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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should we accept it and move?

206 replies

Rosie1963 · 26/01/2025 17:06

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

OP posts:
OneWaryCat · 26/01/2025 17:57

From my own experience - be careful moving anywhere 'to have children'. We considered moving near my mum as we were going to start trying to conceive. Long story short we still haven't had any luck getting pregnant and are now going through IVF treatment.

I am SO glad we are still in our house, close to friends and our jobs, and not commuting miles to London each week whilst hoping to get pregnant. When I envisaged living near my mum it involved being on maternity leave and having her help with the baby once it arrived.

Had we moved I would have found it all too depressing 'waiting' for our expected life with children to start.

I agree with those who have said money with strings attached is always dangerous. If I was your DP I'd probably be livid and feel completely suffocated by the offer. Stay put, see if kids happen easily enough, then decide what works best for your family based on your own needs.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 26/01/2025 17:57

I wish you'd put a poll on this OP, you'd see 99% of people saying you'd be crazy to accept this "offer".
Money should be given with a whole heart and zero strings. Accepting it sounds like they'd feel you owed them something. That's no way to live!

Coffeeguru81 · 26/01/2025 17:58

I actively wouldn’t want people such as this to live close to my children if I were you op

Vinni8 · 26/01/2025 17:59

Suzuki76 · 26/01/2025 17:14

No. Never. What if you want to move again? Are they going to throw a strop and ask for it back if it's not within a 10 mile radius?

This

What else will they think they have a right to have a say in?

KevinAndTracy · 26/01/2025 18:02

Not a chance would I accept this offer.

The fact that they are willing to bribe you in this way says a lot about the type of people they are. If you move then I suspect their controlling and selfish ways will escalate and they will be interfering in all aspects of your lives.

anon4net · 26/01/2025 18:04

I wouldn't accept money with strings attached. This tells you they will hold it over you. It may also lead to resentment from your partner, especially if he doesn't settle in the new area.

Never allow yourself to be bought. Freedom is a much richer life than a life of being controlled or indebted.

Ewock · 26/01/2025 18:07

I'd wonder what other conditions may come up in the future. Will they expect you to take over their care (if needed) because they gave you that money?
For me it would be a no, 1 ita controlling 2 where will the conditions end and most importantly 3, it is not in your dh best interests.

Newstartplease24 · 26/01/2025 18:08

No. Apart from all the other good points that people have made, think about the fact that people have to be bribed to move to north Norfolk. If people thought they’d have a vibrant social life, loads of culture etc when they moved there, they wouldn’t need to pay family members to come too. It’s a completely different life from having access to Cambridge and London.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2025 18:09

I wouldn't accept money under these conditions, stand on your own feet op

CableCar · 26/01/2025 18:10

TheNewSchmoo · 26/01/2025 17:15

I have a sneaky suspicion that if you accepted, the fact they gave you the money would repeatedly be used as leverage to get their own way in other aspects of your life.

Edited

This.

Definitely don't accept it!

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 26/01/2025 18:13

As a parent to a child of the same age as you, I can safely say that any money I have given to DC has been without any stipulation at all. I want my child to live where and how they want. It isn't up to me to dictate anything to them.
If you agree on one condition, you will have to agree to many more.

Georgyporky · 26/01/2025 18:17

I'd accept it, but then move again.
2 can play games.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 26/01/2025 18:20

Only move near to your parents if that is where you both want to live. The extra distance from London friends might be a deal breaker for DH, in which case the answer is No. But maybe it could be made to work for you both.
Before going ahead you should remind your parents that there may be reasons in future for you to sell up and move to another area. If they are not willing for that to happen, then it's no go for everyone. They can't expect you never to move and you shouldn't give the impression that you are agreeing to this by accepting their money.

ILoveAnOwl · 26/01/2025 18:23

My friends did this and moved from Glasgow to Birmingham, where she'd grown up. Life there was not as great as they'd thought and they ended up hugely resentful and having a really strained relationship with their parents.

10 years down the line they're desperate to move out and parents are livid as 'that's not what they agreed'. Nothing legally they can do, but I can't see them being in contact at the end of this all.

Choccyscofffy · 26/01/2025 18:24

I don’t necessarily agree with what your parents have proposed but you need to remember that this is their money and what they’re proposing is still incredibly generous.

If that was me that money would be going into my pension pot.

If you and DH split, he’d be getting half the house which I wouldn’t want to facilitate.

Couples should build their combined assets themselves.

Rowen32 · 26/01/2025 18:25

Absolutely not, that's awful and so selfish

Likewhatever · 26/01/2025 18:28

It’s fine for them to put conditions on what sounds like a substantial gift. The reasons don’t matter, the ball is in their court.

It’s also fine for you to decline the offer, on the basis that the conditions don’t work for your family,

So neither of you ABU.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 26/01/2025 18:30

Well they’re hoping for a compromise where you both win. You get a lump sum and the chance to move your plans forwards, they’re getting access to their family who they love.

Im family oriented so I would jump at the chance but then I actively want to be near them, I love that my children are close to their grandparents.

I think it’s ok that an offer of large sums of money comes with some strings. They’ve worked hard for it. At least they’re being transparent about it.

It sounds like you need to have a hard think and, if it’s not right for you, turn it down.

GreyAreas · 26/01/2025 18:30

It's both really generous and really controlling. I would acknowledge both. 'We would love to have you close, but we have to plough our own furrow. Now you've made your move, that's another thing for us to consider. Norfolk's probably not for us - I'm sorry. Your offer is incredibly generous, we hope you can find another good use for it.'
DO NOT let this become a wedge issue between you and DH - inevitably thoughts of family and childcare will matter to you. Being your own agents is more important. Move to them if you want to but not because of this. Expect nothing.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 26/01/2025 18:31

FWIW I’m saving for deposits for my 3 children but they will absolutely come with conditions, one of which is, that if they’re not married, the money needs to be protected in their name.

I want to help my children, but I’m working hard for my money and, yes, it comes with some conditions.

Waffle19 · 26/01/2025 18:35

I’d say no, but also don’t expect them to help at all with childcare

Coffeeguru81 · 26/01/2025 18:35

WhenTheyComeForYou · 26/01/2025 18:31

FWIW I’m saving for deposits for my 3 children but they will absolutely come with conditions, one of which is, that if they’re not married, the money needs to be protected in their name.

I want to help my children, but I’m working hard for my money and, yes, it comes with some conditions.

Can you elaborate on what other conditions you plan to impose?

Hdjdb42 · 26/01/2025 18:37

My uncle moved to Norfolk and found it very boring and isolating. Public transport is not great where he lives, and everything's so far away. I wouldn't move there, unless you've been and love it. Personally I don't think it's right to offer something with strings. Who would be your support network? I think it's important to live near family and friends who are supportive.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2025 18:37

Does it not occur to them that you could always move again one day?

WhenTheyComeForYou · 26/01/2025 18:40

Coffeeguru81 · 26/01/2025 18:35

Can you elaborate on what other conditions you plan to impose?

Show quote history

That the money needs to go on a deposit. If they’re not ready to buy, it stays with us.

I will also only offer it if I like their partner and think they’re a nice person. I’m not making sacrifices for decades, to hand half to someone I don’t like.

They don’t have to agree or accept the money. I love my kids to death and want to help them, but it’s not free money, I’ve worked bloody hard for it.

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