To tell her who stole it

[SuperLiliac]

Blended family with teem girls on both sides. They get on OK but not really each other's cup of tea.

My daughter spotted a few of her girly christmas gifts had gone missing. They were in a communal area and disappeared. Deep delve searching for them to no avail.
Few days later, we come to know step daughter has lifted them. (In a bag at other parents house).
My other half doesn't want me to tell my daughter that her step sis has taken them as it will be very difficult for their relationship going forwards.
I'm uncomfortable with covering this up and would rather be honest. Aibu to want to tell the truth?

I honestly can't see the "returned and not saying anything" thing working and I don't think that parents should lie to their kids. I do agree that this needs more investigation to get to the bottom of why this happened. having a child who gets comfort from stealing is never going to end well.

You want your Oh to collect stolen items from his ex and get his Dd to apologise, that is part of parenting, to try to nip things in the bud and let his Dd know it’s not ok to steal. Both daughters then know they are on the same footing, that they will get called out for bad behaviour. If your Oh doesn’t see he and ex keeping quiet will be enabling their Dd bad behaviour then you will have to acknowledge it’s not an environment you can bring up your Dd in. Blended families in my opinion are rife with jealousy, both parent and stepparent have to have to be in agreement on bringing the children up else it will be unfair and problematic, you can’t give one child carte blanche to behave as they want while another has to adhere to rules.As @CheekySwan outlined in her post. Ignoring bad behaviour because of fear/guilt based parenting doesn’t work, it escalates.

Stolen then?
You need to tell your DD or she won't trust you to have her back.
You should also not be protecting the thief

Oh and do NOT expect your daughter to have any empathy or compassion for the thief, that's ridiculous nonsense. She is allowed to be angry and upset that someone she should have been able to trust deliberately chose to steal from her.

Later, once the thief has been forced to return what she stole, and apologised, once your daughter has a lock on her door and knows that the thief had to face consequences, then and only then she might choose to have some sympathy for the stepsister who stole from her.

Or maybe not. They are both teenagers, the thieving child's wants and needs don't trump your daughters valid feelings.

Your daughter knows who's taken it. She's a teenager not a baby.
Unless there are more people living in your house she might suspect?
What matters now is how it's handled.

The SD dad needs to sort it out not you.
Stuff returned and apologies.

I'm with @ElatedShark. Unless you're part of a massive household your DD knows perfectly well who has stolen her things. This is an awful situation for her to be in.

Are they planning on returning your daughters property to her or is it a case of oh yes I checked, she's got them, tough shit, she's keeping them?

The items need to be returned in exactly the same state as they were, by your SD in person, with an apology. If they’re not in the same state, then they need to be replaced from her own pocket money.

If this is somehow not feasible - if your partner won’t enforce it or if he has no authority over SD so she won’t do it - I don’t think you’re DDs should be expected to go on sharing a house with people who steal from her.

Blending families is so rarely a good way to go.

I don’t know why this is funny? Moving your partner out of your home so your dd doesn’t have to share with an unrelated man and fellow teen seems a minimum she could expect.

The stepdaughter did something wrong and her dad should be telling her that she needs to be accountable for it. Return and apologise and then face the repercussions of her poor choice. If his take is to lie/ cover it up then tbh he’s not a man I’d have much admiration for!

Unrelated man, he's her bleeding partner and the kid is 13, a kid, would you ever give over🤣

But he is an unrelated man. He's not her dad, uncle, brother etc, he's her mum's boyfriend.

Maybe she should end it, maybe not, I'm tempted to say yes since he is being incredibly wrongheaded about allowing his daughter to be a thief and there is no way this will end well, and if he doesn't do the right thing by the OPs daughter it is going to get worse and worse.

But either way, he is in fact an unrelated man.

A new partner or even stepfather is an unrelated man by definition.
And too many women are too quick to move them in to their children’s homes, plus their children.

Their relationship going forward is completely seperate to this.

Your daughter needs to know that she cannot trust her things around her step sister and to be on the lookout to keep certain things safe if they mean a lot to her (It should be everything kept safe and left but I'm sure you know what I mean) it might be a few cheap replaceable things at first, what about if it's a piece of jewellery or a gift or heirloom from a family member that has passed on or something that can't be easily replaced or rebought?

The other teen has done wrong and she knows she has hence sneaking it into her bag. It should affect their relationship and those of everyone in the house (who knows what else she might like and take for herself?) If sister tells mutual friends about it too that's for her to deal with and is a direct consequence of the actions and might help her stop ever doing it again.

A quiet word and keeping it safe so your daughter never knows who she can trust in the house is not fair on the innocent party.

Plus, perhaps you don't realise this, but I think it's fair to say that when your daughter finds out (and she will of course) that her mother knew who the thief was and did nothing to spare herself a bit of hassle, she wont forget in a hurry and it could cause you far greater problems down the line.

And if I'm honest, I find it truly weird that you would have enertained lying to your daughter so your boyfriend doesn't have to deal with the hassle of his kid being a thief.

her partner is trying to compel her to lie to her own DD to protect him and his DD
He is so little regard for @SuperLiliac and her daughter that he wants to front it out
Thats who he is. Mr Me and Mine. He’s not seeking a mutual thoughtful resolution his solution, lie. Front it out
Would lie to his own DD to protect @SuperLiliac and her daughter, doubt it

anyway, his behaviour gives an indication to his judgement and his moral compass- he’s not a keeper

This, your husband’s duty is to ensure they are returned and have a stern talk with his daughter about theft and morals. He shouldn’t be covering it up and certainly not asking you to do so.

Exactly.
Imagine entertaining lying to your own child to protect a man and his thief daughter?
Women wonder why their adult children are avoiding them????🙄

Lifted means stolen. Just like shoplifting means stealing from a shop.

Lifted, knocked - a colloquialism for stolen. As in the stuff was lifted, stuff was knocked
I thought it was I readily understood as such? Obviously not

She's bleeding 14, would you get a grip, she did a stupid thing and it will be resolved, jesus😔

I'd be absolutely furious, at both SD and DH. Your daughter deserves to be able to enjoy her belongings in her own house without having them stolen, and her Stepdad asking her Mum to cover it up. Nope, doesn't work for me.

SD needs to be sat down for a conversation and given 1 chance to apologise to DD, and to make amends in some way. There also needs to be a conversation about why she felt the need to be dishonest.
If SD is not willing she needs to learn consequences of no longer being trusted, and what she’ll need to do to regain trust.

Awwww babe I have 2 teenage girls......you have my sympathies!!
Get the gear back and she'll ask where it was found.
I understand not wanting to start a war but you shouldn't have to lie to your daughter.
Other half should also want his daughter respecting other people's property.
What would he say if it was the other way round??

Bad behaviour should never be covered up or condoned because this involves lying and decite. Instead maybe try to explain why other child behaved this way and look for compassion. Don't lie for your ex because if found out it will come back on you and trust issues between you and your daughter