To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

That's awful. Speak to your stepdaughter and ask her to return the items. It's really not fair of her to take them. I wonder why she did?

Your loyalty lies with your daughter. Tell her.

This I'm afraid

Definitely this.

It really depends on what the reaction and reasoning is of DSD when she is sat down and confronted (sensibly and tactfully) by both you and her dad. If she acts like it's no big deal and tries to defend it, then I think you owe it to your daughter to tell her the truth, as she will need to watch her back with her SS from now on. If she is remorseful and shows guilt, I think she should be supported to tell her what she has done herself and apologise, and I think you should guide your daughter to forgive her. They're kids, they're allowed to make selfish and inconsiderate mistakes and not have their life ruined. This is an opportunity to model what the adult thing to do is.

I feel like there's bigger issues at play here, step sister stealing her siblings christmas presents shouts attention seeking/feeling unloved at a time of year you're meant to feel most valued/family focussed. I think her dad needs to discuss WHY she took these things, I doubt it was just the stuff itself, and what's driving the behaviour. I'd personally, as a parent, be asking her to fess up and apologise to her sisters face when returning the stuff - this is the consequence of her actions. However, I wonder if your husband knows there's some underlying issues and perhaps his daughter has mentioned feeling jealous or something, and feels this will only widen the gap, which I can understand but ultimately I think a fair consequence is that if you steal stuff you return it and apologise. Rather than just focusing on this symptom of the issue though, you all need to work out where it's come from and fix that so it doesn't happen (or something similar) again...

I would insist that she returns the items and apologises. My step sister was a bugger for “borrowing” my things, but we actually got on really well so I laughed it off - she didn’t mean any harm and did return my clothes (usually unwashed!). As a blended family you need to be strong on (gentle) discipline and not let either of the girls get away with bad behaviour due to parental guilt; all that you will end up with is manipulative spoilt brats. They both need to know you love them, but will not allow stealing etc. Maybe it would help if your DH spent more one on one quality time with his DD to help her through her insecurities. I don’t mean spoil her with stuff, just proper chats and attention. They will either eventually get on or they won’t, but that’ll be their choice. Lying will not help.

Its interesting that his daughter is stealing and he wants you to deceive your daughter on this matter.

The best course of action would be getting his daughter to apologise for the stealing so the relationship can be honest and move forward

What are you going to do? Pretend the items just miraculously turned up? Just let SD keep them? None of this is ok and your DD needs to be put first here. She deserves to know the truth and she is allowed to be angry with SD's behaviour.

I'm not surprised at SD's behaviour though. Your DD gets to live full time with SD's father who SD sees what, once a week? There is bound to be some resentment there.

This needs properly getting to the bottom of though, not fudging over by pretending that SD didn't steal the items.

This happened throughout my childhood. Mother would sweep everything under the carpet and pretend it did not happen. It was awful.and as a result I could not trust either of my parents. My father was away a lot. However my primary school teachers supported me . She hated the fact they liked me and they were my saviours. Trust has always been an issue for me.

Their relationship can only move forward if there is honesty.
Make her apologise and give them back. Get a lock for the door if necessary. Someone has some making up to do, but maybe she feels insecure too.
At the moment you have one problem, it will be more if there is no honesty here.

Have you had a word @SuperLiliac ? Have you spoken with your DH about his daughter stealing from his stepdaughter?

What does that have to do with anything? It’s about raising decent human beings!

I think you already know you need to tell her the truth, you don't want to be the mum that ruined her relationship with her daughter for a man. It's obvious it's important to you that she trusts you.

I think you need to proceed with full transparency, speak to stepdaughter, tell her that she will need to sincerely apologize and accept accountability, the four of you sit down for this and let stepdaughter explain. Then you devise an appropriate punishment, maybe a way to make it up to daughter could be helpful. In a perfect world daughter will accept the apology, you all hug it out and everyones happy, but obviously we can't expect that outcome, however, if and when your daughter finds out you lied and gaslit her you will have much bigger problems than a little row between teenage girls.

Use this as a good opportunity to teach these girls about accountability and integrity, yes they are kids but we are preparing them to be adults, they should be starting to act like it at this stage. It might make things awkward for a while but it is possible to come back from.

Good luck ❤️

She seems to be very unhappy. From her perspective another girl is taking her place with her father on a full,-time basis and she possibly feels resentful. You, your DH and his ex needs to get together on this and help her move forward. I think that putting a lock on your daughter's door is unlikely to help their relationship , your stepdaughter is not going to feel welcome or comfortable seeing that. Better that the adults speak to her together and ask about her feelings and why she did this. She may just want you all to listen to how she is not coping with the situation.

I wouldn't keep this from my DD, wouldn't she be right to not want to have a relationship with someone who steals from her? May be difficult for everyone around, but quite frankly she would be well with in her rights to stop speaking to her. It's bad behaviour which is being enabled under the pretence of protecting a relationship that doesn't really exist. I'd be keeping a close eye on your stuff too OP.

Tell it like it is! Theft is theft. Totally unacceptable. I don't suppose this was the first time since she's been so brazen and lifted the lot.
SD needs to be held accountable, given a chance to apologise and offer the stuff back, or pay to replace them, whichever your DD prefers.
How would your DH react if it was your DD who'd done a 5 fingered lift?! His ex would be livid so am sure he'd be doing something about it.
I'd be telling him to sort within 2/3 days and before SD next visit or you're telling DD.
Good luck!