To not want to leave my kids for this

[toastwithbutter]

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

I go all the time, I went on my friends hen doo when my 4th was 3.5 months old in a different country! It’s good for the soul in my opinion 🤣but if you don’t want to, don’t. All to their own but I would say it’s very easy to lose yourself in your kids and life is about balance❤️

It would be really insulting to phrase it as’you don’t need a break from your kids’ No one asked if you need a break, they invited them to your party. You don’t need chocolate and you might eat that. You dont need holidays and you still might want them. Your friends are expecting you to like the idea of celebrating with them for two days, and you are rejecting that without a great excuse to be honest.
please think carefully. Old friends are often the best friends and many women regret the friendships they let drift while they were focussed on their babies. Your babies will grow up and move out and have lives, are these the friends you hope to be meeting for lunch and hanging out with then? If so, go. Invest in your friendships as relationships that matter. Loneliness is an epidemic, and connection with other humans is a key part of happiness in life.

You are a grown woman and can make choices that will suit you best. Every choice you make will have consequences good and bad.

However being a single woman who have had a lot of friends having babies, your patience does wear out with people who put being a mum over all their adult relationships. So don’t go, but be prepared to not be invited again.

When I look back at all the times in my life that I allowed myself to be guilt-tripped/felt obliged/was manipulated/was pressured etc to do stuff I didn't want to do, I could kick myself.

Don't live your life for other people OP.

Say what you've said here and tell them ASAP.

Absolutely do not let people guilt you into going! You're children are still young, and you simply don't want to go! My children are 20, 11 and 10 and it's taken me years to just be blunt that I cant go because I have anxiety leaving them. Now they're older it has started to become easier and I do go on an occasional break - but it's not for everyone. Your friends will understand. It's not never again, it's just "not yet"

I've gone away for 1 night or 2 night girl trips in the same country. That has been fine, as someone said i didn't actively miss them but looked forward to returning to them. I've always been a big advocate for staying "me".

However I did 4 nights abroad with my other half for a wedding and it was very tough. I cried, I was so worried, I couldn't wait to get home. I did enjoy parts of the trip and the wedding but I wouldn't be rushing to do it again. I think you would be mad going abroad and for that long as the first time leaving them. Would you consider suggeting 1 night somewhere closer to home? (Not as an instead of the trip they have planned, but some might be willing to do both if they are far enough apart).

I will say though I never felt an overwhelming feeling of "ok yes I'm ready to leave them now". I did have to push myself the first time but it was worth it!

Whatever you decide is right for you is fine. But I can see how your friends might be slightly hurt that you don’t want to join them and interpret your decision as a commentary about how much you value the friendship. If that’s a major concern to you, then I think that’s a reason to see if you can try to make the trip work, even if you don’t go for the whole time. You may regret losing this friendship group.

When my DC were that age I was already separated from their dad so I spent plenty of time without them and went on a few weekends away with friends. However more recently I've found that I although I still spend time without them I don't particularly like going away with friends. I prefer when the DC aren't with me to have a really quiet weekend. Being very introverted I need time alone to recharge otherwise I end up burnt out from solo parenting, FT job and being out socialising. So if someone asks me to go away I just say "no I don't fancy it" and nothing bad happens.

FWIW I think if you don't feel ready to take time away from your dc yet, then don't. You only get them small once. I also think you don't need to over/share how you parent. It's not teenage girls sharing every last detail with eachother anymore. Finally, just be confident in who you are and that, for you, family comes first. If your friends criticise that, then, obviously, they are not your friends. Friends are respectful of one another and don't judge each other like that. So, if your answer is, No, then that's be end of it. Any insistence that you justify it is rude and disrespectful. Birthday or not, you don't pressure someone to ditch their family, especially their small children.

