To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

Regardless of the kids gender, it will cause resentment down the line which will be difficult to navigate all their lives

You and him, will need to think about this very carefully and prepared to deal with the fallout and long term impact.

My DD won a scholarship and went off to an independent school. I have 2 DS's who went to state school. My DD's state school suggested she sit the scholarship exam. Should I have refused her this opportunity because her 2 brothers did not get offered the same? DC adults now but all 3 DC did well and all have jobs.

I know several adults and a couple with teenage kids where not all siblings went to private. It's not been a problem.
One person was very academic and won a scholarship, his brother went to state and then trade school and couldn't be happier. He also got a very large chunk of money from his parents for a property.
Teenage kids - both went to public primary. One was very academic, the other creative. They ended up with schools that catered for their individual needs, one of them happened to be public. For what it's worth, both decided not to continue after their GCSEs.
I briefly went to public school and couldn't be more miserable there.

I would not send one to state and one private. All this stuff about 'the best school for them' is just people justifying their decisions. I'm not including SEN in this btw as that's a different decision.

Extra curriculars are not the same as doing all that extra stuff at school. School is not just about academic results.

All those saying that their DC chose the state school. Great but how do you know that they hadn't overheard or understood what a stretch it would be financially?

Lastly there's always 'proof' trotted out about the state school child doing way better than then the privately educated one. When in fact it could be that the privately educated child achieved everything they could and would have drowned in the state system. What your child ends up earning is not a test of whether spending on private school is worth it.

I do know parents who send one child privately for a specific reason (SEN, not getting into a grammar, music scholarship etc). But to just plan for one at the outset is nuts.

The thing to bear in mind is, your current DC is a real child who is deeply loved by DH. Possibly subsequent child is only an idea at present. Once they’re born, DH will love them Just as much and not want to treat them differently.

Ask him would this extend to all other opportunities as well: ski trips, music lessons etc?

Don't use the private school and top your mortgage, with 30 more years to pay you are paying an awful amount of interest unless your rates are somehow different that the rest of us.

I don't agree with this.

Not all children want to be educated privately anyway. I know families where the children went to different schools.

The point is that parents should choose the right school for their child.

That doesn't mean a black and white choice of 'state or indie'.

It also doesn't mean that all private schools are better than all state schools.

Many private schools have specialisms, like music, drama, sport, and talented children can apply for scholarships.

I am wincing at the narrow mindedness of this OP's H. I assume he didn't have a private education. there is a lack of education in his thinking and experience.

As for their child getting an excellent job- well, what if the dear child wants to do something very non-conformist where a high income isn't possible?

And- horror of horrors- what if they simply aren't bright enough to get to a good uni?

I’ve had 2 in state one in private. The state school was better academically and the 2 there have thrived. The one at private started there and it was a disaster. They’ve ADHD and autism and needed the pastoral side of the private school. The other 2 didn’t go as they would have compromised the academics.

eldest in state got better results and a better uni. The one at private actually went to school, managed to finally make some friends and got decent results for exams she would never have got as far as sitting at state.

I wouldn’t do anything that would show that one child is being treated significantly different from the other “just because”. Both children will be different, but if the reasoning is sending one to private school just because you have to pick one as opposed to - one wants to go, or one is doing very badly in state and private is the only way etc.

Look out for your child’s personality too - some kids have to be pushed and benefit from a stickler school whilst others are just academic and will do well prettt much anywhere.

But the second one isn’t here - so if you want to put the first in private school and not plan for a second, that could work too.

I don’t think you can make a decision having one toddler. On principle I think you need to offer the same opportunity to both and I stick by that as a principle and don’t like your DH’s stance given it is so heavily tilted to one very young child at the potential detriment of the other.

However, life is often much more grey than black and white and there are lots of permeations where things are not so clear cut.

Both of my children are in a one form entry state primary. I am seriously considering moving one to private. Their classes and experiences have been very different. One is carnage quite frankly, child has been hit, kicked, generally hates it and it’s now getting in the way of her learning anything. Even within the same school they do not have the same experience. I should have moved her much earlier and I regret not doing that as places are full at the schools I like.

I went to a private school and my brother to a state school. I got a scholarship, otherwise it wouldn’t have been an option. He was not at all academic and it wouldn’t have been the right place for him. In fact, he took and failed the entrance exam.

it has never caused any resentment or problems, but our lives have taken very different paths as a result.

Family we know 2 girls , 1 boy . Boy is the middle child .
2 girls state educated , boy private .

There is no son, only a daughter. If they have a second child, they might have another daughter. The point is that they could only afford to send one of two children to private school.

If it were me, unless there turned out to be some different issue (SEN, etc.) I would send both to state primary, save as much as possible and then if you still wanted to, send both to private secondary.

Either way I don't think private school usually makes sense if it is not very easily affordable. Nine times out of ten I think the money would make much more difference to the DC if spent on top ups like tutoring/clubs, travel experiences and the rest saved for house deposit. Getting on the housing ladder is so much more advantageous than the difference between state and private education imo. Fine if there's enough cash to easily do both but if these decisions are being made it's madness to put private school first (imo).

Send them both to state to start with.
Pay for tutors to boost grades.
Apply for scholarships at appropriate specialist school if they are talented.
Pay for private school if there are genuine problems in state school that can only be fixed by private schooling.

Also, what if your future DC2 ends up being the one that would actually benefit more from a private school education for all the reasons mentioned in this thread? Would your DH then remove your DD from her private school?

My two sons are doing well at state school, my daughter didn't so is in private. All are happy.

It's not one size fits all.

You'd be better off by moving into the area of an Outstanding state school!
Where I am, you can hardly get a family house for under £800K near those schools and the houses right next to the schools are in the region of £1M for an ordinary 3-4 bed house.

After 8 years in one of those houses they'd increase in value too!

As others have said, very different if you are choosing different schools / education types based on the wants and / or needs of individual children but for planned financial reasons, I could never start one child in private education knowing we couldn’t do the same for planned subsequent children.

Lots of pressure on the kid to get “an excellent career” … they might decide to become a surfer or work in a bar. Spending a fortune on education doesn’t always equate to what your DH may see as a good career.

My brother was moved to a private school when he was 8, I stayed in state schools. He was disruptive and badly behaved though and needed a stricter environment. I understand that and it never bothered me.

Do what’s best based on child’s individual needs.

As others have said, planning to focus more of the family resource on one child than the other can never be right or fair. To me its quite a strange concept!

We sent one to state and one to private. This was driven by their own individual needs rather than finances even though we absolutely would not have been able to afford two sets of fees.

I think we were lucky that it was the youngest who ended up "needing" to go to private school and the fact that the eldest was already thriving at a state grammar.

Both know we did what was best for each of them. DS firmly believes his grammar school was better and more "high status" than DD's non selective private school so he doesn't feel any unfairness.

so what if both children have genuine problems that can only be fixed by private schooling?

Depends on the needs of the kids tbh. I sent one private as he had a talent that the state schools couldn’t support, and he got a scholarship. Next child went to grammar school. Both content with their choices and both got into Oxbridge.

My academic DC1 went to a grammar school, less academic but very musical/sporty DC2 goes to a private school on scholarship. There is no resentment between them, they are different persons with different needs/abilities.

No school, be it state or private, suits every child.