To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

It’s one thing to send children down different paths based on their own specific needs once they’re here and you know them and their situations, they can input to decisions etc. It’s quite another to actively choose to have a second child knowing you won’t be able to afford to treat it the same was as you are adamant you will treat your existing child - basically planning to disadvantage the younger child and favour the older one prior to conception 😳 Sorry but that’s just cruel.

Exactly.

If the requirements are that a child goes to private school. then the calculation is that you can't afford a 2nd (surely).

In reality private may not be the magic fixer you think but that's not the point.

Can you really afford it for one given that the cost will more than double between reception and y13?

Hmm

I went to private school for a year to get away from bullies (and 5 secondary schools in total). I was in y9 then, bro y6. I then had to leave after a year as we weren't sure if my dad would be made redundant. We both went to the same state school for 2y (7-8 and 9-10).

Wasn't really aimed at people wanting to achieve highly, they refused to put me in top set as I didn't do sats in y9, I asked to do higher maths, we were told "anyone in this school would be happy with a d so so should you be" ... got a tutor, did higher maths. Got 9a* 9a 1b (self taught in 4wks)

So yeah if you're clever and hard working you can achieve anywhere I agree

At that point I told my parents they had to remove my brother from the school as he wouldn't get there if he stayed as wasn't being pushed and he tried to fit in by doing the stupid things he was dared to do like setting off fire alarms and getting put in isolation for disruption. He did y9-11 in a grammar school till he got thrown out at gcses.

I didnt remotely resent it to be honest and i told them to do it so he didnt ruin his life entirely. Schools are so variable its hard to make generalisations but I wouldnt set out to send one to private and one to state i dont think thats fair

Tbh the private education was far inferior to my grammar school 6th form anyway

Is one dc male by any chance then you said dd, so guessing one is female? You said you want another then mentioned a dd? Do you have 2 kids already?

Completely wrong to treat kids differently in the primary years. By the secondary school you ideally need to put them into the right schools for them, but not at the expense of the other so id only go private for one if they were struggling, not "for an excellent career opportunity" anyway a good education means nothing, I know plenty of examples of excellent educations that have been completely wasted!

Agree with @24252627a

If private school is so important to him and your wages will not significantly rise. You should stick with 1 DC.

I do know quite a few people who have done this.

I guess in particular circumstances it might be good. Like if one DC had some special needs that meant the private school worked better for them, but the other DC didn't and didn't want to take the bus to school, but was happier walking to the local comp, that would be ok. As a blanket ok thing to do before the second child is born though, please don't have a second child!

Agree with this. I think this is more about social status than quality a d type of education. Meeting the ‘right’ type of people, and a belief that it will lead to a ‘good’ job. In reality, that’s not how it works any more and being in a private school can actually put you at a disadvantage when applying for universities and jobs.

Mine went to independent secondary school, as they were at a nice small primary and I haven't ever seen the point of primary stage independent fees. If anything the kids we know who went to pre-prep, prep then senior etc just came out in a bit of a bubble and didn't have any friends outside of independent school circle.

The value added in my experience increases as they get older. By 6th form, it's a big impact to go to independent over state.

It's nothing to do with grades or academic ability IMO. Not all independent schools are selective, and as others have said you can get great teachers and top grades in state schools. It's about everything else - the enrichment, talks, trips, events, who they meet and who they're friends with, how they speak. It's social capital which then gives them advantages in life. (It's totally unfair of course).

Kids aren't made fun of for being clever, not wanting to vape, enrolling on D of E etc. They can safely be boring, no make up, no drinking etc if they want to. If they have a particular talent, they can pursue that to a much higher standard and have the opportunity to share/compete with experts inside and outside the school because of the connections they have.

That's why we paid for it and why we think it was worth it.

In your situation I'd choose a state primary carefully, look after how your DD goes through school and how she talks, sign her up for hobbies etc, and start saving now for DD and DC2 fees for senior school.

I absolutely would not consider sending one child and not another, because of all the advantages above. I've seen it with cousins, their paths just diverge and it's stark.

Might be worth adding my personal and professional experience here for you @MrsMust

I was a secondary school teacher- in both the independent and state sector. I also did some special needs support in primary schools. (I was teaching for a very long time!)

My 'advice' is you make a decision based on the schools in your area and if possible move to where there are excellent state schools.
Independent doesn't always equate to better. It depends on the child and what they need.

In my experience, very bright kids tend to do okay wherever. It's the ones in the middle (who are 'average' ) who may get that extra push and benefit from smaller classes to get the grades they need for uni etc.

I taught in a reputable independent secondary school. There was a mix of students- many from overseas who boarded. Others were local and their parents had chosen a small indie school rather than a larger middle of the road state school. Many were just managing to pay the fees.

Where I live now- and did when my own kids were at school- there are two excellent state secondary schools- ranked 'Outstanding'.
House prices reflect the catchment area.

