To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

[MrsMust]

DH and I disagree on this point.
We do not make enough to send more than one DC to private school. Our financial situation is unlikely to improve very much over the next decade (DH is roughly at the top of the ladder in his career, we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc and our mortgage have another 30 odd years).
We have one DC (currently toddler) but would like one more DC.

I think both DC should have equal treatment and either both go to state school or both go to private school. I think it would ruin nice family dynamics, cause resentment between siblings and parents etc

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career). Even if that means that it happens for one DC only because we don't have the extra money for two DC in private education. He made it sound like I am nuts for wanting to give DD anything less than what we can afford.

My brothers were sent to private school and I was deemed not clever enough so went to state . I got a degree and two postgrad quals and do feel my education was more rounded and made me a better person but by god it still hurts and impacted our family dynamics as my brothers thought they were so much better

My parents sent my sister to private school because she was very bright, but struggled socially in state school. I was only a bit above average but fine socially. It didn't cause any issues as such. But looking back it does sting a bit that they viewed her education as a worthwhile investment and mine not so much. It contributed to me not trying very hard at school. I still got good grades. Ironically higher than my sisters. Basically private school did her no favours and the preferential treatment did me no favours.

I would have a significant gap - 4/5 years so not much overlap and send both for secondary only if you can't afford 2 sets if fees at same time, that gives you time to save up.

My brother went to private secondary, I was offered private secondary and got an to a highly selective school, but declined the place, and went to a very average state and got much higher grades and earn much more now than my brother who went to private. But he loved all the sports opportunities in his private school and it suited him much better than state due to his personality.

But you need to be able to offer optionro both

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest, have the other baby you want and choose schools in a couple of years when it becomes relevant.

For what it's worth I have three DC, one in private primary because the small class sizes are what he needs, it's the right place for him. The other two are at state schools, one primary, one state grammar, both enjoying their free education and both thriving.

My eldest is only in Yr 7 so we'll see, but I would be surprised if he didn't get good results, go to a decent university and get a good job. He's great at maths and wants to be an accountant. We've never paid for his education. Private doesn't necessarily mean better, it depends on what suits the child.

I have children in both, but they key difference is that they have all.been offered private. It's kind of evolved like this as.my default would.be state for all. They are all happy and doing well. I would never decide to.just do private for one if I couldn't offer it to all of them.

Yanbu, I would never do this

I think it’s fine to send one child to private school and not your others in some circumstances. I have a colleague who had a son with SEN who wasn’t coping in mainstream so she moved him to a private school but couldn’t afford to send her other two so they stayed in state where they were both doing fine. Some children might not want to go to private school or it might be a state school can better meet their needs or interests than private. I don’t think just because you are sending one child you have to send any others, but I think that decision should be based on what is in the best interests of each child, not just because you can only afford it for the eldest and so they’re the only one who will have the opportunity. If you can’t afford it for both children it would be better to send neither and spend the money on clubs, activities, tutors etc as and if needed or to send both to state primary and save so you can afford secondary for both. Or if private education is really important to you just don’t have a second child!

It’s as well to remember that private schools are not all the same. Some will have rigorous selection procedures. Others will accept just about anybody whose parents are willing to pay the fees.

It depends how good the private schools are. If you are talking getting into a Top 50 school, yes go for it. Chances are they wouldn't all get in - they are highly competitive. If you only get one through the exams, you've done all you can.
If you are talking private schools lower down the ranking, don't bother. They are really not worth it, just for the sake of having been to private school.

Depending on where you are, there may be plenty of great state schools too.
I think in the sixth form a great state school can beat even a great private school as preparation for uni.
I think it's only worth paying for the academic side. All those great facilities - yes it's lovely to have, but not vital. If your kids are anything other than perfectly standard kids, some state schools will be better anyway.

We did do this. One son was very keen to push himself to the max academically and pushed us to apply for a scholarship- he did get a small amount, but it was only small. The other less keen to go though we did discuss the same route. The inequality has come up from time to time TBH, but on balance I think it was the right thing.

