Is that his normal? High sex drive of partner

[purpleChestnut]

Name change for this. Gentle please. I’m quite old school.

I’ve only ever been intimate with two men in my life. My ex husband - we were married 18 years. And a relationship following it that 6 months long.

I met someone around Christmas & we’ve had lots of really nice dates. Lots of chemistry and attraction. I’m in my mid 40’s and he in his early 50’s. Really excited to see him each time.

Thie past weekend I stayed over at his place.
When I got there (90 minute drive), he showed me the house, all the rooms, already made coffee and when he showed me his bedroom, he shut the door and we started kissing. He then had his hands all over my breasts and the next thing I know he had his hands in my knickers, undid my jeans and started stimulating my clit and tried to make me come . My thought was, I’ve barely been at your house for 5 minutes!

In the afternoon we took the dogs for a walk, and then we watched some sport, made dinner (and his 17 and 19 year old children - they are lovely!), and watched a movie. And then went upstairs. We had sex and it was as great but he is quite rough and hard. (I’m sore and feel bruised inside me, 3 days later)

The next morning I woke up with his hands on my knickers and soon inside me. We had sex again and it was great due to the attraction from both sides, but again, rougher and harder than I’ve ever had in my life.

Late the afternoon we sat downstairs on the sofa, just chilling and having a nice time. The next thing I know he took my hand and put it on his jeans, on his penis, wanting me to rub his penis. And then he had his hands inside my knickers again! I asked him to stop as we were in the kitchen and his teenagers could come in any moment, and he then wanted me to go upstairs.

That was the weekend. We speak and FaceTime most nights due to the distance. Last night he asked if he could come to my house this week Thursday, leaving his own teenagers on their own. And he mentioned that I would have to be quiet- straight away assuming that we will have sex ( of my children are a bit younger).

My period is due today or tomorrow.

My question is, are there men who are sexually charged like this? Could this be healthy?
Ive only been with two other people so I don’t feel I know. I don’t know if I’m being naive but is he watching way too much porn or raunchy movies?
I really like him quite a bit but I feel the relationship is too physical? Am I wrong? There needs to be a balance between emotional closeness, social closeness and physical closeness.
Not just all physical. I feel that if I’m on my period, he may all of a sudden not be interested to see me? Am I wrong?
I want sex all the time, or his hands inside my knickers all the time. But it seems he does?
I just can’t believe some men can be sexually charged like this?

Thank you TipsyJoker. This is all great advice.

Here's your answer. If something doesn't feel good for you, it's not good for you. That's the end of the line. I don't want to trumps all.

If you don't want him pawing at your clit every time you sit down with a cup of tea, he is not for you. If you do not like the same kind of rough sex he does, he is not for you. There are millions of men out there and most of them, not for you. This isn't porn or any other external factor. This is HIM.

Last night he asked if he could come to my house this week Thursday, leaving his own teenagers on their own. And he mentioned that I would have to be quiet- straight away assuming that we will have sex ( of my children are a bit younger)

Can he come round and shag you quietly with your two young children in the house? How long have you known him? You don't feel fully comfortable with him physically, he doesn't ask about what you want, he pushes your boundaries and railroads his own agenda without checking for any consent or enjoyment?

NO he doesn't get to go anywhere near your children.

I wonder if he's using pharmaceutical assistance like Viagra.
There's also a difference between enthusiastic sex and so rough it hurts sex

Yes - some men are like that (and maybe some women?!) There's nothing wrong with that but only if you want it too. You need to be clear about your wishes right now. If he does something you don't like or if you don't feel like having sex, just say. Otherwise he'll just carry on and you'll resent it. And if he doesn't respect your wishes, dump him.

How many other women has he brought home and had sex with while his teenagers are in the house after dating for only a month?

That is not normal. He is putting his feelings above his teenagers and also yours. Not a great role model for his kids.

The rough sex and frequency of it, if you don't enjoy it, has to be addressed asap.

He is also not thinking about your kids if he wants to have sex while they are in the house.

I'd not be seeing him again.
Rough sex you don't consent to, touching you don't consent to, trying it on with his kids floating about then inviting himself to your house where you have younger kids, in 6 weeks is OTT.

Have you had any counselling following your abusive marriage?
It might be helpful for you, in the long run having good clear boundaries will make you feel safer and see potential red flags earlier hopefully.

A man's reaction to the word NO can be a good indicator of future behavior.
Stay safe 🌼

I think you need to be really careful here. You don't want to set a president for agreeing to things your not comfortable with at the start only to find that they escalate to more things your not comfortable with.

Sex drive is personal, even if has a high sex drive he should be checking in and communicating with you as to what you enjoy - nobody enjoys being bruised.

I hope he has had a full STD check before all this humping started and you are using protection too.

Also iust seen you ket him around christmas. So 6 weeks. And youre considering having him over to your house?

