To not want to leave my kids for this

[toastwithbutter]

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

I don’t think it’s about you being unreasonable or not but I think there needs to be a little perspective you’re not talking about it being tomorrow your talking about it being the summer so your youngest will be at least 2 and a half by then, you might not even be BF then. How long did you BF your eldest for? Your children aren’t really that young, as in not young enough to be an excuse for not going so there must be more to it regarding how you feel yourself and about yourself. If your anxious about going that’s fine but be honest about it, otherwise I fear it will be the end of your friendships.

The BF is your decision. Not theirs, they're entitled to their opinion youre entitled to ignore it.

I'd say, its unlikely anything would happen and God forbid it did, your DH would do exactly as you would if the roles were reversed til you got there probably in a few hours.

It's good for your children to see happy balanced parents, see them have good friendships and function independently because as they grow you'll want them to have similar bonds and experiences.

It literally rests on your anxiety. The trip isn't worth your wellbeing but it might do it some good once you've settled if you enjoy being with these friends and only you know that.

Don't worry about it the decision itself will probably end up being worse than the experience either way.

I definitely wouldn’t go. You want to be with your kids which is not unreasonable at all.

Breastfeeding is absolutely lovely at this age and there is no way I’d want a sudden ending to that. It will end soon enough anyway.

Don’t go to please other people, that isn’t fun, be true to yourself and your needs and what you feel will make you happy. To be honest if friends were pressurising me like this I’d be taking a backseat from the friendships for a while. Nothing compares to or comes between me and my kids. My closest friends all feel the same and will always prioritise their kids ahead of lengthy experiences together and I completely respect that, because I do the same!!

I would suggest to them a spa day or afternoon tea altogether before they go

It would be one thing if you wanted to go but felt guilty for leaving your kids - I would say go in that situation. However, it sounds like you just don’t want to go full stop, so don’t. You don’t have to do things you don’t want to do regardless of whatever your friends think about it. I have a young child and currently have no interest in going on holidays with friends, I’m saving money and time for family holidays. I go on days and nights out with friends, but I don’t have any interest in a full trip right now!

You're not being ridiculous. I love going away but always get a little twinge about missing them. Still bloody love going away tho!!

Your friends just want you to come.

Echo what others have said, just be honest and say what you've said here. What you can't do tho is try get them to adjust the trip to suit you, if you want to go for a reduced amount of days that's fine but you must not make everyone else feel like they have to follow suit. Same with going away in the UK if the idea is to go abroad.

Things to think about; this will change the dynamics of the friendship are you ready for this? Prepared to accept it? Equilibrium may recover in time, it may not.

When did you finish feeding your 4 yo, if the trip isn't until summer would you be ready to end feeding by this person until anyway?

Also yes do it soon!!! To not allow resentment brew which it will if you umm and ahhh for ages. Tell them no and to please go ahead and book if you see deicide you really don't want to go.

You feel dread at going? You're still bf? Your gut is telling you that it's not right for you to go at this time. Don't feel bullied. The "you'll need your friends one day" guilt trip is just cruel. You miss out on one trip? Your friends will cope and they'll be there for you next time.

4 nights is a long time for your first trip away from them
I wouldn’t do it in your position - I think you’ll regret it

It's not really practical to go if you still breastfeed and cosleep with your 2 year old, but you know that- what I think you are saying, is that you want a good excuse because you can't admit to your friends it's because you are still breastfeeding.
Just tell them you don't want to go because you don't want to leave your kids.

Breastfeeding aside, I don’t think I’d feel comfortable not being in the same country as my very young children for any length of time.

You don’t have to go - but maybe see this as an an opportunity to spend some time away from the kids and to be in the moment with your friends. You deserve a break. Although you probably don’t want to go right now, the only thing I can say is that just because you are a mum it doesn’t mean that your life has to go completely on hold.

I had to travel for work a lot when my dd was around 3/4 - well I travelled about 2-3 times a year max. Longest time away would be 5 days. Looking back, I don’t regret any trip I did without her. When she was abit older I did trips with girlfriends.