My kids went to those schools and then to Russell Group unis, getting good degrees including a Masters. We 'topped ' up their A levels with private tutors where they needed a bit of help.

Like you we could have funded one indie school but not two.

Wait for both your children to turn 10 years and let them sit entry exams for private schools. They may not both get into the top private schools that are worth the money.

just paying for ‘any’ private school isn’t worth it IMO. Better move into catchment of a great state secondary at some point?

Kids aren't made fun of for being clever, not wanting to vape, enrolling on D of E etc. They can safely be boring, no make up, no drinking etc if they want to. If they have a particular talent, they can pursue that to a much higher standard and have the opportunity to share/compete with experts inside and outside the school because of the connections they have.

I think that's a very narrow view of independent schools.

The one I taught in which was also a boarding school, had students who were extremely sophisticated because of their parents' lifestyles (many were actors and some were household names) - and were more than capable of smoking, drinking and getting up to all sorts!

None was made fun of however and the D of E was a given expectation.

My ILs offered to pay our DS to go private but not our DD
We said no thanks

My parents sent my brother and I to different schools, him private and me a not great state. We had different childhoods and opportunities. He suffered for not being as well off as some of his classmates, I suffered from attending a school that was severly underfunded and badly managed and was in special measures by the time I left.

Ultimately though we ended up at similar universities and I'm now the higher earner by some margin.

My parents reasoning for sending us to different schools was that I was bright and would do well any where but I would have loved some of the opportunities that school gave my brother in terms of teaching and extra curriculum. It did affect our relationship and I'm still a bit bitter.

Why not move to a house near an excellent state school, spend the money you would’ve spent on private education on a bigger mortgage / stamp duty, and allow both children to benefit from a great education?

Private does not alway equal better. My local primary and secondary schools are both outstanding schools. There are two private schools in the town, people send their kids there for various reasons, which include they couldn’t get their child in to their preferred school, they wanted smaller class sizes or the wrap around care was better.
unless there was a reason (ie one child was being bullied etc) I wouldn’t be sending one child to private and the other to state.

For what it's worth. I went to a state secondary school but my younger brother and sister both went to private secondary schools. It never bothered me. I was happy where I was.

I have this situation where I have one child at state school and one at private school. I wanted both to go to the private school. Oldest child was dead set against it. As it is, I now have each child in the right school for them. I would not however have contemplated private school at all if I couldn't have financed it for both. I think you are asking for sibling resentment if one gets the opportunity and one doesn't. For what it is worth, I wasn't in the financial position to do it until the oldest was starting S1 so could that be an option for you? State for primary and private for both for secondary? You would then have 8 years of tuition but only have 3-4 years of having to pay double fees for tuition. It's hard going and sacrifices will need to be made re big houses, new cars, holidays etc. Alternative move to a different area with better state schools therefore acquiring both a house and securing your child’s education. Good luck x

In my experience by the time you get to 6th form the tossers have left anyway, so there isn’t any issues with D of E or Vaping. I can see how that would be an issue in years 10 and 11 though.

He might feel different if it wasn't a hypothetical second child. It sounds like at the moment he can see DD and wants the best for her. He might then see DD2 and also want the best for her as well and realise that the best for the whole family might be something different than he thought?

If private school is non negotiable for him, he would be better off only having one as there is no way he'd really think another child can just go anywhere.

(I think you currently only have one but may have misunderstood)

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career).

This is a very silly thing to say.
You have no idea of your child's intelligence at the moment.
They may be academic or not.

If you child isn't academic, your husband is going to be very disappointed in them. And he sounds a if he's going to put huge pressure on them.

I used to find the same attitude among some parents when I was teaching. They expected me to work miracles with students who were, at best, average. No amount of teaching can make a child into a A grade student if they don't have the ability.

Research into the value of private schools suggests the two main advantages are the smaller class sizes and the extra-curricular / networking opportunities they provide. With that in mind, I'd use your money to pay for tutors where needed and to join clubs or do act that will create those opportunities in other ways.

Wise words.
And is true for many areas of child raising.

One christmas I gave my children what they most wanted- one was a games console, the other a hamster, cage and toys.
Both children were beyond happy.
The cost - in terms of any unfairness- was not a factor.

Your DH is nuts. If you send one to private then you must have the money to send the other if that’s where they want to go!

We had a mix of private and public but it was based on each child’s best fit and choice. We only forced one (we knew a specific private would be much better for them based on their SEN), the rest it didn’t matter so they got to choose, and some chose private and some public, and then at different points some swapped over each way (their request/choice). We also made clear that it was not a case of picking a public school by choice and expecting us to hand them the difference in cost! That’s not on so they knew that when choosing what they wanted.

If you have one in private you MUST have the means for any others to also go private if that’s their wish at any point during their education.

"...we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc...."

... Now your daughter is NOT to go to private school as you wouldn't be able to afford it but you can for the son...

Is there a pattern here OP? Is this what you want for your daughter to see and learn?