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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my kids for this

223 replies

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:47

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

OP posts:
OneAquaGoose · 06/02/2025 22:32

Zanatdy · 06/02/2025 21:28

Yes you can, but if you’re invited on weekend aways to celebrate key events and keep saying no, it’s not great. As friends will think you’re being precious and should just let their dad take over for a couple of days. No-one can force you to go, but they can be upset that you’re not.

Show quote history

I would say that the friends are the precious ones if they can’t accept someone would prefer to spend their time with their DC.

Afirethatdoesntstopburning · 06/02/2025 22:37

I wouldn’t have wanted to go either, op and don’t let anyone pressure you to stop bfing unless you want to! I breastfed my Dd until 3 for naps and bedtime and co-slept, nothing wrong with it and your choice

MyPearlCrow · 06/02/2025 22:58

user9632579 · 06/02/2025 18:50

In a good way.

Too much pressure to be an absent parent.

Babies are born and they're sleep trained from a few months old. I'd hate to live like that.

Show quote history

Helping babies and small children to get the vital rest they need has nothing to do with wanting or not wanting to leave your kids.

I ‘sleep trained’ both mine - ie I gradually helped them learn as babies that night was for sleep not play or being awake. I still struggle to leave them now.

HotCrossBunplease · 06/02/2025 23:12

You’d rather spend time with your children than your friends. Your friends’ approach to trying to convince you is to be annoying and question your decisions (breastfeeding). Not doing themselves any favours are they?

Unless you have very limited money though, surely it’s not this OR a family holiday?

Copperoliverbear · 06/02/2025 23:42

If you don't want to go don't go, I spent years being a people pleaser, not anymore, I please myself and I feel much better for it x

Starlightstarbright4 · 07/02/2025 03:59

You do you ..

I wouldn’t have gone away from my Ds at that age . I also breastfed till he was 2.

You don’t want to go away . I would just say no - rip the plaster off then it’s done and you can relax ..

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:08

I'll be honest, you're not the kind of woman I can relate to. I'll never understand those who live through their kids and never seem to want some time out.
But just do what makes you happy, I guess.

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:12

I joke with my friends that I’ll be free for nights out when DD goes to uni.

Here's hoping they stick around!

user9632579 · 07/02/2025 04:19

If your child is 2 then they probably aren't taking that much milk anyway. Breastfeeding is well established so you can just pick up when you get back.

This is such nonsense @Househunter2025

user9632579 · 07/02/2025 04:22

Helping babies and small children to get the vital rest they need has nothing to do with wanting or not wanting to leave your kids.

I hate to tell you but sleep training isn't required to do this. There's no need to harm your children in order for them to sleep naturally.

user9632579 · 07/02/2025 04:23

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:08

I'll be honest, you're not the kind of woman I can relate to. I'll never understand those who live through their kids and never seem to want some time out.
But just do what makes you happy, I guess.

Live through their kids? You mean parents who spend their free time with their young children?

user9632579 · 07/02/2025 04:24

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:12

I joke with my friends that I’ll be free for nights out when DD goes to uni.

Here's hoping they stick around!

If they don't then she doesn't need them.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/02/2025 04:29

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:08

I'll be honest, you're not the kind of woman I can relate to. I'll never understand those who live through their kids and never seem to want some time out.
But just do what makes you happy, I guess.

This.

And frankly the kids deserve some variety, too. A weekend with just their dad would do everyone good. It's not all about the mum.

Twiglets1 · 07/02/2025 05:10

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:01

@podirnot of course breastfeeding is a factor.

I would be really engorged if I didn't feed for 4 days or it would be an abrupt end to breastfeeding which is not what I want at all.

It doesn’t have to be an abrupt ending as the trip isn’t until the summer.

Don’t go if you don’t want to go. But don’t make that sort of excuse to your friends, just be honest you’re not ready to leave them.

Ivymom · 07/02/2025 05:23

I did extended nursing and cosleeping with all of my kids. When my oldest was about 18 months old, I let some friends talk me into spending a night at a local hotel with them. They were excited to get a night away from their kids. I was miserable. It was supposed to be a relaxing night away, where we could get extra rest. I barely slept and got up really early leaking and engorged. I regretted going and declined to participate in other mom’s nights away.

