To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

Your daughter's trust in you is far more important than her relationship with the thief. I agree their relationship won't be good for a long while but if one was stealing from the other was it that good to start with?

I don't see it as hes covering for his daughter because of the fall out, I see it as him hoping the two will get along and worried they won't if jer daughter knows. Hard to know wjat you'd do if you were in their shoes.

@SuperLiliac how did your partner find out they had been taken to her mums house??

How would your DP feel if someone had "lifted" something he valued, say his car, for several days?

What would he want the punishment to be then? Especially as it was found, rather than returned willingly; the thief didn't admit their crime.

Does he want his DC growing up they can steal without punishment? Does he not realise it's his role as a parent to teach them that's not acceptable 🤷‍♀️

Obviously, in this instance, it's likely that the thief is expressing displeasure of their step-sibling having something they want (more time with their dad potentially 🤔) how can that be resolved?

How old are both of the children? I think that would massively influence how I chose to proceed.

Yes you are right, my daughter's trust is most important to me. I have a good relationship with my sd and she has a great relationship with her dad. We will need to work out the root cause of the behaviour, which isn't immediately clear.

Dad asked mum if the items were at her house. Checked room and yes they were.

My dd 13 sd 14

Tell him that his daughter needs to learn not to steal and that you will not tolerate stealing from family. Either everything is returned and this never happens again or not only will you tell your daughter , next time you will tell the police. Theft is theft and who should he think its OK for his daughter to steal from yours like she is more important. Your daughter deserves to know. I hope he has discussed a punishment for his thieving daughter with you. I'm sure he would not be so quick not telling his own daughter had yours been the thief.

If your DD is 13, she's not going to believe the magic fairies returned her items is she? 🙄

I bet she already suspects SD of having stolen them; if you return them and DD looks you in the eye and says "where were they?" are you going to lie?

Can I ask why you moved two girls who clearly don't get on that well into a home together?

Dad takes your SD to her Mum's and retrieves the items, it's that simple really.

You can then decide how to "reveal" the re-appearance of your daughter's stolen Christmas gifts

In that case I’d definitely be sharing this with your daughter, given that at 14, and as the older of the 2, your step daughter needs to experience some consequences for her actions and to take accountability. I would of course be encouraging your daughter to respond with sympathy and understanding if she can and your step daughter is apologetic.

I'm struggling to follow your reasoning here. Your daughter has to be your priority. Much of the focus seems to be on protecting your step daughter and the best way to deal with her.
Your daughter has had her presents stolen which is upsetting. Get the stolen items back and let your SD face the consequences of her actions.
Supporting your daughter has to be your priority. Your husband seems to be prioritising his daughter at the expense of yours.

I mean, I wouldn’t make my daughter live with another child she didn’t get on well with and who steals from her, for a start.

But I personally wouldn’t even need to think about it, I’d give the other child the opportunity to come clean themselves and return the items but either way I would be telling my DD the truth.

She isn’t going to believe they just magically appeared after everyone looked for them. If mum lies to protect the other child, imagine how she will feel if/when she finds out.

OP does your stepdaughter live mainly with you, 50/50 or weekends? I'm assuming it's probably not as much as 50/50, and therefore she perhaps resents your DD having more time with her Dad than she does.

She should definitely NOT be allowed to get away with this, and should face your DD, and apologise. Obviously this is unlikely to heal things between them, but let's face it, most teen girls don't get on for long without a fall out, even if they are real sisters, so them not getting along has to be expected and dealt with I'm afraid.

I would tell DH that if the items aren’t returned immediately by SD with an apology, you will deal with it by telling SD you know she took the items and the word with her will come from you and will not be done privately. Then once it’s done it won’t be mentioned again. SD needs to own what she has done. Then give your DD the ability to lock her things up.
They are just kids, and kids do stupid stuff, but SD needs to understand there are consequences.

Your daughter already knows who took the gifts. She's hardly going to think it was you or your boyfriend. I'd be very concerned that he's trying to push you into lying to your child to protect his.

The most important thing is that your child knows she can trust you and you have her back, especially in a house with those other two.

Sd is mostly with mum. My dd is with me 100%, dad not around at all.

There is possibly some feelings around that which we can work through once we get to the trigger for this.

Your relationship with your dd is more important than her relationship with her step sister. Your DH needs to say in no uncertain terms that she was wrong and she must return the stuff and come clean immediately, if not you will be telling her. If my mum/dad didn't tell me this about either of my step sisters I would be really hurt and feel they weren't on my side

I am team daughter. Do you think the girls would prefer it if you lived separately?

Read the signals
The relationship between you and dp, that’s irredeemably broken
He lies,His daughter lies. His priorities aren’t you, he wants you to collude and lie
Honestly, call it quits, protect you and your daughter. Time to split up with him

Glad to hear your husband will talk to his daughter to resolve this. At 14 she needs to be clearly told that stealing is wrong and to give the gifts back.
Rather than give her a get out clause of, "are you feeling sad", separately start conversations about ideas for future days out, ask all DCs to contribute, see if she feels included.

The items have to be returned and your stepdaughter is going to have to apologize. No excuses.

Your husband wants you to lie to your daughter to spare his daughter embarrassment over stealing your daughter's gifts. Both he and his daughter have a lot of nerve.

Shit's going to hit the fan. But you can't put his daughter above yours.

Your daughter now needs a lock for her door. Your husband might have to check his daughter's bag when she leaves. Things are going to be tense between them.

You couldn't really blame her if she never believed a word you said in future if she did find out you kept quiet.

All yous adults are doing is covering for his DD and in a round about way giving her the nod that it was alright and there's no consequences to be had..

Would your other half be happy to keep quiet if your DD stole from his DD or even stole things from him?