Is that his normal? High sex drive of partner

[purpleChestnut]

Name change for this. Gentle please. I’m quite old school.

I’ve only ever been intimate with two men in my life. My ex husband - we were married 18 years. And a relationship following it that 6 months long.

I met someone around Christmas & we’ve had lots of really nice dates. Lots of chemistry and attraction. I’m in my mid 40’s and he in his early 50’s. Really excited to see him each time.

Thie past weekend I stayed over at his place.
When I got there (90 minute drive), he showed me the house, all the rooms, already made coffee and when he showed me his bedroom, he shut the door and we started kissing. He then had his hands all over my breasts and the next thing I know he had his hands in my knickers, undid my jeans and started stimulating my clit and tried to make me come . My thought was, I’ve barely been at your house for 5 minutes!

In the afternoon we took the dogs for a walk, and then we watched some sport, made dinner (and his 17 and 19 year old children - they are lovely!), and watched a movie. And then went upstairs. We had sex and it was as great but he is quite rough and hard. (I’m sore and feel bruised inside me, 3 days later)

The next morning I woke up with his hands on my knickers and soon inside me. We had sex again and it was great due to the attraction from both sides, but again, rougher and harder than I’ve ever had in my life.

Late the afternoon we sat downstairs on the sofa, just chilling and having a nice time. The next thing I know he took my hand and put it on his jeans, on his penis, wanting me to rub his penis. And then he had his hands inside my knickers again! I asked him to stop as we were in the kitchen and his teenagers could come in any moment, and he then wanted me to go upstairs.

That was the weekend. We speak and FaceTime most nights due to the distance. Last night he asked if he could come to my house this week Thursday, leaving his own teenagers on their own. And he mentioned that I would have to be quiet- straight away assuming that we will have sex ( of my children are a bit younger).

My period is due today or tomorrow.

My question is, are there men who are sexually charged like this? Could this be healthy?
Ive only been with two other people so I don’t feel I know. I don’t know if I’m being naive but is he watching way too much porn or raunchy movies?
I really like him quite a bit but I feel the relationship is too physical? Am I wrong? There needs to be a balance between emotional closeness, social closeness and physical closeness.
Not just all physical. I feel that if I’m on my period, he may all of a sudden not be interested to see me? Am I wrong?
I want sex all the time, or his hands inside my knickers all the time. But it seems he does?
I just can’t believe some men can be sexually charged like this?

I feel slightly ill reading this. Why is he always initiating expecting you to want it at that particular moment. I can see this getting old for you and you eventually just not wanting it. I feel you need to have some boundaries. Where you have allowed it with no question it seems he then took it further and was very rough with you. That would be a complete turn off for me.

That amount of sex is not abnormal. But not listening to you and hurting you - why did you not say? - is abnormal and a red flag, esp that he always initiates sex and expects you to comply. He may be lovely in lots of ways but he doesn't listen. You need to discuss this with him probably when not actually together. If you are not happy with the sex in a relationship then that relationship is not working for you.

How about doing something else rather than him coming to stay with you?

It would be interesting to see how he reacts if you were to suggest meeting half way for dinner- a 45 minute drive is do-able for both of you. Or go to a film or a daytime exhibition , a country walk, or something.

You could say you weren't ready for him to meet your children (yet) and / or that it's the 'wrong time of the month' (or however you want to put it) and sex is off the menu.

He's going to have to learn that women don't always want sex, for any reason, including a period.

If all he wants is sex, I'm sure he'll find an excuse not to see you.

Giving him some benefit of the doubt, men who aren't very experienced in bed and watch porn often assume women want 'porn type sex' where harder and faster is better. But you have to educate him.

Oh yuk ! he's coming round tomorrow evening for sex WHILST YOUR CHILDREN ARE AT HOME

You met around Christmas which is just over one month ago - had lots of lovely dates - how many, what frequency were you seeing each other ?
and now it's off to each other's homes to meet children / have sex.

Do YOU want him in your home ? has he visited your home before / has he met your children ?

It's time to tell him what you want / time to set boundaries.

You need to work on asserting your boundaries.......and I would not be up for that absolute weirdo knowing my address. Let alone being in my house around my dc.

Throw this one back in the sea. It will not end well.

That whole thing made me sick because it doesn’t sound like you’re comfortable with it

The issue here isn't how 'sexually charged' he is. The issue is that you don't seem able to set boundaries and this man seems to be exploiting that.

This amount of sex would be great for me, personally, especially in a new relationship. But what wouldn't be great for me is being an apparently entirely passive partner who apparently doesn't speak up and say 'OK, this is too soon / too rough / too much / a bit weird when your teenage kids who I've only just met are in the house / a sexual assault given that you were touching me when I was asleep and not consenting'.

You sound quite vulnerable to me, honestly. Obviously I have no idea whether this man is abusive or predatory, or whether he just has a high sex drive and genuinely thought you were into what he was doing. But either way, you need to proceed with a lot more caution and speak up a lot more firmly about what you do and don't want, or you are going to end up physically and emotionally hurt very early on.

You hardly know this person and you have younger children. And you are having him to stay?
I think you need to think about them more and this man's sex drive less .
Also he sounds aggressive and dismissive off what you actually wanted .
You obviously didn't feel like you could refuse him.
Which in it self shows he is not as great as you think.

This is a genuine post.
Thank you for the replies. I could’ve worded it better.

