To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

I agree and I think as parents we need to try to treat our children in an equitable way but not equally. I have seen friends tie themselves in knots in a bid to give their children the same when in reality the children are so different that they actually needed totally different things to meet their wants and needs.

I know children that would benefit from going to private school but also many children that thrive in the state system. It really isn't the case that private is better for everyone.

I would love to know for those without ND children how many girls are picked to go to private school over their male siblings

If your husband wants your daughter to have a certain lifestyle then don’t have any more kids. It’s not compulsory to have more than one. What if your next pregnancy turns out to be twins then you won’t be able to afford any private schooling for anyone anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

The statistics show a lot! When I was younger it was so common and opening talked about. Because what was the point in educating girls expensively.

Why not use state primary and then target highly academically selective private secondary schools. You can give both children the same opportunity to try and gain entry and if both do happen to succeed you’ll only be playing for 5 or possibly 7 years each.

If you do that they’ll almost certainly achieve better exam results than any state school including grammars if that’s your goal.

If you have the money for even one private school place, I think you'd be better off using that to get a house in the catchment area of a good school that all of your children can then attend.

How could you decide who to send to private school otherwise. Would it just be the eldest? Assuming your DH just wants them to be academically successful, what if it turned out that the youngest was the one that was better suited to taking advantage of a private education?

Your family dynamic would always be unequal with one child receiving more than any others. That's unlikely to lead to good relationships in the future.

Even with the best of intentions it will lead to resentment. To me, this would only really be OK if one child had significant learning needs and needed a private specialist provision. Your DH is basically saying 'first come first served'.

If he feels that strongly about private school, he should really be suggesting you don't have any more children (I get you don't want that). I would hope your DH would feel differently if your second DC was actually born and he cared about them.

So statistics track which girls go to public school over their male siblings, or just that girls go to public school?

I know a family who did this. Eldest went to private school on some sort of financial support scheme. That scheme no longer existed by time younger went to senior school so he went to state school. Younger bitterly resented the older having an education and opportunities he never had and it ruined the brothers’ relationship. That caused the parents great pain.

Surely all parents are aware that siblings feel keenly any real or perceived difference in treatment. No way would I do what your H is suggesting.

We have twins - one in private, the other in state - state school is academically better than private but the child in private needs the smaller class sizes due to Sen needs. Both kids academic and both passed 11 plus state school child did better in GCSEs.
I used to threaten state school child if they didn’t study I would send them private! They liked being in state as walked to school and had local friends.
seriously but a house near a good state school and use money saved from private to pay for tutors

My husband has several siblings. He was privately educated, as was his older sibling. His parents effectively ran out of money to send the younger ones. It's caused a lot of resentment tbh.

I think you need to try not to start with the assumption that private school is always ‘better’.
You can’t really have a theoretical discussion about why you should give your (imaginary?) second child fewer opportunities than the first.

It needs to be in the context of a specific school, and specific child - what does this school offer that other school doesn’t, and will this specific child be so disadvantaged by not having that, that it means we need to do everything in our power to get it?

And you need to be specific - does this child need smaller class sizes? Will they struggle to engage with learning without them? Or do you just think they are ‘better’?

Does this school offer subjects that are your child’s passion, that the other just doesn’t offer at all (maybe a specific sport, languages, music, etc)? Is there another way of accessing them?

If that school really is the only answer, then have the discussion.

My DC go to state school. There is a private school nearby that offers a couple of subjects that I think my DC would have really thrived with and enjoyed, that you can’t do at their state school.
I’m a little disappointed that they haven’t had the chance to experience those specific subjects, but ultimately we didn’t think it was worth it overall. And even if they’d gone there they might have chosen to drop or not take up those subjects anyway.

I know a farming family where only the boys are sent to private school, the girls to the local village one. The boys are always expected to stay working in the farm, the girls to go off and make their own careers or ‘marry their money’ 🤢.

It is absolute bullshit and there is no way to justify the differing treatment of children, whatever it is. Same opportunities for all.

I know a farming family where only the boys are sent to private school, the girls to the local village one. The boys are always expected to stay working in the farm, the girls to go off and make their own careers or ‘marry their money’ 🤢.

It is absolute bullshit and there is no way to justify the differing treatment of children, whatever it is. Same opportunities for all.