This is not a good idea for many reasons. Given your update about previous abuse in your marriage I really think it would be a good idea to seek some therapy and look at practicing having healthy boundaries in place

The question you should be asking as well as 'is this normal' is 'does this feel right to me / is this what I want / does this make me happy'? Lots of things that are 'normal' (eg men not pulling their weight in relationships) are unacceptable to me for example

OP, I have just seen you have been in an abusive marriage. I think it might be a good idea for you to do a couple of things to keep yourself safe moving forward because your past experience will have left you with skewed perceptions of what a healthy relationship looks like.

First, do the freedom programme. It will help you learn to spot red flags. In person if possible but online if not.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Also, seek out some counselling to learn how to be more assertive and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

And read this, to understand how abusive men’s minds work and the tactics they employ to snare and abuse their victims. Knowledge is power and the more you understand these dynamics and are able to spot red flags, the better.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It’s so easy to fall into another abusive relationship when you’ve been conditioned to accept abusive behaviour. Try to get the support to help you stay safe in future relationships by engaging with the above suggestions. It’s not only for you but for your children. You are their role model and you need to protect them by protecting yourself.

Some people are like this. DH and I are (married 10 years with 2 kids, me 35 and him 40); it's normal for us to have sex multiple times a day. However, neither of us force it and we're in tune with one another. If one of us said no, the other would stop.

He also doesn't hurt me. Rough sex done consensually is one thing, and I don't mind feeling a bit achy sometimes, but he's never ever caused me real pain. You need to sit down and tell him what you like and don't like as well as explaining a frequency that works for you. If he can't meet you in the middle then it isn't going to work, and it's selfish as fuck and abusive on his part.

I'd also tell him if you don't want period sex. Some people like it (I do, it helps cramps and I feel relaxed), others don't, but you need to set those boundaries. If he pushes them or expects servicing then again - abusive and selfish.

There's nothing inherently wrong with the frequency, but if he's hurting you and you feel pushed into doing it then you need to speak up. Then you'll know what kind of man he is.

Aside from the sex, which you are getting great advice on here about (consent, compatibility and communication of your wishes )

I just want to ask you, we’re you genuinely planning on inviting a man you’ve just started dating to your house, where you have children??? He will meet them then , won’t he?? And, we’re you planning to have sex with him with them in the house on that very first meeting??

I actually can’t believe you are really considering this.

How old are your children OP??

edited to say children, not “small children”.
I see you said they are slightly younger than his, so I assume teenagers. But still.

I echo what others have said, you need to let him know he needs to slow down. I know that is easier said than done.

In a new relationship, it can be common/normal to be having lots of sex. But he sounds like a bit of a pest!

Ummm, this screams abusive to me...my XH was like this, coercive wouldn't take no for an answer in the early days (love bombing "you just turn me on too much") and just constant pressure at all hours of the day and night. He even told me that he was so relieved to have met someone with a sex drive like his - but I didn't, I was just trying to please him...

The actual sex was all about him as well, even when I was enjoying some of it, it was somehow all about his performance "look how good I can make a woman feel". And rough was par for the course (and later got more explicitly rough which I didn't like and couldn't respond to).

And yes the kids thing too...he got off on us having sex when his kids were in the house (which I did once and then felt dreadful about so never did it again).

Get rid lovely, you deserve much better than this xxx

Doesn't matter if it's "normal" or not. Some people are like that, others aren't. There is no normal when it comes to sex. Sex needs to be consensual, that's all. Doesn't matter if it is missionary under cover or full on bondage. Both parties need to consent.
You don't find this acceptable and you don't feel able to say no. That's not consensual sex. You need to speak to him. If you don't feel able to, then you need to end the relationship.
Who cares if he doesn't want to see you when you are on your period? Not me! It's not about him, it's about you. If you think he is not interested in you as a person, it makes no difference whether you are on your period or not.

Are you sure you are ready for a relationship if you aren't able to communicate what you do and don't want to do. You sound too passive about everything. The fact that you mention that you wonder if he will go off you when you have your period is crazy.

What do you want out of this relationship? Why are you in it?

@TipsyJoker has some excellent advice. Communication is definitely key here

Sounds to me like he was testing you to see if he could just make you do all of these things or if you'd speak up. You stayed quiet (no judgement, I acknowledge that sometimes reflection time is needed to look back and see what happened).

He now knows you'll stay quiet.

I think it's quite scary tbh.

OP when you don’t want it you have to say ‘no’. See how he reacts then. It can’t be forever on his terms, if you carry on like this the relationship will be really shit.

Honestly anything that felt rough and made me sore would be a bit of a no from me. I think I would be creating a bit of distance and having a serious discussion about mutual wants and desires

Some posters are saying the rough sex was abusive etc but the OP actually says in her OP that the rough sex was 'great' and only realized she was sore the following day. If she is still describing it as 'great' sex then I am not sure the boyfriend can be blamed for thinking it was ok.

This ^

It is far to soon to bring him to your children as well even without everything else

I think it’s normal in a new relationship when you both fancy the pants off each other. But if he is rougher than you like then you definitely need to tell him this. I also wouldn’t be inviting him over to my house when children are present when you only met him in December. I’d be wondering if its a common occurrence he is inviting women over when his DC are there.