When she was about 2 I didn’t go to a friends wedding - it was abroad and I just didn’t feel like going - a few friends went and had a good time - and years later I think about it think, maybe I should have gone.

I definitely don’t go to absolutly every trip. But a few, as the memories I have with my friends are just as valuable as the ones I have with my kids (and I spend so much time with the kids sometimes I need the break!).

Of course if you really don’t want to go, just tell your friends in advance:

I left my nearly 3 yr old with his dad and my mil and went to another city for 3 nights. I enjoyed that time but it had quite an intense impact on my lad. He went into a seemingly depressed state. When I saw photos of him at the zoo having what should be a great time with them, he looked genuinely sad, lost and well sad.
When I saw them both I could feel the impact thT it had on him. Ww still talk about it now, my husband and I. Like wow that was wild? How much we noticed it and how intense it had been for him. I don't remember much about that 3 nights away but my sons reaction has never left me.

Oh, the irony

No one needs an excuse for not wanting to do something.

If you don't feel comfortable leaving them, then you shouldn't go. You won't enjoy it. I didn't co-sleep with mine or breastfeed for very long but I remember feeling uncomfortable leaving them for just one night when they were 7 years old(twins). I missed them like crazy and when I saw them the next day, they said they looked out the window at the stars at bedtime and said goodnight to me

I don't think you should feel guilty as such - they obviously have people you trust to look after them but I get that feeling of unease. Equally, keeping up friendships is important too. if you do decide not to go, be honest and explain how you feel and offer to do something else with them. They may not get it - as everyone has their own views/comfort level in this space - but hopefully they will.

You're not unreasonable to not go.- just like they wouldn't be unreasonable in not inviting you again

And as a pp says they'll come back from the trip closer and you might feel left out but that's your choice and if you're happy with that just stay home and don't go

I can totally understand your reluctance to go. I was quite happy to leave my
1-3yro dd for a day to go to work, but looked forward so much to seeing her in the evening, so never went away without her overnight anywhere -and I wasn't BF.

I guess it depends on how close you are to your friends and whether you are the type to enjoy 'girly' holidays. I never liked these type of holidays myself, though I tried to persevere with them, and I regretted the last one I was encouraged to to go on by my (then) fiance/now DH) as I missed him and my own space so much, and found the other 7 women annoying in the end - though I got on fine with them back home on nights out.

Having the big birthdays as a reason for the holiday makes it harder for you to refuse, as it might be seen as a snub, but go with your instinc on this - if you're not 'feeling it' then don't go, and don't feel bad about it.

Only go if you want to go & don't be pressured to go from anyone. It's up to you what you do but don't feel guilty leaving the kids if you chose to go. They'll be happy with Dad. If you do decide to go try & enjoy yourself. You may not need a break now but you will later I'm sure & may not get the chance to so make the most of it.

A “girls holiday” really isn’t my thing and i would much rather spend a week in a kid friendly resort with the darling puddings than getting shitfaced and sunburnt.

It would be a “thanks so much for the lovely invite, i actually have family staying at that time and a family holiday booked for later in the year so i won’t be able to attend” from me!

I can't understand why your friends would want to be so controlling towards you. They don't seem to be able to see your perspective. I would stick to what you know is right for you, and say that you will come next time - just say what @Catza suggested.

Even if you weren't breastfeeding you don't have to go if you're not happy to go. They won't understand but they don't need to understand. All they need to understand is it's not them it's you I guess. Even if one of you had no children you don't need to go
You might empower one of the others to say no another time

Don’t go.
You don’t need to apologise for not wanting to go! It’s no one’s business if your not feeling it.
You certainly don’t need to make apologies for it!
If they have a problem with it, what kind it ‘friends ‘ are they?
Maybe that’s the real reason?
They aren’t that great a bunch of friends as you think.
They are still pretty young.
Dont ever apologise for wanting to be with them over a group girls holiday!