To not want to leave my kids for this

[toastwithbutter]

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

Please don't stop breastfeeding for a holiday you don't even want to go on! Friends aren't worth coming before that for your toddler imo.

Next time someone tries to pressure you to stop breastfeeding feeding, look them in the eye and ask them why they think it is their business how you feed your child. That's awful.

I'm with you OP: I wouldn't want to leave my children at the age yours are for that type of trip.
And if you don't want to go it's entirely your decision.
No one has the right to tell you that you are being ridiculous in this situation.

Of course - you are not unreasonable not wanting to go.

But at the same time - I think we as women do put ourselves last for a very long time while our kids are small. Maybe it's driven by biology - but it is also a societal pressures / expectations.

Men will easily do a weekend away with friends while kids are small. While women will be riddled with guilt missing a bath time for the first time...

My kids are teens now. And I was exactly like you when they were the same age. And looking back - I do wish I did more for myself and not felt guilty at the time. I think it is important for women not to lose touch with their friends and maintain our networks - for us....

So - while what you are thinking is not ridiculous - but I'll also say that you don't need to sacrifice adulting for 100% of your time. Especially given that you do have a village - a caring, hands-on partner, and a relative.

In the end of the day - I also think our kids grow up to be quite spoiled and selfish partially because we as mothers always put their needs first, forgetting ours.

So - I'd say - go to the trip. It's several months away anyway. Your 2yo will not be breastfed then - or will be almost done. And that could be the natural stop.
It will also be good for you to remember that you are still your own person - not just a mother. And - even if you say you "don't need a break" from them - the bread will do you good...

I was in the same position when my children were the same age, initially I said no because i was really anxious about being so far away from them, but I also didn't want to miss out on quality time with my friends. In the end I went and had a great time, when I was there I was having too much fun to feel anxious, and the kids were absolutely fine.

It's absolutely fine for you to chose not to go, you don't need to justify your choice, if your friends are good friends they will support your choice.

Equally, I do think it's healthy to have a break sometimes. Spend a few days away from the partner and children. Allow them some time together and allow you some time away.

And as a previous comment says, this is also an investment in your friendships. Are they good friends, do you value them in your life? Give them a little of yourself and you'll strengthen the bond.

Co sleeping BF almost 2.5 year old (night only) have never left for night away, eldest left when I went into hospital to have DD2 only. I do socialise and have gone on nights out but have no desire to leave for a trip as I'm the same as you, I would just be worrying. A friend asked me to a big birthday weekend away when DD2 was 10 weeks old, it was a no from me but another one of the women invited had an 8 week old and was happy to leave them for two nights. Everyone is different. I'm pretty sure my colleagues think I'm some kind of overbearing mother as I never stay over at conferences and always get the train/drive home but they're all child free, so again so easy to judge.

My youngest is 3 and I've never spent a night away from him. I'm in no rush to do that. Also still co-sleeping.

There's so much pressure on mums to do everything on the same timeline. If you don't want to go, you shouldn't go.

They don't sound like good friends if they are putting this much pressure on you. Do what feels right for you and your family OP.

I think it's fine for you not to want to go and I think you should be honest. A real friend might be disappointed but they will try and understand your point of view.

I've mostly been happy to leave mine but there was an event where I could take my child who was a year old at the time and because it was so far away I wasn't thrilled about leaving him. Part of me wishes I had gone but I wasn't comfortable at the time. I told my friend the truth and she was fine with it, I attended her wedding a few years later after having a 2nd and at that point was happy to leave them.

I breastfed all of mine, and I wouldn't personally have left them.
I understand how you feel.

I'd have my bags packed already 😂

Oh gosh I feel for you! I also bf and cosleep with my 15 month old, I'm due to go away in the UK for two nights in June and dreading it.
I've already cancelled loads with my friends this year and they clearly no longer get it, they were great last year but they seem to think now I would love the break ( I won't - I love being with DD) and that I need a bit of a personality outside of being a mother (why? I love it). However, I do feel I'm at a make or break point where friendships will dwindle if I don't push myself to go, so I probably will end up going. I have no advice but I am so glad it was t just me!!

Don't go OP.

Westernised ones will tell you it will do you and your DC good.

I bf till natural weaning age. I wouldn't go either.

Well, her breastfeeding her child is impacting her decision because she wants to breastfeed her child, can you breastfeed virtually? 🙄

Do what you want. The idea of going on a ‘girls trip’ fills me with absolute horror. Having done lots of travelling with friends pre-children, I can imagine few things I’d want to do less. 😂 But I absolutely love a break away. I went to Australia for 2 weeks (albeit for work) when eldest was 16 months and it was great. Usually go abroad every year at some point without them.