I’ve just purchased the freedom programme. Thanks for the suggestion.
And no, he won’t be coming anywhere near my house or kids this week Thursday or Friday. We can meet in London for coffee like we originally planned and yes, his reaction to that and also when I’m on my period will tell a lot.
His children stays with his 100% of the time and I get that for him, he won’t ever have the chance to have someone over without them. (And no, I don’t think they were aware at all, but still, for my house it’s a definite no)
But for me that’s not the case. My children are not with me all the time. There will
be times when they are not with me.

The main thing is that I really need to communicate and put boundaries in place.

thank you for the replies. I appreciate all of them.

He didn't care at all that his own children could walk in the kitchen at any moment when he had his hands down your pants so do you think he will care if your kids do?. Would you be happy with your younger kids seeing a man they've never met before groping their mum? Because that's what is likely to happen. Sounds like he has no boundaries at all, and neither do you because you can't vocalise that you aren't comfortable with it.

This may be beside the point a little, but following your update, why have his almost adult kids chosen to live with him?
That's pretty unusual unless he's a widower.

The one part that's missing from your posts is how experienced he is with sex. You've mentioned your own lack of experience.

If he's not had much sex for years or his wife left because of his sexual behaviour, that could account for how he's behaving.

This is NOT excusing him in the slightest, but if he's only had one type of sex (rough and inconsiderate) and no woman has said 'STOP' he may think all women like that and it's 'good'.

Do you know much about his back story?

@XiCi It won't happen because OP won't let it.
You can't conflate how he behaved in his house with being in hers.

Cross posted OP. I'm glad he's not coming round this weekend. I find it a bit strange though that he asked to come round to you on a weekend when you had your kids if you have weekends when you don't have them. He sounds, at best, incredibly selfish

. (And no, I don’t think they were aware at all, but still, for my house it’s a definite no)

Sorry but if their dad allowed a 'new' woman to stay in his bed, they would surely know you were having sex.

I like a lot of sex at the start of a relationship, but I'd be furious and disturbed if anyone assumed they could be rough with me, or felt entitled to just touch my genitals randomly whenever they felt like it.

Well you can, because that is the only evidence we have of his normal behaviour. So someone that I already knew acted like that, that I'd only known a few weeks, wouldn't be getting anywhere near my kids. I'm glad the OP has now changed her plans.

His children stays with him because their youngest wants nothing to do with the mum and feels rejected by the mum. The oldest one goes to visit the mum sometimes.
He’s had one relationship since their divorce and it didn’t work out because the woman wanted him to stay at her place for a week at a time (when her kids were not there), or go away for holiday. And he felt he couldn’t do it because his own children are with him all the time. His youngest also has a really close bond with him, something that got in the way with his new relationship (that didn’t work out).

I don’t know how many partners he had earlier in life.

It sounds very fast paced you only met at Christmas. I think a lot of sex is normal but waking up and he was already pushing for sex. Was he doing this before you woke up? I wouldn’t let any man into my home with my children there unless I knew he was going to be in my life a long time. You need to be able to voice your feelings, no, gentle etc. You may not be compatible but I think he is being to pushy.

Seems more like hound in mating season than a caring man. Yes there’s usually lots of ‘hot’ sex in the early days but it should be that you’re both on the same page. He just sounds like a groper/mauler.

He sounds gross, telling you you’ll have to be quiet do your kids don’t hear. He’s very into getting his needs met and doing a lot of presuming you’re down for the ride. Literally.

He’s too forward and it seems like his dick is the most important thing in the relationship at the moment. I’ve never liked sexually pushy men like this. They’re pests and you constantly feel under pressure to serve up the goods.

Honestly at 50 I want someone to communicate with me and ASK. It’s like going to dinner and him ordering all your food for you, just assuming you like and get off on rough sex. He needs to ASK. It’s your body, not his, to with as he pleases.

I also hope his DC didn’t hear you having sex either. Honestly it all sounds a bit grim. I understand they are there all the time but he’s got to consider them and their feelings too. He’s like a 14 year old making all the mistakes he should have learnt years ago… and not even all 14 year olds would be this clumsy.

Thanks for your update.

Only you know how you feel. This is not about a high sex drive.
It's about not being considerate.

We don't need another chapter of 'erotica' as one poster put it, but you'll know if he was considerate, if he put your needs first and tried to please you.

What was lacking was tenderness.

He may be one of those men who just think that harder and faster is what women want, and also trying to make you feel 'wanted' by pawing you so often. Trying to impress?

If you really like him it's worth a conversation to say how you feel and see if he understands.

I have an ex like this. A good man but struggled to understand that what felt good for him didn't always feel good for me. He did work towards understanding, but I think his disconnect was not understanding the additional sensitivity of women's anatomy.

As other have said, premenopausal, this is OK. BUT when menopause hits and you need more care and sensitivity, physically and emotionally, he might not be able to manage to adapt.

I do think talking and showing him what you like at this stage would be good. Older men don't always get how women's bodies work. (I had a copy of The Hite Report and got my ex to read it. A lot of it was new to him.) And also work out how much sex you want and be honest. Tell him. I'm mid 40s. I can't keep up the rate that I could have done at 25. Once a day (or however often you enjoy) while you're with him is your limit. If he moans / isn't happy, it's a sign to let him go.

This would massively give me the ick.

‘…‘trying to make you feel 'wanted' by pawing you so often’

No no no no no. No. He’s so happy he doesn’t need to wank all the time, now he’s got his own sex doll.

He paws her for sex, not because he is trying to make her feel wanted. Jesus Christ.