Should we accept it and move?

[Rosie1963]

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

I think that whilst they are being honest with you they are also being controlling and I would thank them for their generous offer but say NO.

Communicate more with them. What about opportunities presenting unexpectedly in another country, You never know where life will take you. Would parents move with you if for example, a job came up with good salary etc in a new part of the country? Needs more discussion

It’s their money , they can say what they like.
sound a good idea to me

Your husband is right, that offer is controlling and manipulative

Agree that you don't want to be trapped, and want to make your own choices. However being half an hour rather than 2 hours from supportive grandparents can be an advantage with small children, if you aren't desperately attached to Cambridge.

It would seem wise not to rush into this. Thank them, and say you have yet to decide where you want to live.

Then you could look into areas you might like with an open mind, as a genuine choice. There are some nice areas and good schools in and around Norwich eg Heatherset.

And perhaps think about maybe accepting /borrowing a small sum from them, in future, when you have saved up more, rather than the full amount they are offering, so that you can prioritise paying them back. That way you get your foot on the property ladder but are free of any obligation.

It sounds like your partner doesn’t want so no 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unfortunately, your parents can’t control where you live with money. It is nice for you as you get what you want but your do is left not so well off so I would refuse until his need are met too.

On the other hand, if you want the children care then your husband is being selfish IF in fact he will expect you to foot the bill as you do not have any family/friends around you to help.

So IF your partner does 50/50 with you no problem. If you haven’t talk about childcare then I would weight that in as it is horribly expensive. Of course make sure your parents are reliable on this.

Good luck 🌺

On the one hand it sounds like a good idea if not a rather controlling action disguised as a generous offer.

On the other hand, "they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren" could be a translation for "they would like to help us move closer so you can be their carers if that time comes". If you do decide to accept their offer, be prepared that this might be a stealth motivation. If you are happy to assist them if they lose their independence, I'd go for it, unless you have other options available.

I agree with most on this thread, they either offer the money freely, or they don’t. Money used to control people is not healthy, plus should something happen to one of them in the future, I bet this would be the tip of the iceberg! Plus all the other issues others have highlighted here including what happens if you want to move in the future. It’ll ruin your relationship with your partner long term, who wants controlling in-laws like that. Your parents could have stayed close by to be near any future grandkids.

I suspect that the subtext of this is they want you to near them so you can look after them when they get very old. Sorry to be cynical but I would guess that this is their primary thought and access to any children you have is secondary.

take it, buy a house near them then sell it not long after and move back to where you are now.

There is no guarantee that the childcare will actually be offered or to the extent that is meaningful eg everyday post school vs occasional weekends.

your OH will resent the loss of his friends and community- will your relationship survive that?

You will be at the beck and call of your parents and eventually be their carers.

Just Say No.

No, I wouldn’t accept because a) they’ve shown their colours and if they’re making these kind of ransom demands now they will be INTOLERABLE if you do eventually have children, leading me to b) if your husband isn’t on board and you know the move would be really hard for him you’ll probably be divorced within 5 years of moving anyway.

No. Firmly no.
This isn't "unfair" OP.

This offer is not an idea they suddenly came up with and there's nothing positive I can find about this situation.

They moved quite a distance away to suit them, knowing that they wouldn't be able to play a role in possible grandchildrens lives so easily unless you moved too, also to suit them. Cynical me says this is not about them helping you at all, but about having their daughter nearby as they move through their senior years, on hand to help THEM.

Making a conditional offer like this is extraordinarily unpleasant. This is not help or a gift and says nothing good about how they view you.

Stay put and keep saving.

I would have a conversation with them and call them out on trying to control you with money. You don’t have to be rude or harsh, just be straightforward and factual. Something like, “Thank you for the generous offer. While we appreciate it very much, we can’t accept it. We have a policy of not accepting gifts with strings attached. We have to choose where we live based on what we feel is best for us. Right now, our current location is best for us, so we will continue to save up to buy something here.” Their response will show you what boundaries you may need for the future of your relationship with them.

I have a relative who does stuff like this. They will pay for you to do what they want, and expect to have control and input into all of your major life decisions. They have form for letting themselves into the homes they gave money towards and replacing decor with stuff they like or removing clothing from closets that they don’t approve of. I’m the only one of my generation that has refused the money and enforced boundaries, like no house key. I’m also the only one not divorced because I refuse to let this person have control over my life.

Did they really think you would accept this? I certainly would not accept. I think it's unfair to play on your desire to have a family.
Can't be sure whether you would get jobs as good as you have now.
If they like Norfolk that's fine but where you live is up to you.

Pretty much this. Yes in today's world it seems a bit much for money to come with strings attached, but you don't have to accept it. Personally I think it's preferable to live near to family anyway.

Are you OK @Rosie1963 - have the responses surprised you?

I bet it would be held over your head and when you did eventually have children I bet they wouldn’t help half as much as promised. Also as they age they would expect you to be at their beck and call, again holding the deposit over your head.

I don't see this as controlling at all. It is a proposal you may or may not agree with. But at the end of the day they are prepared to give up a significant amount of capital and sacrifice potential earnings in order to help you and your partner. On these circumstances, it is only natural they want to maximise their bang for their buck, and, if they are prepared to give up the pleasantries they could afford with those earnings, it is only fair that they get something back from you and your partner. In this case, you would make up for it by allowing your parents to be closed to their grandchildren.
You don't have to agree on the terms of the proposal and that is absolutely fine. But there is nothing untoward or unreasonable from them to put this forward.

Apologies, on my previous post I meant pleasures not pleasantries.

So you've had pages and pages of different views and advice...are you any the wiser and have you made a decision? @Rosie1963

But there is nothing untoward or unreasonable from them to put this forward.

Of course there is. Gifts should come with ribbons not strings.

I expect the OPs parents had the luxury of choosing to live amongst their friends and contempories as a young couple. Raising children is about encouraging independence and creating their own unique life story not summonsing them to shift their lives to entertain you with their children.

If the OPs parents wanted to be close to the day to day lives of their grandchildren then they should have considered moving near to where her DD is settled.

I cant imagine you or your DH will have the same (or be able to rebuild) existing career, social, community or friendship situations/opportunities with this move.

Definitely no due to the conditions.

Perhaps this should not be considered a gift but a deal.

Think very carefully before accepting. I was in a similar position and did accept the offer. I’ve ended up somewhere I’m not thrilled with and moving won’t be on the cards for a long time.