I also bf and co-slept, and while dh couldn’t do the breastfeeding (they were weaned at that point), as 2/3/4 year olds, he could co-sleep just as well as I could.

Going away is a perfectly normal thing to do. But if you don’t want to then don’t go.

Most of my friends would go. I have a 1.5 and 4 yo and wouldn’t want to leave them in a different country. I would do 1 night away in uk away from them but that’s my boundary

Going abroad is one thing. Not sure I would have done that. However a short break in the U.K. is another thing. What does your dh think about it?

Breastfeeding or not. Co sleeping or not. Your children!! Your life!! Up to you if you want to leave them or not.

Your friends calling you ridiculous is...well RIDICULOUS!! It's not their family, it's not their children, it not their life!

You do what YOU are comfortable with OP. If your friends can't accept that your family and YOUR comfort comes before them, then frankly, they are not your friends x

Sorry if I've missed how long the trip is. I'd be tempted to join for the final night if that's an option with flight times. Go for the full last day and over night and give it your full effort. I would not have gone on a trip for multiple nights when mine were little so I understand that, but if these are friends you want to stay in contact with this might be a compromise.

I personally dont think it is super healthy to have not had a night away from your eldest at 4. In my opinion the longer you leave it, the bigger a deal it is when you do eventually it.

That said if you wont enjoy it, dont go and perhaps accept you and your friends are at different stages of life and perhaps find friends on a similar wave length, judging by this thread plenty of people feel the same as you, so I would perhaps find your tribe.

How long is the proposed trip?
How often are you breastfeeding?

I bf my DD till she was 3, but by 2 she was only feeding 2-3 times a day anyway, & I doubt she was getting much milk by then as she was eating normal food by then too, so didn't really need the milk it was more a top & for comfort.

As PPs have said there is no right or wrong answer. You have to be comfortable with your decision.
I didn't go to a hen do weekend when my DD was a baby for similar reasons (she was only 8months I think & still breastfeeding but combi not exclusively). I regret not going as I missed a lot of bonding with those friends but it would have been difficult at that point & they all understood.
However DH & I have made sure to have nights away from the children together & separately as we wanted to maintain our relationship as a couple & with friends. Friendships take more work as adults, especially when you have kids as it can be harder to arrange to meet.

I felt like this and still went, my children were around the same ages. We compromised on it just being a 4 day trip rather than a full week. I hated it, everytime I seen a child I felt guilty, I felt sad and uncomfortable most of the time I was there.

I wonder if your friends see you becoming so enmeshed in motherhood that you’re losing your sense of self. Particularly if they have been through that stage and it’s easier to see the wood for the trees afterwards.
It’s most likely coming from a place of love and concern. You say you have anxiety and maybe they can see that as well.

Undoubtedly long term your friendships will suffer, especially if you’re all at different stages of parenting and you’re not meeting them at all midway.

We had a friend who wouldn’t leave her 3 yr old at all, the ‘baby’ needs his mum, - fine for an afternoon coffee date but our group had mums of teens, babies, career flying non parents, ivf challenges, single and childfree by choice, the works and NO it wasn’t always going to be soft-play and moderated drinking/language etc.
We all choose different activities/meet ups and made the effort to be there!

Over time she said no to more and more, several years later she tried to pick up the friendship when ‘baby’ was about 8/9 and wondered why we weren’t that bothered, life had moved on, she’d not been there for challenges/celebrations/fun/hard times and I think she felt we were harsh but in all honesty we have busy lives and valued the middle ground everyone else found to keep the friendships alive.

If you choose not to go, you can suggest something middle ground, that gives you a chance to break your anxiety, cherish your friendship and be honest that this might be too much for a first time!

You don’t want to be away from your kids and that’s fine. Good friends would understand. It sounds a hassle as well going abroad and they’ll probably counting on you to share a room to cut the costs. Say that you’ll think about going abroad once your kids are older.

I think you need to be really clear with communication here. If you don't want to go you need to say that, it's not for me etc. if you make excuses then they will come up with solutions which will put you under more pressure.

For example 4 days not feeding should be ok, you hand hand express in the shower for relief.

If your concern is around your husband, give him a trial run, set him up, get him help etc.

If you don't want to go, you won't enjoy it and won't relax then say it.

I once told my friends I could afford something and they were so kind working on costs and offers of loans and I had to come clean that it was the value not the cost, it just wasn't worth the money to me.