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Original poster

Should we accept it and move?

206 replies

Rosie1963 · 26/01/2025 17:06

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

OP posts:
TheBoysAndTheBallet · 26/01/2025 17:09

I would only accept the money if it was offered without any conditions. If your parents are insisting on trying to dictate where you live, it's thanks but no thanks.

Asvoria · 26/01/2025 17:10

That sounds very controlling to be honest. I'm giving ds enough for a house deposit, but he can live wherever he wants. Parents shouldn't dictate like that, it's not the 1950s.

North Norfolk is pretty dull and far from most places.

Remain independent and tell them to spend the money on Mars bars or whatever.

OtterlyMad · 26/01/2025 17:11

Wow I’m so sorry your parents sound incredibly selfish. I certainly wouldn’t move closer to them and in fact I would be reluctant to allow them too much involvement in my children’s lives after demonstrating such manipulative behaviour!

Noi · 26/01/2025 17:11

This is hard.

No for them stipulating what you do and where you live even with their help.

Yes to help with deposit and possibly support with children!

Boundaries are fair to have especially when it comes to picking your home. And a gift should be just that!

WallaceinAnderland · 26/01/2025 17:12

That's very controlling. I would decline.

Trickabrick · 26/01/2025 17:12

It’d be a no from me, it’s really very controlling of them.

CeramideSkin · 26/01/2025 17:12

They are bribing you to live near them. No way.

SometimesCalmPerson · 26/01/2025 17:13

I wouldn’t go along with that condition, it’s too selfish. If they wanted to help with grandchildren then they would help provide a home for them in a place that both of their parents want to live, or they could move closer themselves. This is all about what they want, not about supporting you and your husband.

Suzuki76 · 26/01/2025 17:14

No. Never. What if you want to move again? Are they going to throw a strop and ask for it back if it's not within a 10 mile radius?

Midnightlove · 26/01/2025 17:14

Nope I wouldn't take the money

Rogerisourlodger · 26/01/2025 17:14

What if you moved there with their money but hated it? Would you be trapped in an area you didn't like, or have to pay them back if you moved?

A gift should be freely given, it's be a no from me.

TheNewSchmoo · 26/01/2025 17:15

I have a sneaky suspicion that if you accepted, the fact they gave you the money would repeatedly be used as leverage to get their own way in other aspects of your life.

Midnightlove · 26/01/2025 17:15

They didn't need to move if they wanted to be close to theor grandchildren either, that was their choice.

SunshineAndFizz · 26/01/2025 17:16

A chunk of money sounds really tempting but I'd say no. UNLESS it's a location I was really keen to move to anyway, in which case see it as a bonus.

If the only reason you'd move there is the money then I'd decline.

And what other conditions - do they have to agree to the house you choose? What if they ask for the money back suddenly?

Coffeeguru81 · 26/01/2025 17:17

Hell no

your parents sound bloody sinister

SparklingSpa · 26/01/2025 17:17

I’m not sure, it depends how much the money is, the type of house you could buy compared to where you are now and if it’s a nice area to raise a family. I think now would be an ideal time to switch areas as it’s a lot easier than after you have DC and they go to school.

sometimesmovingforwards · 26/01/2025 17:18

As parents they sound appalling.
But as in-laws they sound like a relationship deal breaker.. personally I’d run a mile from the whole set up.

If you try and push this one through don’t be surprised if your relationship fails and you’re single within 3 years.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/01/2025 17:18

I wouldn't.
If it's a gift with conditions then what's to stop them carrying on?
You have to do x, y, z we gave you £x.
You have to do our shopping, we gave you £x
You have to... because you only have the house because of us...
Would they criticise your spending? Expect a say in how you decorate? Demand the money back in a few years if you don't obey them?

DramaAlpaca · 26/01/2025 17:19

Never accept a financial gift that comes with strings attached.

Spitalfieldrose · 26/01/2025 17:20

That’s mad, North Norfolk is great if you are retired but there’s hardly any work and transport links are rubbish. It’s also a lot more expensive than North Cambs.

Stick to your guns and stay where you are, you are far too young to be living that kind of lifestyle and they are being ridiculously controlling.

Rainbow450 · 26/01/2025 17:20

North Norfolk is pretty dull and I think you'd miss the hustle and bustle of life. Keep saving you'll get there.

RIPVPROG · 26/01/2025 17:22

I wouldn't move to North Norfolk with a young family, where you are there are lots more opportunities for young people and even after they leave school/graduate there's lots of employment and easy commute to London if necessary. It's also very remote and not a huge amount to do and transport links are not great (I have family there)

Greentrilby · 26/01/2025 17:23

It’s a clear no from me too. I helped both my children onto the property ladder but didn’t stipulate where or what they bought. Seems like the thin edge of the wedge for me. As others have said, will they want to go house hunting with you, approve the purchase then tell you how to decorate. Your husband is wise to be cautious.

ReignOfError · 26/01/2025 17:24

It's a hard no from me, speaking as a mother of adult kids, and grandparent of kids from 6 to 16.

It's an outrageous imposition to try to control your life choices, and as others have said, where does it end? What if you want to move in two years, or ten? What if your parents become frail and expect high levels of help from you?

Plus, I have news for them, it's not (within reason) proximity that builds strong relationships with grandkids.

Merrygoround8 · 26/01/2025 17:24

I wouldn’t accept this money, no.

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