I think you shouldn't have more children than you can afford. If you want to pay for education but can't afford it for more than one child, don't have more than one child.

I think providing what is the best education for each child depending on their needs is very different from planning ahead to not treat subsequent children equally.

If sending your child to private school is very important to your husband and it's not affordable to send 2 then perhaps the solution is to only have one child.
Maybe suggest that to him.

Arguably in this scenario, the girls would have more use for the private education, in terms of looking for a career/husband! The boys are going to get the farm whether they get a string of top results and are on the rowing team or fail everything! What a way to breed resentment - different schooling opportunities and different life paths expected. The resentment could.go both ways on that.

Where I live the state boys schools are excellent but the private girls schools are better than state so yes I would consider sending one DC private and the other not. In another city I lived in, parents fought to get their kids into certain state schools and then went private if their children didn’t get in.

I agree with you that it's not fair to decide to educate on child in a private school and one in state school. There are exceptions to this maybe if one child has SEN needs that a certain school meets better. It seems your husband can't think about a second child because you don't have one yet. That may change when you do.

I do know a family who chose to send there DD to a very good state school but there ds will be going to a private school. The only reason seemed to be because he is a boy. That's outright wrong in my view.

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That’s what I thought! I went to a rural comp and some of the farming boys just hated school. Practical deputy head would take them out of French to teach them farming and practical building skills. Wouldn’t be allowed now but they loved it. They dug a swimming pool out a big one too.

I tend to agree with you, if we had an only child we might have considered private school for them, but with 2 I think that would be tremendously unfair to the one who didn't get to go and has a good chance of building resentment later in life.
However I can see where it might be justified if 1 child has additional needs and would really benefit from smaller classes etc. Or like our local area which has some great state girls schools but the choice for boys is sadly lacking a bit. It might genuinely be the best for one child but I think I would also have to try to put a comparable amount of money aside for the other one to balance things out at some point. I can't imagine spending tens of thousands of £ on one while the other gets nothing.

I agree with all of this.

I don't think you should have another baby until this is resolved.

1. Examine your assumptions about school systems, as previous posters have suggested.
2. If you’d like to have two children with expensive educations, but can’t afford that, then have one child. Note that the base school fees cover only a small part of educational expense; there are music, drama, sports, trips etc as well as significantly longer holiday periods which will require care (not provided by you, as you’ll be working full time?) and additional expense if there are tutors, camps etc
3. If you’re flexible about education, consider other options which would allow a high quality of education for two children, for example, a less expensive private school; moving to an area with excellent state provision, Catholic schools if you’re Catholic; move abroad for a higher paid role for a few years before school years, to pay off your mortgage (if that’s feasible).
4. Really think this through. If your husband is in peak earnings, and you’ve been on a career break, please consider how you’ll be paying (much higher) school fees in 15-20 years when your children are still at school and you’re both not earning as much but still have your mortgage. Make sure you won’t have to pull them out of school during the most important GCSE and A level years, because of poor planning.

From my perspective, the biggest impact on a child’s educational attainment is the home environment. Having a calm and loving home where education is valued, the child has a desk to work from and adequate lighting, good nutrition, access to books and nightly reading etc will be much more valuable than a private school (which will assume these things are in place). If you’re exhausted after both working full time, in my experience, it will become very difficult to keep these foundations in place. So…either have one child and invest time in making sure that child has close cousins/friends, or have two but only commit to an education you can afford for the next 20 years ie a state one supplemented by tuition and extra curriculars.

Sorry you’re in this tough position…the days of middle class people being able to afford 3 children with private school have been over for a few years now. Welcome to the club!

We have done this and I constantly question if it was right. We have four children and the eldest is at private school. He has ASD and DCD and struggles academically. The other three are very academic. We live in a grammar school area.

DC1 didn't pass the test, but he's not that far behind academically and doesn't have major behavioral issues. So not enough difficulties for a specialist provision, but enough that he would have hugely struggled in the non selective schools near us. He just needs a little more TLC. Which he gets from our local independent school.

Meanwhile my high flying younger ones attend grammar schools (or will) and have money poured into them to try and match the extracurricular opportunities (which DC1 resolutely ignores in private school anyway).

It was a really hard decision to make, but the fact is, children are different and may need different things.