To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

If the stuff doesn't appear back tomorrow, I'd be telling her. Tell your husband this is what will happen. And sadly she'll need a lock for her bedroom door and to keep her things in there. Which is not fair. Does your husband really think this is ok?

Lifted as in picked them up in a bag of other things? Does she even realise they are in the bag?

Return the stuff and you'll think about it.

Then get a bairn a lock for her door.

Kids steal when they're not getting an emotional need met. It's time for a chat with the step daughter.

Lifted as in taken. Some items removed from a box.

Your dd should be able to trust the people she lives with and I would incandescent about this. I would want them returned with an apology and a promise that her stuff would be sacred and never touched.

Their relationship sounds bad.
Are either of them happy?

Returned, and anonymity is assured.

Following that the step daughter needs help, as do you all. There is a lot more going on here than taken items.

@Screamingabdabz
They are only living together because their parents have blended’ them.
Not out of choice.

Returned and apologised as a minimum.

Your daughter has a right to feel her stuff is secure at home. I can't imagine "oh look, it magically reappeared" is going to cut it, she's not daft.

Refusing to say what happened to her Christmas presents and how they came to be unboxed will only make her think you and her stepfather are siding with the stepsister who stole from her.

I think your OH should take responsibility for the whole situation. He should talk to his dd, return the items and make sure that his dd apologises to your dd.

Not sure why you are saying lifted, it’s stolen. How are the girls parents dealing with this? Once she has given the stuff back she can apologise so DD will find out then

Are they being returned, and in the same condition?
Is StepSis sorry? Has she acknowledged she did anything wrong?

Absolutely tell her. Your partner needs to put serious consequences in place here

Thanks this is pretty much how I feel about it. I think he is very concerned on where their relationship will go from.here but I see that as a separate thing.

Apologies for the word 'lifted'. It's a slang word for stolen where I'm from!
Mum keeping out of it. Dad is planning on having a word with her.

Does your DH want them to relate to each-other as siblings or as polite acquaintances? If the former, then occasional arguments are par for the course, and his DD has just triggered one. So return with apology has to be the starting point, and she can expect her step sister to get cross about it. Otherwise, how does your DH propose to explain the sudden return of these gifts without gaslighting your DD into thinking she just hadn't looked for them properly?

Her daughter is a thief and she’s “keeping out of it”?
Her dad is “having a word”?
Fuck me. Your daughter is going to be majorly resentful. And I don’t blame her.

They both ought to be mortified. The fact the mum won’t get involved and the dad is wanting to keep this secret makes me think perhaps she’s allowed to get away with murder with little to no consequence.
Your partner needs to come down hard!

Whilst I agree with the principle that the items should be returned with a serious apology, your DH/DP does have a good point about their relationship goign forwards. I have older teens and neither would want to know someone who did this to them. Regardless of apology.

So one parent opts out and the other will softly ‘have a word’ and then keep it a secret to protect her. No wonder she’s a tea leaf, nobody can be arsed parenting the poor kid.

I think there's clearly a lot of work to do on their relationship and how (un)happy they are sharing a home. However, covering up the theft isn't going to fix that.

Me too - I knew exactly what you meant!

This shouldn’t be a secret. She should be made to hand them back and apologise. Give DD a lock for her bedroom door, she needs a safe space and to know you have her back.

Your DH is wrong here, he should be more concerned with why his daughter is stealing from people rather than trying to hide it because of any fall out.

I see your point about what the truth would do to their relationship. If I did agree to not say anything and it then later came out that I knew and didn't tell my DD. Hiw would she ever trust me. I dint want to put the compromise on my corner when the wrongdoing is elsewhere.

I agree with your husband, I wouldn't tell her as long as you get the stuff back and an explanation and apology, maybe she's not happy or looking for attention or jealous of your daughter, doesn't make it okay to steal but what's the benefit of telling your daughter, they won't be able to move on it and very uuncomfortable in the long run. Do you get on well with the stepdaughter, does she feel comfortable in your house, just curious because something is wrong if shes stealing from you, hope you get it sorted x