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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to leave my kids for this

223 replies

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:47

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

OP posts:
NarnianQueen · 06/02/2025 21:20

They are really pressuring me to stop breastfeeding.

Oh god, just find new friends! Why do they think this is their business?

I wouldn't go. It will mess with your breastfeeding and quite frankly, if you're feeling dread about it, it's not right for you at this moment in time. Listen to your instincts.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 06/02/2025 21:20

Mine are 4.5 and also just turned 2. I breastfeed youngest, cosleep with both and also wouldn't want to leave them overnight yet.

There's nothing wrong with that so long as it's what you want. And mums who go away for the weekend for a break...nothing wrong with that either. We all feel differently and there is no right or wrong.

beAsensible1 · 06/02/2025 21:24

Equating feeling guilty with doing something wrong when it comes to mothering is a misstep.

parents feel sad and guilty when they say no, when they discipline, when they give consequences, when they can’t afford something. It is endless, especially as women who are often socialised to people please and put themselves last.

go or don’t go, but get rid of guilt and do what you think is best for yourself as woman as well as a mother.

Bbomb · 06/02/2025 21:24

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:07

Thanks everyone

@Bloodybrambles I don't even feel I can mention the breastfeeding thing because they are really pressuring me to stop breastfeeding.

4 out of the 5 of them have children but all older than mine and no one has breastfed to this stage.

If you don't want to stop breastfeeding I probably wouldn't go. The time away might end BF.

However I went away for 4 nights and left my 2 & 5 year old with their Dad. It was brilliant to be just me again.
Yes I missed them but I don't regret going.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2025 21:24

Well it’s your choice, but it is good to have a break and also good to maintain friendships, rather than let your entire life centre around kids

AuntyMabelandPippin · 06/02/2025 21:25

I left my four for the weekend when my youngest was 18 months. I say the weekend, it was one night.

I had absolutely no sleep, too worried about my children and how they'd be without me.

However, they'd had a lovely time with their Dad, but when they met me at the train station they were all over me, which made me tear up.

I didn't feel guilty for leaving them, as I knew their Dad was brilliant with them, but it brought home to me just how much I was loved and needed by them. It took a long time for me to leave them again.

OneAquaGoose · 06/02/2025 21:26

Zanatdy · 06/02/2025 21:24

Well it’s your choice, but it is good to have a break and also good to maintain friendships, rather than let your entire life centre around kids

You don’t have to go away for a few nights to maintain friendships though. You can do that though coffees, dinners, phone conversations.

Zanatdy · 06/02/2025 21:28

OneAquaGoose · 06/02/2025 21:26

You don’t have to go away for a few nights to maintain friendships though. You can do that though coffees, dinners, phone conversations.

Show quote history

Yes you can, but if you’re invited on weekend aways to celebrate key events and keep saying no, it’s not great. As friends will think you’re being precious and should just let their dad take over for a couple of days. No-one can force you to go, but they can be upset that you’re not.

Ponderingwindow · 06/02/2025 21:28

I didn’t leave my dd until she was fully done breastfeeding at age 3 and I had to attend a funeral 12 hours away. I went straight there, spent 24 hours and came right back. That was right for our family. I don’t have any regrets.

LoveMySushi · 06/02/2025 21:34

Do what youre comfortable with. You dont owe them anything.
I dont understand it because when mine were 2 and 4, DH and I ditched them with my mum and went away together 😄

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 21:36

How many nights would it be? I left mine when they were 5 and 2 for one night for the first time. I did two nights the following year. The first year I was still bf so did have to express in the shower morning and evening. It was fine and I was very pleased I had gone. The one night was a compromise so me and my other friend in the group with very young children could make it.

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 21:37

podirnot · 06/02/2025 16:56

Some people are ok leaving young kids some aren't. Dunno what bfing has got to do with it

Sometimes they don't sleep without it, and sometimes it means the mum has got to make time on the trip to express so she doesn't get engorged or develop mastitis

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 21:40

Sashya · 06/02/2025 17:08

Of course - you are not unreasonable not wanting to go.

But at the same time - I think we as women do put ourselves last for a very long time while our kids are small. Maybe it's driven by biology - but it is also a societal pressures / expectations.

Men will easily do a weekend away with friends while kids are small. While women will be riddled with guilt missing a bath time for the first time...

My kids are teens now. And I was exactly like you when they were the same age. And looking back - I do wish I did more for myself and not felt guilty at the time. I think it is important for women not to lose touch with their friends and maintain our networks - for us....

So - while what you are thinking is not ridiculous - but I'll also say that you don't need to sacrifice adulting for 100% of your time. Especially given that you do have a village - a caring, hands-on partner, and a relative.

In the end of the day - I also think our kids grow up to be quite spoiled and selfish partially because we as mothers always put their needs first, forgetting ours.

