To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

But that isn't the issue here. OP is purely coming from a financial point of view. They don't think they can afford to privately educate two children.

I would start them in a state primary and see how it goes. If one then needs private because they're finding it difficult in the state system, then make the decision. There is no way I could send one kid to private and one to state without any really good cause. People send kids to private schools for all sorts of reasons - I have friends who have sent their kids because of SEN, bullying in the local comp etc - but the vast majority send kids because it can give them a leg up for all the reasons stated on this thread. I don't know how anyone can sleep well knowing that they have given one of their kids this opportunity from the outset and not the other.

On a side note, my kids have been through the state system in 'needs improving' to 'outstanding' schools but always with good progress 8. Both have done really well, one in a highly ranked uni and the other with an offer to Cambridge. Generally speaking, I've seen no big difference in academic attainment between my kids in state and my other kids in academic private schools. The biggest predictors I've seen are results in SATS in primary school and then the kid having a stable, supportive home life.

Maybe don’t have another child if that’s his view?

I could understand sending a child who really struggled to private school to try to get them through exams etc whilst keeping one who was bright enough to do well anywhere in state. It would cause resentment but I’d get it. I wouldn’t get it the other way around!

I would just have one child if it's important that your child goes to a private school at the secondary stage. Send them to a good local primary school before this. Private education is expensive. Also when you have a child depending on their personality, abilities, intelligence and what they are like socially you can see what type of school would suit them.

One family I know have kids and they planned for them to go boarding school at secondary age. Child one bright in school, sociable, out going and they went to boarding school. They liked it here, made plenty of friends and got good results for a prestigious university degree.
Child 2 then was diagnosed on the autism spectrum after several years of various signs that they were not nuro typical. This child would not have coped in a boarding school and they did not want to go. They went to a local good secondary school but the parents spent money on helping them with grinds and developing the interests they had. This child thrived in the local secondary school and was happy moving away to university.

no but its not right to make that decision on principle even before child 2 is born.

Still addresses the many people who are saying they'd not send one child ( for whatever reason) if they couldn't send the others

Hello, thank you all so much for your replies. Lots of advice and all really insightful. DH and I have been reading through them and it's convinced DH he is wrong.

As some of you said, it could be better to find an outstanding state primary and save hard for private secondary or move to catchment area for a grammar school - all contingent on, of course, needs of DC. So we are now thinking more along the lines of this.

Thank you again everyone x

What do you mean by private?

Small independent which suits one child (maybe with super pastoral support) and another going to an outstanding state school or grammar?
Sending one to one of the big famous public schools which has huge grounds and facilities and the other to s state school is a significantly different situation.
But personally I would always aim to give DS the same opportunities. One may go to a better selective grammar than the other but both will get the same support the 11+. Both will get offered clubs but not necessarily the same ones.

By private schools DH means looking at those schools that statistically have students go on to Oxbridge. His logic is they will go on to have successful careers.

DH went to a very very bad local state school and was their only student in history to go to Oxford and he has seen the benefits it can offer and wants the same for DC. (You could argue he hasn't been that successful if we can't afford private school for more than one DC but I think considering DH's background he has done very well. He has had a previous/expensive divorce, bought his parents a house and they are dependent on him etc etc so maybe in another world the same salary would fund 2xDC at private school)

Oxbridge will not necessarily serve your kids well. I say that as someone who has been to both. A good school will though.

I agree it would be unfair. Massive possibility for resentment. Send both to state and spend the money equally on extracurricular opportunities and university imho. Or spend it on relocating to the catchment of a great state school.

I have 3 DC.
the first at private school with a scholarship and bursary.
the second at a very good state school. He didn’t get into the private school and didn’t really want to go (not as academic). There are private schools where he would’ve got in (lower academic standards) but he wasn’t bothered.
the older child is happy at his private school and understands there’s no extra money for school ski trips etc
the second child loves the school ski trip and is happy he gets to go.
neither child expects a fair share of money because it’s impossible to evaluate if fees are taken into account. But the older one understands he must sacrifice trips.

youngest is still at primary school. No idea what he wants to do for secondary.

How about state primary, private secondary? Then at least both kids could go if you start saving now.

This happened in my cousins’ family - they had 5 children and sent the youngest 2 to an independent school. They are now all in their 40s/50s but the resentment from the older 3 has never gone away. There are snide comments whenever school comes up in conversation and they blame everything that is wrong with their lives on this. Don’t do it!

I sent one to private school and the other to state. I was only worried about meeting their individual needs which the schools we chose did.

My dmum is very open that the money had run out by the time I came along. While my siblings and I went to the same school, they got the extra curricular stuff paid for (even got given a car outright for their first car, when I had to pay for mine by myself). The life outcomes have been similar in many was, but it does niggle at me tbh. This was a lifelong thing of sibling getting special things that I dont get an equivalent of, despite being told they try and make things as equal as possible

All my children are different and three of them went to private schools at one stage or another. The most successful is the one who went all the way through the state system.

We have DD1 in private because she has SEN and the local state told us not to send her to them as they had no resources (she doesn’t get an EHCP in our LA)
DD2 goes to state.
Both schools excellent but suit their individual needs.
I never understand this obsession with sending siblings to sane school either. Different children suit different schools.

My parents couldn't afford private school for me so I went to state. My sister being quite a few years younger than me, my family were in a better financial situation by the time she was attending secondary - she was sent to private. I didn't and still don't hold a grudge about it as I had an excellent education in my state school and it didn't impede me whatever, still went to a Russell Group uni; my sister also ended up at a (different) Russell Group uni. We've both ended up on our feet with decent jobs, but I know my parents still feel guilt over the difference in education we had. My mum offered to pay towards my wedding to "even things out" but I told her that was silly.

Meanwhile my DH was offered the chance to go private because his grandad was a wealthy, misogynistic arse; he didn't offer to pay for DH's older sister. DH's mum refused the offer (it was her dad).

If he's twitching about it now, I'd certainly say that there's very little a private primary would offer that goes over & above a decent state primary. So get DC1 into your local state while they learn to read & write & play well with kids from all walks of life....and then you can assess whether to start either of them in private once the (currently still theoretical?) second child can at least talk!

I agree with you, both should be treated equally as resentment between the children could affect your whole lives. You can use your money for musical instrument tuition and academic subject tuition to give them support to succeed.

I think it all depends on where they would prefer to go. One may love it, another hate it. Finding the most suitable educational establishment is most important, eg if SEN, friends, talents, comfort zones etc. It's not black and white, you don't just force your DC to go to a school you and they know they won't enjoy so no, it's about doing the same for all IMHO.xx

"And the idea that private must mean a better education is unfounded nonsense." That's very true! If your child has SEND problems, or needs a quiet environment, or is just too emotionally immature to cope with a large busy secondary school, go for small and private. But for normally resilient children of average to good ability, don't waste your money!

But you currently only have one child so this isn’t an issue. If and when you have more children it will then become an issue.
I think the priority should be that the school is the right fit for the child and not whether it’s fee paying or not.
Fast forward 20 years: you’ve sent your first born to private school, they have excelled both inside and outside the classroom. Your second child goes to state school and hates it, does not excel and has spent all their school life feeling jealous of their older sibling and resenting their parents (ie you).

Tread carefully, I wouldn’t do it.

Excellent school does not equal excellent career. I know plenty of people who went to top schools and are pretty useless and underachieving. Of course lots have turned out brilliantly and chief a lot too. I honestly think it’s up to the individual and you can’t count on a certain outcome.

I would absolutely treat both children equally.