To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

My parents did it as I didn’t want to go to private school but they made sure to provide me with other financial benefits so I didn’t feel treated unequally (month-long school trip to the other side of the world, bought me a piano, more expensive extra-curriculars).

For what it’s worth, I ended up with higher school marks and better scholarships than my privately educated sibling did.

I wouldn’t do it if one sibling is enjoying a level of advantage that the other is not.

If that’s how he views it he (you) shouldn’t have another DC.

I know someone who did this. They sent the super bright kid to a state school because ‘they’ll be ok anywhere’. The second one wasn’t as academic so they went to a private school with good sporting opportunities and they now play that sport at national level.

The state educated child ended up doing a masters at Cambridge.

i guess you could say that they’d got it right but it always felt harsh.

I know someone who paid 19k a year for their son to attend a local private school. But then their daughter attended the local state school, ofsted outstanding and 10 mins walk. The dad and grandparents were really keen for the son to attend private school, and they contributed. They couldn’t really afford it, it was a keeping up with the Jones kind of situation. The mum got a job just to fund it, she was a SAHM beforehand. She was massively relieved when her DD insisted on going to the local secondary as she was so worried about affording it. Her DD was offered the chance of private and suggested attending a few to look around but she was adamant, she wanted to attend the local state. She also did better in her GCSE’s than her brother, whose education cost a fortune.

So no, I don’t think its essential to give exactly same education but if a case of local school is rubbish, then its not fair to only offer private to one DC.

Don’t go private, find a decent state and take an active interest in your kids education. Help them identify their talents and interests. Support them with social and emotional development. Encourage them to take responsibility early, show them that hard work pays off. There is so much more that will determine success than just grades. Take it from someone with perfect grades, oxbridge degree, no direction :)

Yikes - seen this happen. Resentment at the injustice from DC1, not great exam results from DC2.

You’ll probably back the wrong horse in terms of academic success.

You shouldn’t be backing horses, you should be bringing up your children. Which at a minimum means fairly and not unkindly.

Circumstances and kids needs might result in a different outcome like PP above where private education for one doesn't suit the other or one child has specific needs or gets a scholarship, but you can't go into it planned from the start. That isn't fair. Either stick with one or plan for both to go to state school. Life might change that plan in a way that is still fair to both DC or it might not, in which case you should both be prepared not to send them private.

I think he's struggling to imagine another DC in 'real life' and it Harry be different if you have an 11yo and a 7yo in front of you (don't bother with private primary school).

My friends did send one child because they have one son who would have hated the highly academic, competitive atmosphere (he's SEN). They just looked into it for their younger son and he loved it and passed entrance exam / interview with no tuition so they decided it would be great for him (he has also had to sacrifice many things for his older brother's needs). So, in the end it's worked out and I would say it's 'fair'.

However, in our house we would not have sent only one child (we have 3). I don't think it would be fair to send one child, even though one of our children would probably have particularly benefited, and it would have affected our close family dynamic. I think it would definitely affect sibling relationships.

So, basically it's a silly thing to argue over right now! Wait till/ IF you have another child. Wait till they are both older as you don't know what life throws at you. As they grow up, if you see your children's closeness and you don't want to upset that, then you can make an appropriate decision. If you see that one child would really benefit and the other child would not be at all affected then you may make a different decision.

Both my DC went to private prep but only one to boarding school as she won a scholarship. DS went to an outstanding state secondary. My DD hated the people and the lack of diversity. She would never send her DC to private school.
One is with the civil service the other at Oxford.
Personally I think a prep school teaches children how to learn. Pick wisely because for boys it's all about the sport.

Three siblings in our family: myself and another went to local grammar school. The third (less academic) went to a private school. It never felt that unfair at the time, just the best schools for each of our needs.

Unless as above a child chooses not to go private like their sibling, but they were offered it.

I can't comprehend sending one and not the other. That's a recipe for a poor family relationship and definitly doesn't guarantee good results. I would focus on finding an excellent state school and moving close by.

It all depends. My 14 year old is on state because they have a SEN program with integration so it's perfect for him. My 11 year old is in private school because he's a good student and attending our local state would be detrimental to his education and his mh. He attended state primary and was already being teased for liking school and being a good student whereas in his private school all children are keen learners (you have to be in ordet to get a place).

But to decide this from the outset before you know who your children are and their needs/capabilities is grim. I would not have a second child with this man.

I totally disagree with your dh. A decent state primary is fine. You fill in the gaps with home study and tutoring a lot easier and more cheaply than at secondary.

My dd changed from state to private in year 9. All her choice but she needed to leave her former school and she got far better grades than she would have there. However, there are kids, who thrived in that school.

Are you in a grammar school area? If so, then it’s normal to send your dc to private primary. Otherwise not and even parents, who can well afford it for more than one child stand by state til 8.

It doesn’t sound as if you’re very well off. School fees have jumped massively. I definitely would not send your dc to private school in reception. Imo that would be so wrong if a) you have another child and b) you have to pull them out due to affordability. All you’ll get is resentment from both children.