I feel exactly the same as you and you aren’t being ridiculous, your friends need to ease up on the judgement I think. Every Mum is different in regards to what she feels comfortable doing. I’m the same as you, I would never go abroad without my children while my little one is small. It would be completely pointless - I wouldn’t relax, I’d spend the whole time thinking about him and worrying about how I’d get back if there was an emergency - you’d have to buy a new flight, get to the airport, hope a flight was leaving soon (not a nice position to be in if you know your little one is hurt or very poorly!) My best friend is the complete opposite - if someone handed her a plane ticket now, her kids would be on my doorstep with a suitcase and a bag of quavers within the hour, she’d be long gone! Neither of us are wrong. You don’t want or need a break from your children (which is a really lovely position to be in by the way and testament to you obviously looking after your own mental health) or particularly want to go on this holiday so just be brave and tell the truth - “I’m really grateful for the invite and I’ve thought about it lots, but I won’t be coming because I don’t feel comfortable being abroad while my children are this small. You might feel differently but this is what is right for me” and leave it there. Your friends might still think it’s ridiculous but if they’re proper friends they’ll respect your boundaries. Your entire life as a Mum you’ll be faced with making the popular decision or making the right decision for you and your kids - nothing wrong with saying no to people if it isn’t what you want. Offer to meet them for lunch when they get back so you can hear all about it! Good luck x

On the breastfeeding front, I breastfed till well beyond 2 and left the kids several times for trips with no issues. No need to express either. Once supply is well established and it's an older child most women don't get the same engorgement issues as with feeding babies

In particular I remember going away for a week when my older one was 2, I took a pump with me but didn't need to use it

It's not ridiculous. Some people will be happy with it, some not. It's up to you and don't be pressurised into doing something you don't want to do. My children are now early teens and I have friends who go on nights out leaving their kids alone at home until 1am. Fine for them, not illegal etc. But I wouldn't be happy doing it myself and I won't give in to their pressure on it.

Your friends should be interested only in whether you are happy or not, an offer of joining them on a trip is nice, but regardless of any circumstances a "no" should be easily accepted. Some people do seem to have an impulse to drag a "friend" away from their kids, as though it's a weird loyalty test. There will always be more adult women who want to hang out, if this lot can't cope with you preferring to be with your young children then you'll make new friends. Your children will still only be little for this brief period.

The very best thing about being an adult is not having to do anything you don't want to do.

I used to go away once a year with friends from when mine were about 2 years old (twins). DH was more than capable.

I really enjoyed it and so glad I nurtured those friendships as my DDs are now adults and left home and those friends are still very important to me.

It's fine to not go if you don't want to, and many people wouldn't. Just say no now...don't commit, worry about it and pull out at the last minute.

4 days abroad is towards the more extreme end of the scale. If I were you I would ask myself what I would do if it were 1 night away in the UK. If you wouldn't want to do that either I might push myself to do it in future if it's offered (either with DH or with friends).

I gave many friends who declined to do overnights or weekends away until their kids were a lot older than yours. It’s not about what your friends think, it’s about what is comfortable for you. Honestly do what makes you happy, I don’t leave mine overnight and just won’t be for a few years.

My daughter is 2 and 4 months. I would not want to leave for several days. I could maybe do an overnight. But that’s because I work 2 over night shifts a week. So it would be a bit of a longer day. More than that I definitely couldn’t.

I went abroad with a friend when my son was a little over 2 with the aim of stopping breastfeeding... 5 nights later we were back in exactly the same co-sleeping/nursing routine. I'd only been in the door about 3 minutes before the "mummy milk" chants started!! He naturally weaned when he was 3. I had a great time away with my friend and no harm was done to anyone.

Been away not feeling the greatest.
Had the time of my life.
Really looked forward to going home and being back with my family but I didn't realise just how much I needed that break.

We don't go abroad as don't want to leave our dog :) no shame in wanting to stay with your kids, just say thanks but no thanks and thank you for asking, another time x

I think if you are not going to enjoy it then fair enough. I would try and make time for your friends doing something else nearby though. Maybe organise it and I'm sure they would see you value their friendship

I didn't want to leave my 2 young DS to go to my friend’s wedding in New York. This was along time ago ( they are now 25 and 22) we also didn’t have alot of money so I couldn't justify spending for the trip, I wanted to go away as a family , that was my priority. Not sure my “friend” got over it, we parted company a few years later, she never had kids so I guess she never understood the situation.
I had our DD when I was 40, almost 41, I BF her until she was just over 3, during the night mostly after age 2. I didn't want to go away when she was young , I never felt pressured by anyone, I would say, no thanks and leave it there. I like a simple life, aka boring ! so trips with the girls isn't my thing.
I think go with your gut reaction, if something doesn't feel right, then it isn't right.

I probably wouldn’t go either.

Dont feel pressured into something you don’t want to do

I wouldn't want to go either, when they're so small. Overnight yes, abroad for several nights, no. It's fine to say you don't feel able to go at this stage