To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

Something doesn't ring true here .

There are 3 options
1 SD accidentally picks up gifts along with her own present pile
2 SD deliberately takes items from box and puts them in her bag
3 DD puts them in SDs bag to get her in trouble.

You say it can't be (1) because you and your DD know the item had been deliberately removed from the box by the culprit.
If that were the case, it would have been immediately obvious to all that the item had been deliberately stolen, and the only person could have been SD. So why did you then do this massive house search before checking with SD's mum?
I think you need to consider that framing your SD is also an option

No way. She's a teenager who knew what she was doing not a toddler.

Agreed their relationship is up to them and has to be based on the truths

She needs to give them back and apologise. Everyone does dumb shit when they are teenagers for a bunch of reasons. That’s why you have to learn who to out it right.

Hiding it will only make you feel resentful towards your DP.

At no point did I say SD didn't know what she was doing 🤔

Teens do stupid things all the time. SD did something stupid out of...spite? Jealousy?

This obviously needs to be considered and addressed when the situation is being dealt with.

OP needs to keep a good relationship with her daughter but also maintain/develop a relationship with SD, whose father she lives with. Encouraging a bit of empathy (alongside being honest with her DD) would help support this relationship too.

Of course she should know. Step sis needs to return them and say sorry.

YANBU to want to discuss it. The girls both need to be made aware the items have been found, and at SD house. Assuming SD deliberately took this items (which it sounds like hence dad wanting to cover this up) she needs to apologise. I think her dad also needs to get to the bottom of why she did this - again we can only assume jealousy at his attention being shared, or not living with him full time.

How long have you been together and when did you move in? How much had the girls interacted before then?

They might never get on fully, but need to show respect while in the same household.

This he gives her 24 hours to return and apologise that’s theft

Given their ages and the fact it is stealing it should be dealt with in the open by adults.

Stealing is wrong and both her parents should surely be concerned and so say exactly that to SD.

Second, in my experience, kids - siblings, blended, cousins do “lift” things. In my extended family it will be for the kids to find out if we did and had it out with each other.

And then we get told off by our parents, for stealing and the fighting.

Lying and ignoring it is not the way to go IMO. I do understanding your husband it trying to keep the peace but it doesn’t help in the long run. In your case, I’d be asking SD return the stuff and apologise to your DD

Your poor DD! Having her things stolen by someone who is allowed free rein in her home. I’d be livid if one of my DC stole from another and you should be too, step situation or not. Your DP is awful in asking you to cover this up and your DD isn’t stupid. She won’t believe you anyway. Can’t believe you’d think to protect step DD over your own!

Yes more adults who blithely ignore the affects splitting up and starting new relationships will have on their children.
However much we pretend the children are fine, they are not.

I expect your DD already knows her SS has taken them. It’s hardly likely to have been you or DH is it?!

I'm surprised at the ages. I thought they were older.

Since this isn't a life relationship for certain, even more of a reason to put your dd and her trust in you first. Before your lying pathetic boyfriend. He's no partner when he doesn't do right by you and your dd.

I was in a similar situation as a child but had a mother who chose not to rock the boat - largely by ignoring what was happening, things would sometimes reappear but there would be no acknowledgment of who had taken them and no consequences. It did have an impact on our relationship!

SD should return, apologise and face consequences / a punishment - your DD and SD will probably be able to move on from this as your DD will see this out in the open (I also agree that kids do stupid stuff but adults should behave like adults).

I’d her give them back and apologise to dd. Hiding secrets just creates a barrier and even it eventually comes out you’ll be the bad guy and damage your own relationship with dd.

I'm normally in agreement with LTB, but that seems rather premature in this case. If her DH had refused to try and find out what had happened to OP's DD's items and had continued to be reluctant to speak to his DD about it, you might have a point, but he is going to tackle the issue with his daughter.

If it was me I think the SD should be telling your daughter herself when she is made to apologise for her behaviour.

He's right, it will cause tension between them. Welcome to the world of raising teenage girls/sisters. The fact that they are step sisters and don't live together all the time is to a degree irrelevant. Me and my half sister were vile to each other during teen years, always stealing each other's clothes and using the last of each other's 'best'... anything. My parents didn't protect one of us to keep the peace.

Your partner is being weird about this. His daughter needs to face the consequences. What is he teaching her, covering up the fact she stole? She needs to say sorry, return or replace the items if she's used them, and deal with any drama from your daughter that arises. That's how she learns not to nick stuff. Yes, you need to be fair to your daughter, but also fair to the step-daughter - which in this case means, kindly but firmly making her own her shit. Your family will never 'blend' if you don't dive in and lead the way, parenting both of them with empathy. The fair, empathetic thing to do is face issues head on, as a family, not hide from them to keep the peace.

If it was a biological sibling who had taken these items would you be so keen to throw their relationship under the bus?

I ask because my younger daughter went through a phase of pinching (a vernacular word here in South London , which means stealing) her big sisters things and also, on occasion, small sums of money. We handled it very gently because we didn't want to cause a rift between them.

It wasn't stuff she particularly wanted or needed. And it wasn't because they didn't get on - they were and still are very close. I think it was just a cry for attention (her big sisters was very dramatic and often got an unfair share of our attention) mixed with jealousy of the glamour of big sisters being older.

we knew it was her taking it and a quiet word along the lines of "if you've got X's stuff, you need to put it back in her room before bedtime and no more will be said. If it doesn't turn up we will need to think about what to do next'. It always turned up and the embarrassment of being found out meant the phase was short lived.

This absolutely has to come from her dad. You shouldn't get involved.

Siblings have always taken each others stuff. It doesn't mean they will grow up to be master criminals.

What does your partner suggest happens? Does he just want to pretend it hasn’t happened?

My DD is really particular about her things… she’d really struggle with this .

So are you going to protect your daughter from her stepsister the thief and get her things back?

Or just do what your husband wants because he doesn't care?

It’s not about throwing someone under a bus, it’s about giving her dd information about her things so the dd can act accordingly.

The dd can elect to put her valuable things away somewhere safe with that information.

OP has every right to reassure her own child that she is being treated fairly.

Telling your DD is the least of it. The DSD needs to apologise to your DD face to face and her dad needs to ensure appropriate consequences.

I'd accept nothing less - she has stolen and he's trying to cover it up.

And this isn't a 'step' issue. I'd expect any parent to ensure the right response in this situation.

Of course there are feelings. As far as she's concerned, your dd has stolen her dad. Your dd gets him full time, she lives elsewhere.

Who wouldn't be jealous of that?

That’s no reason for OP’s dd not to be told the truth.