I went to private because I got through the exams and my siblings didn't. One sibling has been extremely successful without it. The other probably would have benefited from the greater confidence that a private school could have afforded her, but it's complicated. They are aware that I had a better academic start and may have been quietly resentful, but only ever made it clear in a jokey way after a few drinks at Christmas. I certainly was not the favourite child though so there's always that come back.

HT at primary school recommended that DS went to private school. DD was already at her own choice of school - a selective grammar highly regarded then and now. However, at the other end of their education, we paid for DDs MA which rather evened out the spending. We have asked DD and she bears no grudge about not going to private school and feels they each went to the school best suited to them. Equal opportunities doesn’t necessarily mean treating everyone the same.

As a general rule, no.

But we live in a grammar school area (with a very, very well regarded grammar and fairly mediocre other schools), and I've always thought that I'd one gets in, and the other doesn't, that I'd contemplate private for them to try to give them a more equal experience.

As it is, one is extremely bright but very dyslexic, do I'm not sure where that leaves her, and the other has health conditions and disabilities which mean I haven't a clue where they'll go any more. Main thing is that they are happy I guess.

I don't like the inequality that private schools being to education, but bluntly, I'm more interested in making sure things are equal between me children first. Equality of opportunity doesn't always mean equal amounts of money spent on them.

Many posters are talking about a decision to send one kid private because they have specific needs or because they didn’t get into the great state school their sibling is in.

The OP is talking about deciding in advance of a child actually being born that they will only educate one child privately.

That is very different.

I think if you have 2 'average' DC, to send one to private school and not the other would be grossly unfair.

HOWEVER, there are circumstances where I would consider putting one in private and one not :
SEN - where your local state schools cannot cater to your DC's needs yet they are not eligible to go to a SEN school
GIFTED - if one of your DC is exceptionally brilliant at something - academics or sport or music or dance or art............ If they are exceptional they would probably get a bursary or scholarship

I would advise against this. I know 3 families where 1 child went private and the other(s) didn’t. In all three cases the privately educated child got better results and has a higher paid job now. The sibling relationships are strained or non existent and there are huge levels of resentment even years later. It’s very sad to see.

The statistics show that far more boys go to private schools and girls and have done forever.

If private school is that important to him, then I’d suggest sticking with one child.
i have 2. I could comfortably afford to send one, but it’s too much of a financial stretch to send both, so I’ve kept them in state.

Just send them to the school that suits them? It sounds really like it would be a “fairer” share of resources if you earned a bit more rather than losing money to stay home.

Treating them the same doesn't take account of individual children's needs. Would you put equality over need?

The OP doesn't even have a second child yet so it's all hypothetical but if you have two or more very different children surely you decide based on circumstance not a pre determined basis.

This happened in my family. My older brother went private, my younger brother and me were state educated. I never felt resentment, the private school just seemed full of stuck-up rich kids to me as a child! Teachers vary everywhere, I had some great ones, the private school clearly had some old duffers. The school experience wasn't perfect for my brother.

My younger brother did resent the difference. He brought it up at some family event and my mum was very upset. As others have said private education is absolutely not a guarantee of anything. My older brother dropped out of university, while me and younger brother got good degrees in subjects we loved. I think it's much smarter to spend money on tutors, if needed, and I'd spend the cash savings on wonderful family holidays that will bring great memories.

Which tend to be independent schools, smaller classes, better facilities and generally better behaved children! It’s a no brainier if you can afford private education!

Ah so you agree that there is probably inherent sexism in choosing who goes

I felt like your husband and we sent all children to private school. They thrived and have done very, very well. But it cost a fortune and it nearly bankrupted us. If you do decide to send them think about waiting until they are high school age. By then they will be able to discuss where they feel is best for them too. I have no idea of course if they would have done so well in state education, one I suspect not because of a multitude of factors but I won't ever know.

Decent state school are like hens teeth! They’re practically impossible to get into unless you literally live in the doorstep! If they can afford private education absolutely go for it. Smaller classes, generally better facilities and better behaved children! My siblings both went to the local grammar schools as much brighter than me. I was offered our local sink school for secondary education fortunately my parents decided to send me to an independent school, guess what I far exceeded both my siblings despite starting secondary education as being classed as slightly below average!