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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my kids for this

223 replies

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:47

I have (just) 2 year old and a (just) 4 year old. Youngest is still breastfed but we are starting to try to cut it down now and I cosleep with him (no judgement please).

My friends for a while have been discussing a girls trip abroad this summer to celebrate some big birthdays.

I am not sure I want to go - I have never left either of my children overnight and so don't feel overly comfortable going abroad but I can't work out if this is me being ridiculous or not.

Friends seem to think it is utterly ridiculous and making me question myself, I'm feeling under lots of pressure to commit to the trip.

My DH would be fine and is a great dad. We also have another very hands on relative staying with us this summer so plenty of support at home.

I just don't feel like I want to leave my children to go abroad. I don't feel I need a break from them, I cherish our time together and I just feel I want family holidays until they're a bit older.

Also, any advice on breaking the news if I decide not to go?

OP posts:
TuesdayRubies · 07/02/2025 07:51

I'm not the one judging- those PPs who have suggested OP is odd or an outlier or shouldn't just follow her own preferences are judgemental! I can only assume they're trying to justify their own choices or why would they be so vociferous?

january1244 · 07/02/2025 08:08

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:07

Thanks everyone

@Bloodybrambles I don't even feel I can mention the breastfeeding thing because they are really pressuring me to stop breastfeeding.

4 out of the 5 of them have children but all older than mine and no one has breastfed to this stage.

Wow it's no one's business when you decide to breastfeed til! I would say though that it doesn't have to be the end of breastfeeding. I find a Medela hand pump lightweight, easy enough to travel with and use etc and my milk supply has been fine with two children.

My first abroad trip away was a business trip when my eldest was one and a bit and I was so stressed about it. Actually I had a brilliant time when I got there, and enjoyed the events. I was glad I went in the end. I've had odd trips with friends since and really enjoyed them. But I had to push through that first one

CocoPlum · 07/02/2025 08:11

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 17:01

@podirnot of course breastfeeding is a factor.

I would be really engorged if I didn't feed for 4 days or it would be an abrupt end to breastfeeding which is not what I want at all.

It doesn't have to be - at 3yo my still BF child went away for a week with his dad (I cried because I assumed that was it for BFing) but started up as soon as he got home.

I went away for 2 nights in the same position as you and I had an amazing time BUT it was in the UK, and my DC had had a few sleepovers at their grandparents' house before.

Friartruckster · 07/02/2025 08:13

In your circumstances, the trip is already doomed. If you’re not excited by the idea, making your self go will cast a cloud over the trip and your presence there.

When my children were that age, no way would I have felt comfortable being that distance from them.

You’re right. This is a precious time with them and I agree family holidays are a treasure.

WhatALightbulbMoment · 07/02/2025 08:40

Mine are older and I still don't want to leave them for a holiday. I do leave them for work-related travels, but not for fun so to speak. I don't judge parents who do so, most people I know go on holidays without the kids, but at the moment it's not for me.
Just be honest - you're not comfortable with this at the moment but thanks for the invitation.

OrangeChips1 · 07/02/2025 09:02

Twaddlepip · 07/02/2025 07:29

Well, this is dripping in judgement isn’t it?

For me it was always extremely important to retain a sense of the person I was before children, so I would carve time for myself where I wasn’t a mother. My husband is a brilliant father, which shouldn’t be notable but apparently is, and so I could leave the children with him. And vice verse.

If you don’t want to carve that time, or don’t feel the need like I did or don’t want to leave your kids or stop breastfeeding, just own it and say no. They’re your friends. Surely you’re not giving them enough credit to understand and accept your answer.

Show quote history

I think it is definitely really important to carve time out for yourself. But I think for different people this looks different. For some 'time for yourself' includes going to the gym, or reading a book, or meditating. For others, its friends.

SJM1988 · 07/02/2025 09:16

If you don't want to go then don't. You shouldn't have to explain that to your friends and they shouldn't be judgemental. They can give you their opinion but ultimately if they were your friends they would just say OK we might not understand but OK.

