To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

At this point in time, you have no idea if a private or state school will be better for your child, as they're way too young. You need to enroll your child into the school that is going to suit their learning, regardless if state or private. However, if you send your eldest to a private school, who thrives - what happens if your second child would also thrive better in a private school?! In this instance because you can't afford to fund both, your youngest would have no choice to attend a state school, thus missing out on a better suited education. You could be lucky, as some other posters have commented, that the second child, thrived better at a state school. That's lucky more than planning though, isn't it! In theory you'd expect a child to achieve better grades at a private school, but it doesn't always equate. I know 2 people who went to grammar school, achieved really good grades, but employment wise, they've achieved very little, compared to those who achieved average grades at a state school. Personally, I wouldn't be offering to 1 child, what I couldn't offer to 2 children (or more).

There are exceptions, but having seen all the “extra”‘costs that come with private school that my friends have had to pay, I would only send my children if I could more than comfortably afford to send all my children and have money to spare for the extras and fee increases. I would not put myself in a position of having to “scrimp and save” even for one child, as it seems their fees are only going up at the moment and I would be concerned about being outpriced.

Hopefully the years of both in state school would allow to save up and send both to independents?
Tricky decision. If not, don’t send either to independent? Plenty are in this situation and with no way of accessing fee paying schools. Look at other options like home schooling or obtaining ECHP with named school. Neither of these are easy to do. Home schooling has developed way beyond mum/dad sitting around the dining table. Lots of small tutor groups, meet ups and online lessons. Cheaper than private for 2 kids and you can work a part-time job around it.

yeah I was asking the qiestion to a poster who said no private for one and not the other unless there was a problem which only private schooling could fix....which, as I said, is fine unless the problem affects both children.

Why do you think private schools can 'fix' all problems?

It doesn't work like that! (Having taught in private schools.)

It depends what the problems are. Private tutors after school can often fill the gaps.

Also many private schools do limit the numbers of pupils with special needs- they don't accept everyone.

My brother went to private school from year 2, he wasn't thriving in a state school. He had a huge scholarship and bursary.

Dsis and I went to local schools. We didn't feel any sense of inequality, not least because my brother was boarding and we were at home!

I wanted to go to a private school for sixth form, but didn't get enough of a scholarship to make it affordable. Again, I didn't feel a sense of injustice at my state school was fine.

In the end my brother left private education and went to a state school for his GCSEs, where he was much happier.

Being honest, many private schools don't want to fill their places with children who have 'problems'. I know this because a parent I know wanted to move their children from state to private. The headteacher wasn't too keen because they had their quota of pupils with special needs and didn't want to be 'that' school - full of pupils with special needs.

My own children have done better than some children I know who had a private education. Some state schools are excellent. Some private schools are mediocre.

Regardless of the school your child has to have the intelligence and motivation to work hard and succeed at exams. Not all children have these and all the money in the world can't change their innate ability.

My younger sister went to private school. Me and my older sister did not. My parents couldn't afford to at the time but had enough when it was her turn (she is three years younger than me).
The state schools were very good near us and I don't know the reasoning why they sent her. It was a new private school with no track record.
But we didn't resent it or anything. It didn't affect our university choices or subsequent careers.
I think if the state schools were poor near me then I might resent it if my older sibling got a much better education and opportunity than me.

100%!

I DON"T my comment was aimed at another poster please read back

My husband went to private school and his sibling didn’t. DH got a full scholarship and bursary, which is the only way his family afforded it. I think it has had enormous repercussions for their whole family dynamic. Early on it created a scenario where the younger sibling feels less than and hard done by and resentful to DH about it. MIL I think feels massively guilty and has tried to compensate ever since. To me, it often looks like my DH gets ‘blamed’ for the whole situation, even though he wasn’t old enough for it to have been his decision to make (but I might be a bit biased on that one!) And all of this was in a scenario where the funding for private education didn’t even come from the parents. In my experience, I would definitely agree that if you can’t afford for both, then you shouldn’t do it for either

Going to a private school doesn’t necessarily result in an excellent career 😂

I read an article in the Times from someone in their 30s whose sibling had the chance they didn't. It fractured the family. I'd only do it if one child had a scholarship that covered most of the cost and you were topping up, if one had finished school, then you came into money or possibly if one was SEN and needed a specialist school you couldn't get on the state. To choose one child over another would be awful.
My family all went private and it served us well, but occasionally, I look up my year group in my house and a fair few have done very little with the opportunity.

