To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

This could lead to all sorts of problems between the siblings and one might feel the less favoured. This could affect your relationship with that child for life. Especially if the one privately educated is more successful (which may be coincidence). I would either send both to state or find a way to send both private. Or have just the one child.

The only time I think there should be a difference is if there is a special reason for a child to go to a particular school. We actually moved one of ours from private to state due to a specialised program that suited their special interest for a career pathway. One went to a specialised very exclusive private school for the same reason - a specialised program in a particular field. In neither case were they treated differently due to affordability, just what was best for each child.

Your DH attitude is a real issue here. There are circumstances where you might send children to different schools but that depends on the child. You'd be better to save aggressively and send them both to private in year 7. Year 9 they'll find it hard to catch up, unless you can find a state school that will teach Latin, a variety of sports, split sciences etc.

I think you’re better off moving to where they can go to excellent state schools. My kids state primary offers more ( not in sport) than the prep school we attended.
In the area I live lots of people move house for schools.

OP one thing to consider about attending private schools is that the fees are just one aspect of the financial burden. There are the ski trips, exchanges, tours, uniforms to pay for. Then there are the things that everyone else has that your DC may want to keep up with their peers- clothes, phones, holidays. I say this as someone whose parents saved to send us to private school but couldn’t afford any of the above and it always made me feel different and poor. We joke about it now but it has left me with a bit of a complex about keeping up as an adult.

Sounds like financially, you should stick to one child and hower them with as much as you can.
Sending one to private school with the privileges it confers, without giving all siblings the same is a recipe for disaster.

I don’t think it’s unfair to send children to different schools if it’s the right school for the child. But I do think it’s unfair if it’s because you couldn’t afford to offer both children the same school.

I’m not in this position but I’d imagine anyone considering this would need to think long & hard about the practicalities as well as the emotional implications.

• School days of different lengths. School day at our local prep is 7.45 to 4pm. Most kids then stay until 5/6pm for clubs, and some arrive at 6.30am for swimming. The local state primaries are 9am to 3pm (also with wrap around care on offer but school day is definitely shorter).
• Longer/shorter school holidays. Local prep has 9 weeks holiday over the summer and 4 weeks for both Easter and Christmas. And the dates often differ from the state school holidays.
• Facilities. Our local private secondary has its own swimming pool, sports stadium, theatre, dance studios, fencing studio, stables, on-site zoo (!?)… The state secondaries have nothing of the sort and here 3 schools have to share a sports field which is also open to the public and poorly maintained.
• Ethos/attitude. Our private secondary has banned mobile phones, has a super strict uniform policy and basically exists to get kids into Oxbridge/Harvard/MIT. By design our local comprehensive (no grammar schools here) cannot have the same ethos because they are catering for and meeting the needs of a wider range of children. I’m not saying one is better than the other (no skin in the game) but entirely different set-ups.

Lots to consider alongside the feelings of the DCs involved.

I bet your husband was privately educated. I've noticed those who went to private schools and loved the experience want it for their children, those like me who hated it, want to save lots of money and have their children at state schools. For me it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, the bullying was another level. Teaching wasn't that great either.

This will be very hard to comprehend before having them but children can be vastly different. On the surface of it no it’s really not ok to send one and not the other if they both want to go and both would benefit from being there even if the benefit is different. For example I wouldn’t say it’s ok to send one because they are smarter and want to be a neurosurgeon but not the other because they are creative and want to be a hairdresser because otherwise you’re attributing a very clear bias towards ‘success’ and will likely ruin forever your relationship with your kids.

But… they might not all want to go, one may prefer to go to the local with their friends if you’re only doing secondary or (this happened to us actually) one may have special needs that renders them unsuitable for private education. You really cannot expect that other circumstances won’t occur, we certainly never thought there would be this level of disparity between our two but here we are.

It’s a gamble, but you have to be willing to accept that if they are both inclined and capable you will have to offer a both or neither approach. If that’s not possible then don’t have more!

I think the benefits of private school from an academic standpoint only come into their own as children reach secondary school. I would wait and send both to good state schools until age 11 (start of secondary) or even 14 (start of GCSEs). Presumably that would cost the same or even less than sending one for his / her entire schooling.

I'm not a fan in general of private education and am glad I was able to go to a good state school. The exception to what the OP argues for me would be if one child had special needs which the local state schools could not cater for adequately. Not right, but unlikely to change soon in some cases.

I think it’s unfair to plan it but sometimes events mean that a particular school is right for that child. Know two families where the second child struggled with friendships / mental health etc so was moved to private early secondary. The older siblings in both cases are cheerful lovely girls who were happy at their perfectly decent comps and didn’t want to move themselves, Neither older girl is resentful as they witnessed the reasoning for their sibling needing the money spent on them.

Everything else aside, the resentment this could cause between the siblings could be catastrophic to their relationship

“For boys it’s all about the sport”

This is one of the most stereotypical things I have read in a while

😳

Mine both went to state primary. DD1 (very academic) went to a comprehensive and did brilliantly. DD2 (less academic) went to a private school and did well. DD1 left school at 16 and went to vocational school, which we in part paid for. Did not go to university but went to work in her vocation. DD2 left private school at 16 and went to a comprehensive for sixth form. Did well. Got a first at university. Both sisters are very close.

This

IMHO YABU to consider private school at all.

The most important lesson a child can learn is that we all come from different walks of life and there’s a lot to be learned from each of us.

Schooling is what shapes a child and segregated schooling is to the detriment of children mixing freely in society. If it’s segregated by wealth, kids grow up elitist and have little grasp of what life’s like for ordinary people.

I see the results. I’ve worked with many people who went to private school. Some don’t even realise their own privilege or that they’re not ordinary, because everyone they know went to private school. They have no idea they’re a tiny minority (6%) of the population. It shows in their decision-making.

I agree with this however the expense of uniform, trips, holidays and tech is not confined to private schools especially if your dc are at a leafy state school!

I voted YANBU because theoretically it’s unfair, however it largely depends on the individual child. Many of the people I know have switched their children to private in response to their individual child’s learning abilities or mental health and ability to integrate socially at state.

Anecdotally I agree. Dd is at state most of her best friends are at private dd will say to me that some of them though absolutely lovely girls don’t have a flipping clue. They are in a bubble. Dd knows how privileged she is because she is friends at school with girls that are really not. The private school girls just don’t meet those girls at all.

It depends I did disagree but I have a friend whose son is really into rugby an excellent player - he is going to private school. Her DD is an amazing dancer and is at state and will go to specialist state dance school. I don't see how that's bad.

I agree with children being different.
My OH has two brothers, they are all close in age.
Their father wanted them all to go to private boarding school, but the oldest refused and went to a local comprehensive.
Of the three the brother at comprehensive had a far more enjoyable experience and gained the best exam results.
My OH faired the worst and endured experiences that haunt him to this day.

I have one in private and one in state school
works for us and both kids are happy

equal doesn’t always mean the same.

There's nothing wrong with that as both kids are taking the path that is important to their interests. That's quite different to being told, "We can only afford one and we have chosen x."

It would interesting to know how you would pick who would go to private school. You have a daughter, but if you subsequently had a son would your DH suddenly think it was more important that your son went to private school?
What if you put your first in private and then they didn't turn out to be very clever but the younger one was (or vice versa) but you put one in private? Which would you pick and at what point?