Personally I have spent time away from my children overnight - although I didn't breastfeed so that is a big factor about being able to. It wasn't about needing a break or not wanting to be with my kids but I wayed up pros and cons.
I've done two wedding (no children invited) and I'd say 3 girls nights away (all in the uk) in 7 years. I approached it with the opinion of how important those occasion were to me. I've declines events where it wasn't as important so I didn't want to leave my children.

Everyone has different levels of wanting to leave their children and I would never judge a friend who didn't want to leave them as much as I wouldn't expect them to judge me for going away for a night without them

Gogogo12345 · 07/02/2025 09:40

Cunningfungus · 06/02/2025 16:58

To be honest, I went away frequently when my DC were still very young. It was important to me to still be “me” not just “mummy” and for DH and I to still be “lovers” not just parents.

I always looked forward to seeing DC again but I didn’t actively miss them, if that makes sense?

But you need to do what’s right for you. It doesn’t really matter what others would/wouldn’t do.

Show quote history

I'm very similar tbh.

OP if you don't want to go then fair enough but do bear in mind you may not get invited in the future

Valeriekat · 07/02/2025 10:45

Anyone pressuring you to leave your babies is not a friend.

Original poster
toastwithbutter · 07/02/2025 13:21

Thanks everyone.

Some really good food for thought here.

My gut is saying to just tell them I'm not going but just going to give it 24-48 hours and mull it all over.

OP posts:
HamptonPlace · 07/02/2025 16:46

Trytryandtryagain11 · 06/02/2025 21:55

I had a very similar dilemma when my son was 15 months old, going away for 2 nights. I decided to do it, also used it an an opportunity to stop breastfeeding - I was panicking and dreading leading up to it but it was AMAZING and I felt so much freedom after that because I knew it could be done and I didn't have to feel any guilt! I will now happily leave him for the odd night with my partner and don't feel bad at all, they both love their boys nights together and it's lovely for them to bond and me to get a break. I would say if you feel in any way able to, it may be worth a try xxxx

There's no reason (post breastfeeding) that mother should be expected to be doing more of the parenting than the father?

HamptonPlace · 07/02/2025 16:51

Noshowlomo · 06/02/2025 20:08

My son is 6 next month and I won’t leave him for more than a night, and that’s when he’s sleeping down MILs which he loves. I’ve been asked to go to a hen weekend in the summer and I can’t even think of going for 3 days, 2 night. Nope! I know it’s weird. Many of my friends have gone away for up to a week! No judgement, I wish I wanted to, but for now it’s a no. I would rather go away with him, and I’m not particularly maternal! I won’t apologise for how I feel and neither should you.

indeed i find it weird, the longer you leave it to change that 'policy' the longer it will take for DC to get used to the reality they can't be hanging off mummy's apron strings...

Whoarethoseguys · 07/02/2025 16:53

It's completely up to you. If you don't want to go then don't and be honest with your friends. If they guilt trip you about it they are not good friends.
The things we enjoy change as we get older and especially once we have had children

HamptonPlace · 07/02/2025 16:53

OneAquaGoose · 06/02/2025 21:18

Don’t give it a second thought. You do what you want to do. My DC are 8 & 6 and I have no inclination to leave them to go away with my friends. I would choose DC over friends 100 times over.

you can have both?

Crunchymum · 07/02/2025 16:59

It's just occurred to me that I've never left my kids for so much as a weekend away!! Never particularly wanted to. We go away as a family usually.

My youngest is disabled but that's not really the reason.

The kids have plenty of sleepovers (even the disabled child) and older two have been on several residentials etc. The kids have been away with family / DP without me, but I've never been away without them. Not once in over 12 years.

Over the years I've made vague plans with friends for weekends but they've never come to fruition (new jobs / pregnancies / illnesses / being too skint have always thwarted plans)

Friends and I have done several trips with our kids though. One of my oldest friends lives in another country and we see her regularly. She occasionally comes to London without her children but I've been to her without my kids.

