Should we accept it and move?

[Rosie1963]

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

Two can play at that game. Turn it back on them. Let them know there won’t be any grandchildren unless you’re able to buy a house in an area you actually want to live in.

Would they rather have grandchildren they see every few weeks/once a month, or no grandchildren at all?

Going off the user name I think this is a reverse…

but yeah as per previous posters, the sounds very controlling and likely to be a total nightmare if / when you do have kids

North Norfolk to north of Cambridge can be done in a day, think they are being unreasonable to expect you to move to NN. We have elderly family members there, expensive, full of retirees and I can’t imagine there being many jobs… based on this demand I would definitely resist being near them, they sound controlling.

Ok so it goes on a house and if you don’t like their partner, it’s off the table and if you do like the partner - they can have it but must be legally written up they have no claim to it.

So nothing remotely like the OP’s condition

Nope. Don't accept money with conditions, that's really unfair and quite controlling of them. They chose to move to North Norfolk. Did they think about their future GC and the distance when they made that move? Expecting you and your DH to uproot your own lives is incredibly unreasonable, and may end up driving a wedge between you and DH if he becomes unhappy with the move.

Honestly, this condition will be the first of many. They will believe they’ve bought you as a family and that they call all the shots, if you accept their bribe.

I didn’t say it was the same situation at all. I said I have conditions I’ll be placing on the money!

How could you possibly know this?

If your parents had downsized to somewhere near you the whole scenario would be different.

What they are doing is very manipulative and not at all acceptable. A gift is not a gift when it has so many strings to it.

Just say thank you but we want to stay where we are, and then get on with your lives.

You could always counter offer.

We’ll accept but only on the basis that you’re aware that we’ll give it 2 years to see if we settle. If we don’t like it, we will move again and won’t be able to return the deposit.

This
They are being a little unreasonable tbh. I understand that they want to be able to see their grandchildren but surely Cambridge isn't that far from Norfolk.......not exactly another country

They sound very controlling and I can't believe they think this is reasonable. Plus (and I don't know the SE of England very well) but isn't Cambridge pretty near Norfolk anyway?

Where do you want to buy without their money?

Idd say stick to your plans, as taking money with strings attached could lead to resentment. Would DH be comfortable with the fact that your parents would be enabling you both to purchase your home?

Nope!! They are more likely to be having an eye to help they might need as they get older. If they were so desperate to be near any potential grandchildren they wouldn't have moved so far away. They will try to control you in all sorts of areas of your life

I would stay put and keep saving

I love living in Norfolk, but you must be really sure about moving here before you come. Particularly in terms of work. I came for a given job and maintained my pay level with London. Local wage rates are relatively low and it takes quite a long time to get from somewhere like Clay to London to see any friends. Cambridge is far more accessible and has more for children on the whole.

Imagine hearing about the gift every time you had a slight disagreement or difference of opinion. Can you live with that?

It may seem like it would be ok to acquiesce now, but what if you accept, move closeby, get offered a great job elsewhere or outgrow the house.
Are you never allowed move!?

Interesting username.

Absolutely not under any circumstances. Money should be given freely. Next thing they will be telling you which house they think is best for you. If they wanted to help get you on the housing ladder they should just gift you the money.

What works area wise for someone in their 60s, if the username is the date of birth doesn't necessarily work for someone in their early 30s.

I would stay where I am and keep saving , any house you buy will never truly be yours as they will be in and out having opinions ie telling you what to do .

Not a chance. If they wanted to be near you they would move near to where you are now surely?
My partner is originally from anglia (not norfolk) and has said countless times how much better it is where were are for families etc.
We have a smaller house than we could have elsewhere because the location is so important (in my opinion).

I would accept it, I prefer Norfolk to Cambs on balance and would personally feel the financial benefits would outweigh the negatives. Plus you'll have grandparents nearby for childcare.

Ditto!
You and your husband will end up feeling really resentful and beholden to them if you move to a place that you don't want to

No way. Money should be given with no strings, if at all. I doubt this will be the only time it happens.
If you accept this money, then I have no doubt that it will be mentioned time and time again when it suits your parents. Perhaps used to guilt you into things you’re not keen on.
Thats quite the life style change for you as well.
I’d pay your own way and tell them no thanks. Perhaps point out that you won’t be having children until you have sorted yourselves.

It might seem okay for young kids - but what about when your children are young teens, being out in the sticks won’t be so great then. What about schools? Activities etc?

We gave a large sum to our DD and her now husband towards a house to get them on the property ladder with no strings attached. They moved 2 1/2 away. Of course we are a little sad that they’ve but we see them and will see the children when they have them.
Personally I don’t think your parents are being fair and ultimately can you really trust them to see and help with the grandchildren?
Stay where you are.