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Original poster

Should we accept it and move?

206 replies

Rosie1963 · 26/01/2025 17:06

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 26/01/2025 20:24

Nope.

Because it won't just be 'live near us' it will be 'oh no not that area' and 'nope not that street' and 'nah this house isn't big enough/new enough/old enough/small enough....'

Ad nauseum.

And once in a house, were one ever to actually happen... there would be endless 'did you fix that... you can't paint it that colour... you should do x with the garden'...

Not to mention 'oh I just popped in to rearrange your living room' and 'your second cousin is coming to stay ive said they can stay at yours for a month, after all it is partly ours...' and 'I just thought I'd knock through to the garage and build that extention I thought was a nice idea... you can finish it off now...'...

And if you ever decided you needed to move, round and round it goes again.

It's not a house. Its an endless string of obligations and conditions and guilt and entitlement.

NameChangedOfc · 26/01/2025 20:24

I would never accept that money, no. And, personally, I would not want my potential DC near that kind of controlling and manipulative people

Chicheguevara · 26/01/2025 20:24

North Norfolk is very nice. 40 mins from Norwich where there is work. I lived there until a year ago but not sure I would move back.
How near is near them? Somewhere like Aylsham is nice, easy trip to North Norfolk, easy commute to Norwich.
Being a Norfolk girl, 8 am fond of it. However I am not sure that I would want to accept restrictions.

DottieMoon · 26/01/2025 20:27

TheBoysAndTheBallet · 26/01/2025 17:09

I would only accept the money if it was offered without any conditions. If your parents are insisting on trying to dictate where you live, it's thanks but no thanks.

Totally agree

StressedLP1 · 26/01/2025 20:29

No. Gifts with strings attached are not gifts.

fairycakes1234 · 26/01/2025 20:34

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/01/2025 17:18

I wouldn't.
If it's a gift with conditions then what's to stop them carrying on?
You have to do x, y, z we gave you £x.
You have to do our shopping, we gave you £x
You have to... because you only have the house because of us...
Would they criticise your spending? Expect a say in how you decorate? Demand the money back in a few years if you don't obey them?

I woukd weigh it up, are you close to them, would you like them to know your kids, i lived 6 miles from my parents, easy to get to if they needed anything, they had great relationship with my kids and kids oftem stayed over with them when they were small and as young adult's stayed if they were ill or needed them, it worked for us but deoends on what type of relationship you hsve with them.

Cherrysoup · 26/01/2025 20:37

Absolutely no way. I’m open mouthed at the demands of only moving near to them, thereby uprooting your lives? Just no way. Better to wait and save longer.

Sunbeam01 · 26/01/2025 20:39

I wouldn't accept and I think it's awful of your parents to make an offer with such conditions.

I'd cut my nose.off to spite my face through sheer principle.

MrsMickey · 26/01/2025 20:46

As a Norfolk girl, how close would they expect you to move? Given you’re planning to have kids, Unless they’re stretching to fund Greshams, some of the schools can be a little patchy and north Norfolk can be a little dull and remote. However, Wymondham and hethersett are good for young families - good access to the city, good schools, reasonably close to the attractions, and Wymondham has good train connections and its commutable to Cambridge. Maybe that’s a compromise you could accept?

fingerbobz · 26/01/2025 20:52

Why don't they move closer to you?

They're being very unfair

JoanCollinsDiva · 26/01/2025 20:53

No, they're lining you up to look after them in their old age.

Terrible of them to try and control you like that.

housemaus · 26/01/2025 20:55

Nope. Not a chance. It's weird and controlling of your parents to dangle money you know they could help you with over your head but only if you do something that they want - it's not that they want to help you, it's that they want to have a say in where you live. And honestly, it doesn't sound like going to Norfolk would be great for your husband - and therefore probably your relationship, because I imagine there'd be an amount of resentment there on his behalf.

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 21:05

I would say you’ll probably be glad of the help when children do arrive…….they can’t easily help from miles away and you will need some support………

GreylingsSkin · 26/01/2025 21:15

TheNewSchmoo · 26/01/2025 17:15

I have a sneaky suspicion that if you accepted, the fact they gave you the money would repeatedly be used as leverage to get their own way in other aspects of your life.

Edited

This

User781 · 26/01/2025 21:28

As others have said, that's not a gift freely given and I wouldn't accept it for that reason unless I.wanted to live very near my parents anyway. (But, in contrast to other posters, I love North Norfolk. I've considered settling a bit further inland, where I used to live, in or near Wymondham - closer to Norwich, decent rail links Cambridgewards, and with fantastic schools.)

luckylavender · 26/01/2025 21:33

No chance

RedSkyDelights · 26/01/2025 21:46

Ceecee2422 · 26/01/2025 21:05

I would say you’ll probably be glad of the help when children do arrive…….they can’t easily help from miles away and you will need some support………

No guarantee that parents will be any help.
How many times do we see thread where posters say that they uprooted themselves to live near family and no support was forthcoming?

And if they do go and live in an area where they know no one and are a long way away from friends, they are reducing other support networks.

healthybychristmas · 26/01/2025 23:27

I'm another one who wouldn't do it. I think they are very unfair. If they want to live near you then that's fine but they shouldn't expect you to move near them. I think they should be very careful about where they retire to because if they reach an age or ability level when they can't drive they may well really struggle.

Also, what if they don't like it there? What if you move to be near them and then they don't like it and want to move somewhere else? They will say that wouldn't happen but how do they know?

Enough4me · 26/01/2025 23:31

Don't let them buy you or they'll 'own' you forever. A gift should not have strings!

Tomatobum · 27/01/2025 06:44

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Vera87 · 27/01/2025 07:03

I live in north Norfolk and I always have. I love it but it is quiet.

It's manipulation at its best..:we will help you out but we will dictate where you live. It's wrong. Don't do it

Tomatobum · 27/01/2025 07:05

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bigvig · 27/01/2025 07:09

North Norfolk is quite awkward to get to from elsewhere. Getting a job won't be that easy there unless wfh is an option. People often go there to retire. Unless it's a place you love don't move.

Tomatobum · 27/01/2025 07:13

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OOlivePenderghast · 27/01/2025 08:12

I think you shouldn’t accept that sort of offer. However on the practical front if you did, you would:
a) have to live in or near kings Lynn or that train line so you can get the trains to your jobs in Cambridge/London. 45 mins to Cambridge.
b) your jobs would have to be working from home majority because there’s very few well paying jobs in north Norfolk.
c) look at how good schools are- secondary schools are very poor.
d) you will have a long commute.
e) how much childcare would your parents likely give. Unless it’s every school holiday and wraparound care every day from your long commute it’s not worth it.
To see your parents regularly on the weekend you could live somewhere like Ely. A bit more affordable than Cambridge so you can buy. Easy commute on the train. Not too far to drive to north Norfolk and a nice place to live.