There was nothing wrong with my friends wanting to do mom’s nights away. There used to be also nothing wrong with me not wanting to do it. Everyone needs to do what works best for their families.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 07/02/2025 05:25

Try an over night trip first and see how it goes.

TanginaBarrons · 07/02/2025 05:35

I went away for 3 nights on a girls weekend when dd was 4. She was still feeding and we coslept. I dreaded it but it was actually very good for me to reconnect to life outside being a mother. Tbh the only stressful bit was an incident with my ds (14 at the time) behaviour which I found hard to handle being so far away.

If you do go, go for you not because your friends are pressurising you.

PicturePlace · 07/02/2025 05:38

Yes, you are being ridiculous.

Seaside31 · 07/02/2025 06:10

HamptonPlace · 06/02/2025 18:05

YABU. No overnight stays for a CH of 4?! You are very much an outlier.

@HamptonPlace this is ridiculous!! What’s so crazy about not having been away from a child of 4 overnight?!

@toastwithbutter If you’re an outlier then so am I 😀 I only have 1 DC who is 4.5 and I haven’t been away from him overnight - and have no intentions of doing so anytime soon either 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 he’s 4! He’s tiny! I have friends who happily left their kids overnight with relatives etc from a few weeks old - which is great if that works for them and their families, but it’s not something that I’m comfortable with for my family.
In fact, we took (then 3yo) DS on our honeymoon 😂👍🏻
I just know that I wouldn’t enjoy myself being away 🤷🏻‍♀️ and certainly not abroad. I actually don’t think I’d leave DS to go abroad until they’re much much older.

user9632579 · 07/02/2025 06:18

PicturePlace · 07/02/2025 05:38

Yes, you are being ridiculous.

How so?

Stopsnowing · 07/02/2025 06:26

You have answered your own question. You don’t want to go and if you went it would be an end to breastfeeding. This trip is not a make or break for your friendships.

Catza · 07/02/2025 06:39

BaMammaWASOoodiks · 06/02/2025 22:01

Why be so mealy mouthed about it, just say you're not comfortable being away from them overnight at this age and you'd love to come on the next girl's trip abroad. Don't let them groupthink you into something you don't want to do.

Show quote history

Because if the days that, they will immediately tell her she is being silly and unreasonable so she may as well take that weapon away from them.

zeddybrek · 07/02/2025 06:42

I have 2 children with a similar age gap and hated leaving them overnight so I waited until they were 2.5 and 4.5. I also co slept and BF my youngest so I can understand. I waited until the youngest naturally stopped BF.

I cried all the way to the airport, totally guilty ridden and missed them terribly. After check in, I had the best time ever and came back mentally refreshed. I had such a great time!

I still get sad leaving them, they are 10 and 8!

So I suggest you go, don't distance from friendships and enjoy some time for you.

TuesdayRubies · 07/02/2025 07:01

There are some mothers on this thread who likely left their babies at a very young age who are trying to make you feel bad for your choices OP just because it helps them justify theirs. Tbh they're acting exactly like your so-called friends! Ignore them and follow your gut. Real friends wouldn't ditch you because you couldn't make a 'girls trip'!

Twaddlepip · 07/02/2025 07:29

TuesdayRubies · 07/02/2025 07:01

There are some mothers on this thread who likely left their babies at a very young age who are trying to make you feel bad for your choices OP just because it helps them justify theirs. Tbh they're acting exactly like your so-called friends! Ignore them and follow your gut. Real friends wouldn't ditch you because you couldn't make a 'girls trip'!

Well, this is dripping in judgement isn’t it?

For me it was always extremely important to retain a sense of the person I was before children, so I would carve time for myself where I wasn’t a mother. My husband is a brilliant father, which shouldn’t be notable but apparently is, and so I could leave the children with him. And vice verse.

If you don’t want to carve that time, or don’t feel the need like I did or don’t want to leave your kids or stop breastfeeding, just own it and say no. They’re your friends. Surely you’re not giving them enough credit to understand and accept your answer.

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