I don't actually feel like I've missed out but I am very guilty of not prioritising myself in general. Pre DC I travelled lots and did several solo trips so I'm noemt adverse to travel.

I had a disabled child, went PT, then was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition myself, then Covid hit. Money isn't abundant so I guess I just prioritise family trips.

No way would I leave my kids if I didn't particicularly fancy going somewhere.

OneAquaGoose · 07/02/2025 17:10

HamptonPlace · 07/02/2025 16:53

you can have both?

Show quote history

I do, of course. I just don’t feel the need to go away overnight with them.

FacingTheWall · 07/02/2025 17:11

toastwithbutter · 06/02/2025 16:55

Has anyone felt like I do, gone on the trip, and either really enjoyed or really regretted?

I am really quite anxious so I worry most about something happening at home and not being able to get back quickly. I am trying not to let my anxiety rule my decisions but it's very hard.

So it’s not that you don’t really want to go, it’s that you feel anxious about being away from the children, and that anxiety is affecting your choices?

romdowa · 07/02/2025 17:15

I'm expecting my second this summer and due to some medical issues will be kept in hospital for a few days after my section. This will be my first time away from my ds who is 3 and I'm dreading it. I can't imagine going to a different country i wouldn't cope . Yadnbu

Summergarden · 07/02/2025 17:36

I’d have been ok for 1-2 nights but no longer than that at those ages especially with a 2 yr old who was still breastfeeding. Even now my kids are a bit older I’ve no desire to be away from them for longer than 2 nights/ 3 days max. I love being with them and being there for them.

if the destination is near an airport could you compromise by staying a night or 2 then leave after that maybe?

Cornflakes44 · 07/02/2025 18:32

I agree, totally up to you. But I also think it's important to think about what you value in life. For me friends are really important so I would find it really important to keep that going. This is the kind of event people really get a chance to catch up and relax together. However, some people aren't that bothered about friends once they have their families so if that feels like you maybe just let it drift,

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2025 18:35

Going isn't about wanting to leave your kids

Going is about wanting to celebrate something special in a special way with other people you love.

It's ok not to go, but there's no way to gently break it.

But, it might help to reframe from "wanting to leave them" to choosing to go somewhere without them

SnoopysHoose · 07/02/2025 18:52

I'd start to put an end to the bf, you've a good few months.
You can be a wonderful mum and still have time for you, too many mums esp on MN give very minute to their kids, personally don't think it's healthy, 2 & 4 is absolutely fine to leave with dad, go & have a fun and come back refreshed.

Errors · 07/02/2025 18:57

SnoopysHoose · 07/02/2025 18:52

I'd start to put an end to the bf, you've a good few months.
You can be a wonderful mum and still have time for you, too many mums esp on MN give very minute to their kids, personally don't think it's healthy, 2 & 4 is absolutely fine to leave with dad, go & have a fun and come back refreshed.

Read the OP’s posts. She doesn’t want to stop and her friends have tried to pressure her in to stopping…

user9632579 · 08/02/2025 02:32

TuesdayRubies · 07/02/2025 07:01

There are some mothers on this thread who likely left their babies at a very young age who are trying to make you feel bad for your choices OP just because it helps them justify theirs. Tbh they're acting exactly like your so-called friends! Ignore them and follow your gut. Real friends wouldn't ditch you because you couldn't make a 'girls trip'!

This. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

user9632579 · 08/02/2025 02:38

SnoopysHoose · 07/02/2025 18:52

I'd start to put an end to the bf, you've a good few months.
You can be a wonderful mum and still have time for you, too many mums esp on MN give very minute to their kids, personally don't think it's healthy, 2 & 4 is absolutely fine to leave with dad, go & have a fun and come back refreshed.

You're telling another woman what to do with her boobs?
Do you also tell strangers not to have abortions?

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