Should we accept it and move?

[Rosie1963]

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

It depends how long you’d have to wait to save the money yourself.
If that’s more than a few years then I’d take the offer.

It also means you will potentially have childcare support when the time comes.
Lots of people move to buy because they can’t afford where they’ve settled, so this is quite normal really. With the added bonus of your parents money to take the pressure off.

No and no.
The housing market is tough. They should want to help you, not bribe you.
Sounds like the scenario where the house will feel
like partly theirs. And the hits will just keep on coming.
Do not give in to this. It’s appalling.

No I don't think you should and it's very unfair of them to try to bribe you. What if things changed later and you wanted to move but couldn't give the money back. Hard no from me and I'd be p*** pff too

The offer, whatever you do will have consequences.

I see 7 potential outcomes

Accept, move and do their bidding, that’s good for them, you do not like it/ you are fine with it

Do not accept the money, your life doesn’t change, your parents hold it against you/don’t hold it against you

You accept move, live there for a while and then move to where you want by liquidating the asset and upset your parents you care/don’t care that you have upset them

Or the house is in their names so you can't sell.

No. In most cases, people who start with conditions to the gift end up adding more. I would highly suspect it will turn into stipulations on the kind of house you buy, bargaining over care, comments on other financial choices you make, any other decisions you make that they don't like being met with, "we did give you all that money."

This. We are gifting the children deposits and they can buy where they like.

lived in West Norfolk it’s beyond dull. Went to Cambridge uni - that’s nice. But on your own terms.

They will buy you the house, be there without official invite and treat the kids the way they want without even asking you

I would chat to them about it. They may not have thought through the impact of such a move on you. You could always say that you'd love to accept but DH's job would make that impossible right now.

Norfolk is not that far from the north of Cambridge anyway, but I guess the difference is that Cambridge is very expensive, so they'd be unlikely to move in your direction if they wanted to help out. Can you invite them over for Sunday lunch a few times so they get used to the drive from where they have moved to, to where you are now. If it is under 90 mins, it's hardly a big deal for you or them to meet up.

Would it be worth looking somewhere like Ely or Thetford as half way between the two? They'd only be about 30 mins drive for your DH if he wanted to see childhood friends regularly. Not that you do so much of that once young children are around.

If I was in this situation, and we both had easy-to-change jobs, and already had one or more children, then I might think about this, if it made the difference between a rented flat and a house with a garden. Maybe.

But to do it before we had children, before I even knew if we would be able to... no way. Every time you visit them it will be nudge-nudge about whether you're pregnant yet.

My suggestion would be to say "Why, that's a lovely idea, and we'll certainly consider it if little ones come along, but can we put it on hold until then? After all, it's not like you're going to blow the money on travelling the world in the meantime, is it?". Keep the option open even if you have no intention of taking it up. By the time LOs do come along a lot else might have changed (for example, DH's parents might be a bit less sprightly) and refusing, or coming to some intermediate arrangement, might be easier at that point. Or it might even make sense, if you need a lot of help with the LOs...

The question I'd be asking @Rosie1963 is "How long does this condition last?"
Let's say you take up their offer, get on the housing ladder in North Norfolk, have a couple of children and then, maybe in 10 years' time, you or your husband get a fantastic job opportunity that would take you to another part of the country - or another country altogether. What do you think your parents' attitude would be then? Would they encourage you and your family to take the opportunity, or would they remind you they gave you money to get on the housing ladder on the condition it was near them, and now that you won't be adhering to their condition, they want their money back?
Gifts (of anything, including money) should be given freely with no strings attached. If they can't do that, it's not a gift at all - and if I were you, I wouldn't be accepting it.

Late to the thread
100% agree with this, they may well act lije you owe them if you accept their help.

I'd be very wary. If they are attaching conditions to it they may well hold this over you for the rest of your lives.

Seems they might want you to look after them in their old age.

If conditions are attached I would say no. It's not worth it, and your marriage may not survive either if your DH is not happy and neither are you but you cannot extricate yourselves.

With my awful, horrible, vengeful hat on though..... you could accept, buy near them and sell up after a year or so as it's just not working out Mum and Dad. Unless they stipulate that you have to pay it back if that happens, or some other condition.

I'd rather stand on my own two feet quite frankly. If your parents want to be near their future grandkids THEY can move closer to them surely?

I wouldn't accept a gift that came with strings instead of ribbons.

No, no, no. If they want yo be close to their future grandchildren, they can move close to you.

I feel this money would be held over your head and also quote likely an expectation that you'll be around to provide care and errands as they are.

No way. It would spell disaster for your marriage. He would be very resentful, isolated and likely unhappy. You have no friends, roots or jobs in Norwich! What happens when you want to inevitably leave, would you have to pay your parents back? It would be a really bad idea… not to mention how controlling and unreasonable it is of your parents to put this on you, imagine how much you partner will come to hate them. I would never consider it.

You need to remember that this isn't a one off condition, it's permanent. What happens if in 10 years time your career needs you to move away?

on the condition that it is near to them

A gift with conditions isn't a gift, it's an obligation.

Not only would I decline the money (instantly, it wouldn't need thinking time), I'd be going low contact and keeping them at arms length for some time. And I'd be telling them why.

So awful, selfish and manipulative.

Hell no.

If your husband is against it he will likely resent it if you force him into relocating.

I'd bet that your parents might be a bit engaged with any children... but what they really want is you there at their beck and call as they age. Your question is, is it enough money to be tied into that for?

It would have to be several million to convince me to move to Norfolk long term.

I don't think they're being unfair to want to be close to their future grandkids and see you more.
If that isn't something you want then decline their help.

That's the 2 options. If moving closer doesnt suit you then stay where you are and save for your own house.

I don't think you should accept a gift with such stringent conditions attached to it. And if you manage to persuade your DH into it, it's a recipe for marital resentment down the road, given what you've described. Not only would your DH have to give up his friends, his in-laws will be very present in his life and in the upbringing of his child. Given the controlling behaviour they're demonstrating, I don't think it would be a good thing. If they really wanted to help you have a family, they'd give the money with no conditions.

I think you'd be better off both of you working as hard as you can to save for a deposit. Maybe there are some ways you can make more money on the side.

If you want to live near them take the money If not, don't. Or find a compromise if one could exist!

@Rosie1963 Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms.

You think it's unfair for your parents to offer money? Most people don't receive any financial help from their parents to buy a house.