To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

How long have you been living together? She may be jealous that your daughter lives with HER dad 100%, I know my eldest niece was when her dad moved his now wife (who is lovely and adores the girls) in, and the new stepbrother lived with her dad all the time and was even parachuted into her class at school. It got better when they moved to different secondary schools, and is fine now, he's a good kid, but i could see why she felt how she did. The younger one was less fussed, but then she still had her own space at school and is a different character.

Yep on it right now 😂

Thing is, he’s effectively asking you to lie (albeit by omission) to your own dd. I am sorry but that would, as they say nowadays, give me the ick.

I agree that SD is probably struggling with her dad living with another family. He needs to spend a lot of one on one time with his daughter and work on their relationship.

Your other half needs to step up and admit it is their daughter that is the thief.

I would allow 12 hours max for this to be done, before I would do it myself.

Your priority ought to be your daughter, not your other half.

This used to happen with my things when our families blended. I knew my step sibling had taken them so different to your situation. My parent knew what had happened too, but nothing was done so as not to rock the boat. It bothered me most that my parent didn’t support me and help me keep my things safe going forward.

My sister did have to point out to her ex about the unhappiness, he's lovely, and we all still get on, had Xmas fizz together with Sis's DP and his wife, but he just hadn't realised why she was sad. One on one time helped sort it. As blended families go they're good now. But it took work. And you have two girls at tricky hormonal ages.

@SuperLiliac your DP needs to ask his DD why. He needs to get her to bring them back and apologise to her sister. You don’t need to be involved beyond asking him to do this, unless he won’t. You and he can then talk with her about why this happened. Obviously an insecurity. But you’re right; you can’t keep this from your DD.

I have a question for your DP - how on earth was he planning to explain the re-emergence of the stolen stuff to your DD without admitting his daughter stole it?

Did he think she'd believe she misplaced it? That she's somehow unboxed her brand new stuff and mentally blanked out doing it, then lost it? I mean, she's 13, not a toddler.

She knows things don't just vanish then reappear in a different condition from when they went - what on earth is he thinking?

Because it seem to me a - frankly childish - knee-jerk responses of "don't tell because your DD will be angry at mine" rather than a rational approach by an adult.

If he can't respect your relationship with your DD and the crucial need for her to have faith in you, he's not much of a parent.

Of course don't tell her. This is a discipline/emotional issue with the other child. It's not appropriate to tell your DD. Obviously her dad and you possibly too need to deal with this with the Step D and her mum. This is for adults, not kids.

If you tell your DD, you'll really tarnish the relationship. Don't do it. To what end? No.

Really? As a child/young teen my emotional needs were fine but I used to occasionally help myself to things like a pair of socks, CD, or lip gloss from my sister. It was just because I wanted the stuff. A lot of times I had one of my own but I had lost or broken it. I pretty much always got caught and punished but sometimes I couldn't resist 🤷🏻‍♀️. Now we are adults and my kleptomania is a running joke in our family.

Yeah but how are they going to return the stuff to the dd?

I'd be tempted not to tell either - much easier for the parents. But the reality is the dd probably already suspects her step sister has taken the stuff - like who else would have?

If you want this family set up to work, OP, I think you all have a lot of work to do. Starting with why your dh and his ex seem so chill about their teen stealing.

I would be honest with your daughter!

@RatInADollhouse it’s not a joke to steal from other people, family or not. The grown up normal thing would be to ask if you want something.

OP I’d say to your DP that he must tell your daughter what has happened, that the gifts must be returned and then you will work on an open and honest relationship moving forwards. You can’t build anything on a lie.

How do they generally get on op? I Think that's important . Does sd have form for stealing ? . Of course you can't lie to her , that's a ridiculous suggestion, DH must have had a brain fart . I'd be pissed off and of course your dd will be but isn't this a pretty typical situation with teenagers ? Try and find out why, does she feel like the poor relation? Jealous ? There may be some deep seated issues but it could also be she just wanted it. Was it make up? Il bet it was. Bollock her, " disappointed , betrayed , lost our trust blah the usual , make her apologise , get your dd a lock for her bedroom . Perhaps no need for any massive over reactions . With my family and friends if your sister nicked your stuff you'd just get it back and hit her with a hairbrush. No one would be off for counselling or therapy .

What's so funny?

You still haven't explained why you thought it was a good idea to 'blend' in the first place...

She doesn't really need to explain that to you , does she .

Be honest with your daughter.

Oh don’t be ridiculous…. The same reason lots of families blend… they believe in their love , relationship and they can make it work

Sometimes it works and sometimes doesn’t - the reason why doesn’t matter it’s what OP does now in the present that matters
OP your relationship with your Dd is the most important and I would hate as a teen to find out my mum knew but hid it from me

It’s depressing how people put their wishes to live with a new partner ahead of their children’s wellbeing. Here we have two teenagers who don’t get on having to live (at least part time) under the same roof. My child’s friend (15) has moved out of their mum’s house permanently because mum’s new boyfriend has moved in and they don’t really get on. Honestly what kind of mother would be ok with a partner causing issues with their own children?!

does his daughter have to come to your house?
can he spend time with her elsewhere?
maybe that's something he could arrange.
at least until he's dealt with her behaviour, extracted a proper apology, and she's regained enough trust to be welcome in the home of people she has stolen from?
otherwise he can maintain his relationship with her in other ways/ places.
Put your dd first. If he can't understand why this is important, maybe you should 'un-blend' things.

Or deflect,deny and hope to Christ it all somehow doesn’t get talked about too much
Let your partner and his daughter lie and ask you to collude
YEP there are signs,up to you if you read and act on them. His actions and responses are telling you his priorities

I wonder if it was your dd who stole from his dd whether he’d be saying let’s not tell his dd.

Very good point.

This is where you stand up for your daughter. DH can't throw your DD under the bus, whatever his rationale.

DD gets her stuff back.

DSD offers a sincere apology and a promise never to do it again.

DSD gets consequences.

And then the fallout to the relationship lands where it may. DSD created this, not your DD and it shouldn't be hidden from her that her step sister is a thief.

And I don't buy the argument that there's always some unmet need that leads to stealing. Sometimes there is but sometimes it's just greed. You need to find out which.