Should we accept it and move?

[Rosie1963]

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

I'd accept it in your position.

1. I think its reasonable for your parents to think investing in a local support network is as valuable as travelling to see you further away. Thats how I'd see the money. Yes, there are expectations that you'll be a local support, but that money would otherwise be spent travelling to see you or possibly on professional help.

2. They may be able to help with childcare and that will help you more than your husband simply because employers are often less flexible with men who often think it's not their job anyway. You could have an amenable husband, in an inflexible job. Getting 2/2 is lucky.

If you want to agree to stay because of the principle, make sure you won't bear the brunt of the consequences.

I wouldn't accept. It was their choice to move and this offer is very manipulative with too many strings attached.

No. That would set a nasty flavour for the beginning of your parenthood and your DH may well bear a grudge deep down, even if he is a saint. Don't accept the money unless without strings. Finally, how cheeky!!!

You need to put your marraige first
If you aren't both happy to relocate, don't. Keep saving.

You will resent them in the long run. For any number of reasons - they’ve ruined careers; made you live somewhere you’re not happy; end up offering no childcare when you actually have children etc etc. you need to live your own life. As tempting as it is, the money should be offered without strings or it is a leash around your neck

I would see this as a huge red flag .... I would be moving in the opposite direction.

Are they ususally this overbearing, demanding and controlling?

Its really disrespectful to you and your DH..... very self-serving and tee-ing you up to be their carers no doubt.

I would do what would make us both happy and that would likely be to stay where our friends and network is. If your parents are that concerned about being close to their grandchildren, they should move closer to you.

This is way too controlling. Do not do it. It will ruin your marriage

It might not bother you right now when you have no children, but when you do have them, you might really, really hate this level of control.

Becoming a parent changes you and opens your eyes. What you are willing to accept right now, you likely won't afterwards.

I think it’s reasonable of them to put conditions on the money. It’s not something that you are entitled to, so why not put any conditions on it that they like?

But I wouldn’t be accepting it. North Norfolk, from what I know, and I do know it reasonably well, is not an ideal place to raise kids. I also suspect that it may not be as easy for you and your partner to find work as what you think (but then I don’t know what line of work you are in).

As others pointed out as well, you may get there and find that they don’t actually help with childcare. This could be because they’re too busy enjoying their retirement (I know some grandparents who live really close to their grandchildren but they’re always off overseas on holiday) or because their own health fails as they age so they’re unable to.

I'm a grandparent. Hard no from me.

I gifted some money to dc. Unconditional - that's what a gift is. One dc has invested in property, the other has taken a sabbatical and is using the money. Not my decision - theirs.

Excuse my ignorance of your geography, but how far away is their house? North Cambridge to North Norfolk could be anything from 40 minutes to 190 minutes. How close do they expect you to live? The next village, the next street?

I am about 30 minutes from dgc - maybe twice as long in peak rush hour. That is fantastic. But if dc chose to move further away, well that is their choice, and we all have to work with it.

I don't think I would unless it was somewhere I was considering moving already.

Yes it makes a big difference bring close to family who help with childcare however

What if you couldn't have children?
What if you have a disabled child that's too much for them to handle?
What if their health deteriorates and they can't look after them?
What if they look after them and realise actually they hate it and it's just too much for them?
How will you feel if they expect you to care for them in their old age as some sort of payback?

If the answer to all the above is that you wouldn't mind living there, because it still worked out so much better than the alternative, financially, then go for it. Just be wary of the loads of mumsnetters who have moved closer to family only to find that they don't actually see each other much

No no no.
And I bet your parents have form for being controlling?

If they were genuinely wanting to help you and be close to their future grandchildren, then they would be moving near where you want to, not "buying" you.

I'd say no thank you. They would have a hold over you and cast it up at every opportunity. Also if you wanted to move away, sounds like they'd make it difficult for you, emotionally.

It's a power move and I wouldn't appreciate that.

That is very generous of your parents to want to gift you a large sum of money. What is the area around where they live like? I mean I'm assuming they are not asking you to move next door! The fact that both you and your husband would have little trouble finding employment in another area, the fact it would be a big help in buying your own home and even better the fact it means you can start trying for a family sooner rather than later I see more positives than negatives. Friends can come and visit surely and naturally you can visit friends. The other positive is the fact your parents would like you close to see their grandchildren also indicates perhaps you would have better support if needed with additional childcare help and who better to turn to but your parents. I appreciate many are saying your parents come across controlling but I think if you can consider it maybe you will see it could actually work out OK. Wishing you all the best with your decision x

Hell no. So controlling and manipulative. Stay well away!

This is a massive red flag which I wouldn’t accept.

Are they going to comment about the fact that they helped you forever? Are they going to use the fact that you accepted their money to control you in other ways like how you decorate the house and what decisions you make for the kids ?

How close would close be ? Will they expect you to drop by regularly and have a key etc ?

Does your h get along with them and if they do, do you think it’s because he only sees them the amount he currently does?

You're in the prime of your life, still
probably need to
work for quite a few years. You want to settle in an area with good schools, employment opportunities, social
life, healthcare, friends and family.
Your parents, especially if retired, have more freedom to visit you than you would with DCs, especially when they start nursery, school.
Your parents should move nearer where is best for you, not the other way round.
We will give our DCs money towards a property, they can decide where is best for them to live/raise a family and then will downsize and move close so
potential grandkids can visit or we can
help
out.
Strings attached financial gifts can lead to issues further down the line. Tricky one, I'd argue my case and stick to
what is best for you for the next 10 years at least.

My parents offered to buy us the house next door to them, we are 50s in rented and they are 80s and could do with help. There is no way we would be manipulated like this. I think it's outrageous. The money should be without catches.

Might help to say we are currently about 3 hours away and last saw each other 5 years ago, maybe longer. Extremely low contact.

Nope don’t do it. They have already set terms for you having the money and it will be held over your head

I'm in the minority, but I'd suck it up and move.

It's a massive financial burden off your shoulders, and having the grandparents nearby will be very useful.

Yes, it's a bit controlling but they won't be around forever and this could make your life a lot easier now.

Absolutely not. What would be the next condition that they land on you?

And also - North Norfolk.

On the basis that OP is 29, they are likely only in their 60s and could conceivably be "around" until OP's own future children are grown. Moving on the basis you don't like it but it's not forever is also an awful reason!

Well, she didn't actually say she didn't like the area. Just that the parents were a bit controlling. Being in the same town doesn't mean they can control them forever and they can still draw boundaries after accepting it.

It would be worth a discussion as to exactly where they live and then how far away they would expect you to be. Depending on how north of Cambridge you live, housing etc is only going to get more expensive. Amenities and transport worse. It is still feasible to get back to Cambridge area from Norfolk.
I have seen the Cambridge area change hugely over the last 25+ years that I have been around it and it's, imo, just getting worse. Tend to avoid going there useless there is no other option. Sadly can't see it improving anytime soon.