and see how that goes before committing to being abroad for multiple nights

YABU. No overnight stays for a CH of 4?! You are very much an outlier.

FWIW, OP (because you asked), I was dreading leaving my DC for the first time. It was a work trip, and I was going to be away a full seven days. I absolutely LOVED it. I felt like myself! I could please myself! I didn’t have small children hanging off me/clamouring for my attention. It was such a revelation. (I even forgot to call home a few times, I enjoyed myself so much!) Not saying you’ll feel the same necessarily, but just wanted to say it is possible to dread something like this yet love it when you’re there…
FWIW, though, the SECOND I landed back in the UK, I was DESPERATE to get home. It was as if someone had flicked a switch, and I went back into mum mode.

We had a friend's wedding abroad and it was the first time leaving our little one for consecutive nights. Whilst I loved watching our friends get married I couldn't relax properly as I wanted to be back home with my little one. Haven't been apart from her for more than one night at any one time since and I'm happy with this :)

It's pretty weird that they are pressuring you to stop breastfeeding.

I would simply say that you personally are not in a position to leave your small children and that you hope they have a lovely time.

I wouldn't want to go away on a group holiday anyway but I am fairly unsociable.

I think it's fine, I wouldn't have wanted to leave mine for long at that age either.

If your friends can't accept that then they're not very good friends.

Everyone’s really different when it comes to leaving the kids. I’m quite comfortable leaving mine for sleepovers with grandparents or going on trips, but on the flip side I never breast fed so I’m not sure how a trip away would impact your ability to do this when you get home. Would it just pick up as normal?

I do believe sometimes we get so wrapped up in our kids which 100% isn’t a bad thing, it’s how it should be! But you really do feel like a new woman after a trip away with the girls or a night out with significant other.