To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

Empathy. For the person who made her a victim? Good grief.

If she thinks she has got away with it this time it, it will just happen every time she comes to your house.

I had this with my SD, started small things, i called her out on it and asked why she took it and DP said it shouldn't matter it was just tat we didn't use & phone chargers (he feels guilty he left her with her mother and she can do no wrong). It got prolifically worse after that. DS computer games, but I couldn't prove it. Costume Jewellery, clothes, shoes, money, underwear ffs, she used to go through everyone of my drawers, you know when you can tell someone has had a rummage, she used to go through stuff I tried to stash under the bed. She always denied it and i could never find any proof, and if I did she would find an excuse, or it wasn't big enough to warrant her a telling off from daddy - I did very nearly leave him. Worst part was when I started having to take my handbag to bed with me. If I left my purse out and she called round unexpectedly she would help herself to a few quid. I had a money jar hidden in the corner of our room behind some drawers and curtains, I don't know how she managed to find it but she did, I went to put something in it and it only had small change left in it instead of £1 and 50p, I could prove she did that though as there was a ring in it and i found it in her things. I got lockable make up cases and vanity cases for all my stuff.

She is a lot older now and has matured, early 20s, I don't think she would take stuff now but I am a bit on edge if she ever comes around and goes upstairs to us the loo. But to be honest now she is older I wouldn't pussy foot around her to keep the peace, she would be told outright.

Nip it in the bud, my SD made my life hell for a good 8 years, but she had issues at her mums and DP was reluctant to discipline her - he now knows that backfired.

Lifted as in stolen.

He should be concerned on where their relationship will go from here, but that is entirely his daughter’s fault and she shouldn’t have him covering up her wrong doings to avoid consequences. What is that going to teach her? She can steal from her DSS and daddy won’t make her apologise? Nah. She should absolutely be made to return the items and apologise properly, face to face.

It is then his DD’s responsibility to mend this relationship as she is the one damaging it.

Remember, the stepdaughter will make excuses for her behaviour and may just lie about why she did it.

Anyway, regardless of her reasons, once she has been made to return what she stole and made to understand she will never get away with being a thief without consequences, and your daughter has a lock on her door to protect her from further thieving then you can worry about why.

First things first.

Who said it was?

I'd tell my partner (who claims to be dealing with it) that if the matter isn't resolved by 8pm tonight, then I would be taking the necessary steps to shine a light on the pilfering hands of his daughter and I'd be telling my daughter who stole her belongings.
He has until 8pm tonight to deal with it or all hell will probably break loose.

He doesn't put you or your daughter high up on the pecking order now does he? Please say that you have all your ducks in a row should the need arise for you to separate from him?

It DOES matter because the girls didn't particularly 'gel'. ie didn't like each other

Why do their needs not count? Why do their feelings come behind those of their parents?

And look at the result...

So, no not ridiculous at all

I think they also often steal because they want the items they're taking. It may also be in part to an emotional need or desire that cannot be met but that doesn't excuse theft.

I'm concerned about your partners attitude to this

Your Oh doesn’t want to address the issue of his Dd stealing and wants you to be complicit in keeping it quiet because he doesn’t want her to feel any shame incase she refuses to not come to yours to punish him. He doesn’t care about how your Dd feels because his parenting is coming from a place of fear and his ex isn’t interested enough in her daughter learning her behaviour has consequences neither and doesn’t want to get involved. You know it’s wrong but your up against two passive parents not wanting to rock the boat and your own daughter having to pay the price and feel her belongings aren’t safe in her home and two tier parenting. Your’s and your Oh’s parenting don’t align, your Sd needs her stealing nipped in the bud and for her dad to tell her it’s unexceptionable, she has to return items and apologise to your Dd and if it happens again then there will be consequences. If he doesn’t want to do that then you need to provide a home for your Dd so her belongings are safe as a lock on her bedroom door isn’t addressing the real issue of not putting boundaries down. If it was the other way round your Oh would expect your Dd to face consequences as he would fear his Dd would refuse to come over, his parenting is fear based so he would rather close his eyes to her behaviour l.

