To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

To be a thief at 14 is one thing. To be a thief who steals from your own family so blatantly is quite another. What an entitled, brash, nasty act. Clearly no fear of any repercussions. And quite right to have no fear since her dad gives zero shits about her thieving. You say he found the things in the thief's room - why didn't he just instantly pick up OPs daughter's stolen belongings and bring them back to her? Why didn't you say "Great bring her stuff home ASAP"? I hope the next time the thief steals something it's from the stepfather or the OP and it's a credit card or similar. Let's see how blase the adults are about it then.

The thief's reasons are irrelevant at this point. Get your daughter's belongings back, tell her who the thief is, punish the thief and put a lock on your daughter's door.

The reality is she probably just wanted the stuff, and took it. But if you like you can work out why she felt her hurty feels were more important than your daughter's right to her own things later, while remembering that thieves lie about thieving.

Thieving from someone you live with is absolutely grim and not a small matter to be brushed under the table.

Hope it all gets sorted out for you regardless. Might seem like a huge issue now but if its handled properly it will be resolved x

So, OP have you done the right thing, returned the things that were stolen from your daughter, told her who the thief is and put a lock on your daughter's door yet?

Or are you still pussyfooting around your boyfriend so as not to upset him?

If so, you're in for a very rough time, and a well deserved one at that.

You are on board with trying to fix all this, like I said its a difficult time but hopefully yous will work through it, stepdaughter might have issues but you seem kind and willing to work it through so I'm sure it will be fixable x

And yeah do remember that in years to come your daughter will remember that you allowed a thief to steal her things and did nothing about it so as not to upset your boyfriend, if that is your choice.

First response nailed it.

Decisions have consequences. Stand up for your child. Teach SD (and your DP) to respect your child.

Dh needs to read her the riot act and make her give the items back to dd and apologise

Posters have already nailed it OP.
Although you are asking for advice you do come across as fairly blasé as to how your daughter will feel about this and how she will view how you adults are (not) handling it.
Your first priority should be to your daughter and to safeguarding your relationship with her. Second priority is teaching her stealing is not acceptable, and that she has a right for her things to be safe in her own home. You could also try to ask her to afford some empathy this time, but you should not berate her if she can’t yet.
I am actually most shocked about the adults here; so the father wants to lie, wants you to be complicit, and the girl’s own mother has decided not to have anything to do with the fact her daughter has stolen goods and they are actually still at her house.
Yes teens will be teens, but parents need to handle situations and this is not being done well.
Are you sure your daughter is actually truly happy with this family dynamic? There are warning signs, you have been told to lie to and gaslight your own daughter. Maybe have a really objective, clinical look at this relationship you are now all in. It’s a mess, and one you adults need to fix one way or another.

Did the OP just run away when she was told she had to do the right thing and not prioritise her boyfriend and a thief?

Would love to hear that your daughter's stolen items have been returned to her, the thief properly punished and that you have realised how utterly unacceptable your boyfriend's behaviour has been in all of this.

I'd be concerned about the other daughter , you know the 14 year old child that some of you constantly refer to as "the thief" stealing stuff isn't normal so I would say she's deeply unhappy and I'd be getting to the root of her problems and trying f to help her. The OP daughter will be okay but then I'm probably a lot older than some of you and tend to look at the bigger picture, not everything is black and white, I'm sure the OP realises this though hopefully and it will be resolved without too much drama x

Surely the people who need to begin sorting the issue with the step daughter are primarily her own parents. OP can offer to help but often this is not even wanted/allowed and crucially here this was not what the OP was about.

I agree, at this point it’s not necessarily a huge issue IF handled well by the adults. I’ve even advocated trying to get OP’s daughter to see this in an empathetic light. Where is my mistake in also advocating to take the daughter’s own feelings into account and not to lie and gaslight her?
You seem to miss that the actual question boiled down to should I allow my new partner to persuade me to lie to my daughter and thereby have her Christmas presents remain stolen and left at step sisters house for her use as her daughter still searches for them.
I can see you have sympathy for the step daughter, so do I - it’s not mutually exclusive - but just ignoring stealing and down playing how OPs daughter views this is only making everything much worse for both girls.
You are definitely not seeing the bigger picture if you think step daughter’s parents way of handling this is fair or acceptable to either girl. If you truly want to look at the bigger picture consider the message being sent out to a young woman, so she should accept being lied to by her own family, she should accept having her presents taken and used by someone else, she should swallow down any feelings of anger/resentment/hurt all to keep a veneer of harmony in her home she now has to share.