So - I'd say - go to the trip. It's several months away anyway. Your 2yo will not be breastfed then - or will be almost done. And that could be the natural stop.
It will also be good for you to remember that you are still your own person - not just a mother. And - even if you say you "don't need a break" from them - the bread will do you good...

I would say that my decision to actually go on the 2 day trip was promoted by a friend who is 10'years older with teenager saying to me not to make the mistake she did of losing too much of herself in the early years.

Nationsss · 06/02/2025 21:42

There is no wrong answer to this.
You feel how you feel.

I wouldn't have dreamt of going abroad on my own when mine were young.
But I don't particularly enjoy flying.

The very worst thing you could do is commit, dread it for months and eventually pull out.

Good friends don't guilt us.

Be wary of people that would guilt you.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 06/02/2025 21:44

I personally wouldn’t want to be in a different country from my young children. No judgement to those who do go abroad without their kids for all kinds of reasons. We’re all different (and I formula fed).

ArtyFartyHippopotamus · 06/02/2025 21:46

If you don’t want to go then don’t let other people pressure you. I won’t go on holiday without my dogs, I hate being away from them. You love your children and want to be with them so do what pleases you. Your children are still very young .

UbiquitousObjects · 06/02/2025 21:47

There's nothing ridiculous about not wanting to leave them overnight yet. And don't let anyone make you feel differently.

You'll get lots of people saying they left their dc at 6 months, 12 months, 18 months or whatever. It's irrelevant. This is you, you make your choices and be confident in them.

MrsCarson · 06/02/2025 21:53

You don't have to go and you don't have to justify why.
If you and Dh are happy and the kids are happy then you are winning at life.
Don't cave under pressure from people who are not living your life. One day the kids will be grown and gone, it seems to go so fast, enjoy them while you can.

Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 21:55

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:01

@podirnot of course breastfeeding is a factor.

I would be really engorged if I didn't feed for 4 days or it would be an abrupt end to breastfeeding which is not what I want at all.

If your child is 2 then they probably aren't taking that much milk anyway. Breastfeeding is well established so you can just pick up when you get back.

I think if these are real genuine friends I would try to go. 4 days isn't that long. You do need to put the effort in with friends otherwise they will not be there in 2 or 3 years time when you're ready to pick up again. And if your husband is a good dad it will be good for him and for the children. If something happens he will hold the fort, there's the NHS, you can probably buy another flight if it's something really urgent but that's highly unlikely.

If you don't want to that's also fine of course, just tell them you can't leave the kids yet.

Trytryandtryagain11 · 06/02/2025 21:55

I had a very similar dilemma when my son was 15 months old, going away for 2 nights. I decided to do it, also used it an an opportunity to stop breastfeeding - I was panicking and dreading leading up to it but it was AMAZING and I felt so much freedom after that because I knew it could be done and I didn't have to feel any guilt! I will now happily leave him for the odd night with my partner and don't feel bad at all, they both love their boys nights together and it's lovely for them to bond and me to get a break. I would say if you feel in any way able to, it may be worth a try xxxx

BaMammaWASOoodiks · 06/02/2025 22:01

Catza · 06/02/2025 16:49

There is probably not a lot you can say that would make it sound acceptable by your friends so you may as well come out with it straight: "I know it will probably sound silly and unreasonable but I just don't feel like leaving my kids overnight". Job done.

Why be so mealy mouthed about it, just say you're not comfortable being away from them overnight at this age and you'd love to come on the next girl's trip abroad. Don't let them groupthink you into something you don't want to do.

Anon501178 · 06/02/2025 22:05

You shouldn't have to feel forced into it if you genuinely don't feel like you'd be missing out and feel your children (especially 2yo) really need you.If they are that good friends they should understand.Do none of them have young children?

godmum56 · 06/02/2025 22:22

they want you to leave your baby when you don't want to and are putting pressure on you to stop BF. With friends like these........ I'd give them a Phoebe

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godmum56 · 06/02/2025 22:24

Nationsss · 06/02/2025 21:42

There is no wrong answer to this.
You feel how you feel.

I wouldn't have dreamt of going abroad on my own when mine were young.
But I don't particularly enjoy flying.

The very worst thing you could do is commit, dread it for months and eventually pull out.

Good friends don't guilt us.

Be wary of people that would guilt you.

"Good friends don't guilt us"
This absolutely this

OwlInTheOak · 06/02/2025 22:27

podirnot · 06/02/2025 16:56

Some people are ok leaving young kids some aren't. Dunno what bfing has got to do with it

At that age it likely means deciding to stop as supply will go, and DC is going to miss mum more than a child who isn't still in a routine of breastfeeding. It's like taking away a dummy/comforter item at the same time as mum going away for the first time.