Deliberately stolen then.

So first dad gets them back or replaces them within a short time scale and then you will think about how you will explain it.

However, unless your dd is very naïve or you have had hundreds of unknown people through your home she will “know” who has taken her things and you now have the proof.
Covering it up to avoid your dh dealing with the truth isnt going to help in the long term and lying to your daughter isnt a viable option either - think about it. What if she asks who took them, where did you find them etc etc .

Just because two adults are in a loving relationship you cannot force their children into one. Hell, they might not even like each other and throw in family dynamics and jealousy you have a recipe for disaster.

Your daughter comes first. Do not lie to her.
Your daughter needs to trust you and know you have her back over some partner.

Your partner doesn’t sound good to be honest, he is allowing his daughter to get away with this behaviour with no consequences. She will do it again. Also trying to play it that it will ruin the girls already fragile relationship is bullshit he just don’t want to step up and father his child on her behaviour. Very manipulative.

Time to rethink your relationship with him.

This is a very valid point and in the discussion with DD about her stuff being stolen perhaps jealousy can be mentioned. DD presumably will also understand the sadness of not living with her own father any more.
No more lying from anyone though

OP s DD comes first for HER. You're forgetting the other DD should come first to her dad.

Him putting her DD first won't help anything.

i am talking to the op whose daughter comes first for her. Answer would be different if the father had written the post.

Could you go over with your dh and having prearranged with her mum, for the mum to bring the item out and ask her daughter to explain herself? Then she can apologise to your dd. She did it, she needs to own it so she won't do it again.
With both of parents willing to cover it up, how does a child learn consequences for their actions, and to be trustworthy?

You're also calling him shitty for wanting to put his own DD first, so...no.

Your other posts.

He clearly is being manipulative towards the op in trying to cover for his daughter, that is shitty towards the op. He wants to protect his daughter that’s fine but not fair on op and her daughter.

Stop trying to twist my words. have a good day.

I think it’s important to put this in perspective. Kids do stupid things. Using strong language isn’t particularly helpful. If you see it as acting out, rather than theft, you’ll be better positioned to deal with it.

Adapting to a blended family is a lot. Being a teen is hard enough without living alongside someone your own age that you don’t particularly like. They didn’t choose this.

As hard as it is in the moment the best way to clear the air is for her to admit it, return and apologise. And for your dd to accept the apology with good grace. Things like this fester and damage relationships and the truth is always the better option.

But I also think you should let her df handle it with his dd, but don’t try and make him your cats paw to get justice for your dd. You risk creating a dangerous power imbalance otherwise that will damage the family dynamic irreparably. If you want this to work you need to trust him.

In the meantime you need to keep your eyes wide open to what’s happening with your dd. And help guide her towards being a compassionate.

Has he even spoken to his daughter about it yet?

OMG, if I were the SD mum I’d be LIVID with my dd for doing this. I’d be straight on it, take the bag off her and get them straight back to you! Then I’d look at punishment

But he isn’t putting his daughter first like a parent, he is wanting to hide away a problem while potentially damaging OP’s relationship with her daughter in the process.

As a parent he should be addressing the theft and expecting his daughter to face the natural consequences. He should do that AS WELL AS helping her feel more secure in her blended situation and understanding what was really going on.

We don’t need to make this a huge thing. Teenagers steal. It’s developmentally common - usually a bit of shoplifting for those who do it. Poor impulse control, urge to misbehave, see it want it, rebellion, whatever. Very few grow up to be career criminals, for heaven’s sake, so it’s not damning the stepdaughter to acknowledge what she did.

Ordinarily, I’d agree with you. However, the dad making excuses and covering up for his own DD, instead of helping her to face the consequences of her actions and make amends is not putting her best interests first - far from it.

Agree.
Nothing funny about it.
He is a liar, his daughter is a thief and a liar and you are focused on how to move forward rather than 100% being there for your child.

Awful behaviour. Your poor daughter surrounded by such dubious morals.