I agree, unless it is very obvious one would benefit much more. I've friends with 3, 2 went private and 1 didn't ... first two were 'brain boxes'.

Its funny in threads like this how half the posters are coping with the "private schools arent necessarily better" nonsense jjust because they cant afford it.

In contrast, literally every thread on mumsnet about state schools (particulalry those where teachers are posting) makes clear that the state sector is completely broken with huge class sizes, hordes of badly behaved kids disrupting classes, misguided inclusion policies with SEN kids without support having regular meltdown in classes, the impossibility of expelling kids no matter what levels of violence/bullying they engage in, teachers basically ignoring all the kids in the class except the ones at the bottom, etc etc.

Of course private is a lot better lol

WTAF have I just read.

If you only have one child, and you want to effectively spend every penny on that one child, then surely you stop at one child?

And yes I would stop at one child to be able to privately educate, 100%.

But I would never have 2 and only privately educate one. That’s madness.

Saying all state schools are like that is like saying all private schools are perfect. The reality is that most state and private are somewhere in between

The state school my kids went to, one is still there the behaviour overall is fine. Not perfect and there’s too much answering back and low level rudeness but there’s absolutely no violence or throwing things whatsoever at any times.

The teaching varies from fine to truly outstanding and 60% of GCSE results are 7-9, kids getting at least 5 GCSE’s at 5-9 is about 85%with a good 25% of the year group getting a straight run of 8-9

other state schools will be similar and some will be dire. Same with private.

Its not the same at all though, because independent schools are directly answerable to parents and have very direct incentives to ensure that all children are receiving a high standard of education (otherwise parents will stop paying fees).

State schools have no direct incentives to care about parents (or indeed, most children). Thats why they are perfectly fine with ignoring half the kids in the class and focusing only on a small number, because if parents withdraw their kids then who cares really?

Turns out when you have direct accountability, there an incentive for good performance. Thats Econ 101

(I saw "direct" accountability because state schools obviously have very very indirect accountability through OFTED, but that very different to being accountable to the actual parents/children in the school)

I have a dd15 in private school. She has AuDHD so private gave her what she needed.

If I had a sporty, NT kid I would have sent them to the local state school.

My neighbours had one in private and one in state because one is dyslexic and SEN provision in state near me is shite.

My point is you pick the right school for the child, so no I don't think sending one and not the other is bad necessarily.

Also with state schools you are completely rolling the dice. Maybe your kids got lucky and there were no highly disruptive children in the same class with your kids. But thas all it is -- luck. If there were any such children then the state school would have very little ability to actually do anything about it (particularly if they had "SEN"), since expulsion/discipline/etc is mostly impossible in the state sector.

In contrast, private schools tend to be quite pro-active about getting rid of pupils who are disruptive and negatively impacting everyone else. Thats another thing that comes with the direct accountability.

Hmmm. One child had a scholarship to a Private prep school. The brother at the same age they took the entrance exam couldn't read Why would you deny one child sn opportunity simply be cause the other isn't capable of it?

He's being ridiculous. If you can't afford to do something for all your kids, then you don't do it for any.
How does he think dc2 would feel? And how would he justify this to them?

My mum was sent to a local grammar. Her brothers - one younger, one older - both went to private boarding schools. She was as academically gifted as they were. She never understood why. Generously, maybe my grandparents realised her personality was not conducive to a happy life at boarding school (v insecure), but it was most probably sexism. Her brothers went on to have massively successful careers and she was a v late bloomer. It has made me determined never to do the same to my children.

It sounds like your dh would be happier with one dc.