I know someone with 4 kids and she and her dh have treated them all individually. They all went to the local state primary. Two coped well with the ofsted outstanding brilliant secondary. Two ended up switching to private school as the state school didn’t suit them. However those 2 girls went at different points in time when they needed to be there. And from memory I think they also went to different private schools so at one point she had 4 kids at 3 different secondaries.

It is good for your to have local friends for play dates so I totally agree with you. Save your money for private secondary. If you have more than one child, you may be able to send them both when the time comes. Or you may not need to. I would focus on living in catchment of a brilliant state secondary.

I will add as well it does come down to the kids themselves. Some may benefit more from private for various reasons and when they are old enough they are likely to understand that. But you won't know that with a toddler and a baby that's not even a twinkle in your eye yet.

Does he definitely want another child?

Treat them exactly the same . Examples have been given here of pupils in local comp doing better than their private ed siblings but what if it doesn't work out that way . What if private kid went into to hugely lucrative career whilst other was NMW , imagine the resentment.

I can't think of anything offhand where I wouldn't treat kids equally .

As a blanket rule it’s not unreasonable. But your DH’s particular plan is unreasonable, yes.

We have our DC in a mix of state and private (and none have/are certain to stay in one type of school or the other the whole way through), but the difference is that we’ve chosen the best school for each child at each stage and we haven’t chosen anything for one that we couldn’t offer to the others if it were the right fit for them. And for the DC who are in state school we’re able to pay for additional enrichment and extra-curriculars. We haven’t chosen one child to allocate more of our resources to (which is what your DH is suggesting), we’ve just used our resources differently for each child.

In your situation I would stay in state and set some budget for enrichment. Once your family is complete you can look at your finances and see if you can include private options in your selection at secondary and 16+ for both/all of your DC (again, only if that particular school is the best fit) or should stick to state with some supplementation.

And the idea that private must mean a better education is unfounded nonsense.

I understand him wanting to do the best for his current child because he cannot yet imagine a second child.

I think the best you can suggest is to plan for both to go to private senior school, and start saving now. That will make him feel like he is being proactive. Also it is much easier to find a good state primary.

By the time decisions must be made, he will be equally besotted with dc1 and dc2. You will be 7 years into saving, a further 7 years into careers and mortgage, and you will both be able to make an informed decision.

If you then decide private education for two is unaffordable, you have a university fund already set up, or a fund for cars and driving lessons etc.

If dc 2 isn't even conceived yet, you can't possibly know what education will suit each child. But there are plenty of contexts where private is not better, especially if you are in an area with good state schools.

Deciding whether or not you and DH both want a second child seems like the biggest issue right now.

You shouldn't have another child if your DH has made it very clear that all the resources will be directed towards your DD.

He is already planning to to discriminate between his two children which could lead to life-long resentment. He sounds pretty awful tbh.

That's a pretty sweeping generalisation. . My DS was bullied relentlessly at primary because he didn't like sport, or more specifically football. He liked to study. For him it was all about science.

I moved him to a private senior to get him away from the football obsessed bullies and now he's a happy gym-going science & maths sixth former.

Much more important to look at the needs and passions of the individual child.

If you want to go private and can only afford to send one then don't have more kids. It would be grossly unfair to spend that Level of money on one child only.

All schools and all children are different and private isn't always by definition better, there are some crap private schools and some that are great so long as you are the right personality type and learning profile but terrible if you aren't a good fit. The same can be said of state schools.

Your subsequent child(ren) don't exist yet, and aren't guaranteed and your existing child is not even school age yet so no need to stress yet. You should do the best you can for your existing child(ren) at any given point in time but don't sacrifice the wellbeing of an existing child to save up for a potential future child who isn't yet conceived. I agree with you that with multiple children you need to consider their needs equally, but I don't think you shoul expect the same school will be best for every child and I don't think you should balance the needs of future potential children equally with those of a real existing child. Send your child to the most appropriate childcare/preschool/reception class that suits their and your needs, state or private. If you get pregnant again you may change things, thats ok. If you could afford to send once DC to private from yR to Y13 then you could probably manage to do state till y5 then private y6-y11 at least for both by saving up the fees, just no need to start saving until you have a 12 week scan and know that #2 is definitely en route.

There is a big difference here between opportunity and what actually happens. As pp have demonstrated, different children will suit different learning environments - private, state, large, small, single sex, co-ed etc.

You’re not going to know what that is for a good few years so need to work on the assumption that you can give both the same, even if one doesn’t need it.

I also think opinions on schooling are very much based on individual experiences - I grew up in the Home Counties in an area where the state schools were generally very good. DH, on the other hand was in an area where state schools were struggling and so went to private school (on the back of an assisted place, mind). Our first real disagreement - waaay before any kids was about his insistence that his future children would have to go to private schools, whilst I thought it had to be the right school for the child. But then I have experience of a ‘good’ state systems. Is there any way that could be impacting his thoughts?

ETA: Now that we’re starting to think about secondary for DC, I’m actually pushing for private and DH for the local comp!!!