Why are you even considering lying to your daughter to protect your step daughter who has done a horrible thing?!?
I would be cross that my DH had even asked me to lie to my daughter & my response would be an immediate NO!….
I’m sorry @SuperLiliac but your DH needs to go immediately to his ex’s house and retrieve the stolen items….
If step daughter has used them she buys new! If your DH gives her pocket money then it comes out of that… personally I think she needs a consequence and replacing the stolen items with new unused ones where possible seems adequate …. Even if they weren’t unused when she stole
them!
The step daughter has abused everyone’s trust not just your DD’s…. what next ?!… £10 out of your purse…. A ring from your jewellery box!!….. A £50 jumper from
DD’s room which she then spills something down and ruins?!
Sorry OP but she might be your DH’s daughter but she is coming into your home and stealing…. I would be wanting to make it very clear myself that this won’t be tolerated !! I mean how bloody dare she!

You do need to also sit and think about your relationship too though, your DH should not be manipulating you to lie to your DD! And when anyone asks you to do so your immediate response should be no, your daughters relationship with you is more important than keeping your DH happy and protecting his daughter!
I'm not saying your marriage is over as other crazy posters have… but you do need to lay down some boundaries as you enter the difficulty of teenagers and step parenting them!

I do believe your husband may be right to worry about their relationship, you guys as adults should deal with it quietly because it may be potentially a humiliation for Step Sis and your Daughter may forever label her as a thief and it could set a course for her life.
As a parent, find a way that is nurturing for your step daughter and use it as a learning opportunity.
I would sit her down and discuss the incident, ask Dad how he wants to manage it and support him in his decision as her father and negotiate a way where you let step daughter know that although you are aware of what's happened it will stay between you because you want to see her succeed and believe this may just be a one off.

I understand you wanting to tell your daughter but it won't be good for your daughter or your step daughter.

I would try to use it as an opportunity to get closer to your step daughter as well. There is going to be drama and the more you air that among yourselves, the longer that drama lingers.

Let them know, if it happens again you won't tolerate it and make sure you are following up your actions on the consequences in the general house as well and not creating and environment of jealousy and spite.

It can be tough to balance but by not telling everyone or even your daughter your giving your step daughter the opportunity to right her wrongs and potentially feel closer to you.

Give your husband a deadline to get them back. If they're not back go in hard and threaten reporting her to the police as the age of criminal responsibility is from 10yo. If not back tell daughter, she's your daughter and she's the only one you should be loyal to in this.

Just to add, thats worst case scenario if she's done it on purpose, give her a chance to return and explain, but make sure she understands she can't do that. It's down to her wet father to have a chat with her. Sounds like he needs to pay his daughter some attention and kindness, but it's not your daughters fault.

my eyes are rolling so hard I have a headache. Lie to your own daughter????

surely you dd already knows sd has taken the stuff regardless of what you tell her? where else did she think they went?

Stealing in this way is usually a sign that a child is unhappy. It's not necessarily because your step-daughter even wants these items. Your husband should be talking to his daughter, in a calm manner and finding out why she stole the items. Possibly some counselling of some kind may help? The problem is, this time she stole from her step-sister but it could escalate to her stealing from friends, other family members it even shop lifting. You have no idea if she's taken items before either, so it could have escalated without your knowledge. However, your husband shouldn't allow his daughter to escape the consequences of her actions either. Your step-daughter should be returning the items to your daughter, with an apology. Yes, it will be hard for your step-daughter, but at 14, she's old enough to know right from wrong. Your husband may want to shield his daughter, and I understand that. However, trying to cover the behaviour up, and lying to your daughter, is not the right way for him to go. All behaviour has consequences, and your step-daughter needs to made accountable for her behaviour. Yes, she needs support and outside help, that's something your daughter needs to know, but she deserves to be told the truth.

If they were birth sisters there would be none of this footling about. You would sit both of them down and get it sorted, you would work through the tears, the denial, the betrayal, and the resentment, and things would move on. If the girls are to have any sort of relationship in the future ( which if the OP and her OH stay together will be the case) then there has to be pain to make the gain.

Otherwise the knowledge of the theft that three of you are hiding from the fourth will build up and burst out one day, and your daughters anger at the theft will be compounded by the lies and deception from the adults she should be able to trust.

The correct response is for the step daughter to be personally made to own up to taking the stuff and to return the items with an apology. The father needs to speak to her and ask her what she would give herself as a punishment for stealing them. Don’t dress it up and don’t accept anything less than an apology. It’s a life lesson you’d step daughter needs to learn. Her Father needs to understand that he is doing more harm than good by not standing firm and giving both children boundaries. Even if that means the SD rails against those boundaries that’s the job of a good parent - to take the flak and let their kids learn how to deal with their own mistakes.

Step Sis should return the items and apologise and promise to never take her stuff again.
They are old enough to deal with this, and no parental intervention should be needed.

This

your DH wants to be a Disney dad, how would he want you to act if the situation was reversed? You need to be honest with your daughter or she will learn she can’t trust you to stand up for her and what’s right

Basically your other half does not want to do his parenting duties and is asking you to lie to your daughter. Your daughter should be able to trust you 300%. What message are you giving her if you lie? That you don’t care about her and her feelings. And she will find out you lied, sooner or later.
your other half is a massive twat. Do you really want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to lie??