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Original poster

Should we accept it and move?

206 replies

Rosie1963 · 26/01/2025 17:06

Hi all.
DH (31) and I (29) have been together for 5 years now, married for 2. We're still saving for a house and would like to have children but don't want to until we have bought a house.
My parents have just downsized, moved to a cheaper area and are now mortgage free with quite a bit of money left over from the sale of the house. They have offered to give us a large sum of money to help us buy a house, on the condition that it is near to them. DH and I are just north of Cambridge, my parents have moved to north Norfolk.
Now I know this is unfair for my parents to only want to help on their terms. Their reasoning is that they would like to help us move closer because they would like to be close to their future grandchildren.
DH and I both think this is very unreasonable and if they want to help then we shouldn't have to uproot our lives for it.

But, part of me thinks it might be a good idea. It'd take a huge amount of pressure off money-wise and we could start trying for a baby a lot sooner. It'd also be helpful to have both my parents nearby as both his parents live abroad.

I'm not particularly attached to my job, I could quite easily find another one and settle in. My closest friends live in London and I don't see them very often but I'd be happy to make the extra journey to visit. DH also works a job that is very in demand and would be hired again quite easily, but he has lots of childhood friends in our town who he sees very regularly and I know a move would be incredibly hard on him.

Thoughts? What would you do?

OP posts:
WoolyMammoth55 · 26/01/2025 17:25

OP, if your DH will be very unhappy then your parents are potentially causing future problems in your marriage - driving a wedge between you and DH.

That is very bad on their parts and makes me think you have to say no to this.

I'm a parent (my kids are still young) but I would NEVER give a gift that was tied up in this kind of conditions and controlling demands. I just want my kids to be happy. They are behaving very badly.

In your shoes I'd say no and explain why. Say that you would gladly accept some help that was freely given, but you can't take money with strings attached to it.

ReignOfError · 26/01/2025 17:25

Oh, and I am retired and would go mad with boredom in north Norfolk.

TrellisMonday · 26/01/2025 17:27

God no.

Very controlling and unfair to put conditions onto a 'gift'.

What are they like generally??

AliceMcK · 26/01/2025 17:28

No, not with strings attached. You don’t know what other demands they would make later on.

Whotenanny · 26/01/2025 17:29

I'd also decline 🤷‍♀️ Strings attached to gifted money is never a good idea.

AngelinaFibres · 26/01/2025 17:29

Well the simplest solution is to say no to their money, buy your own house without help( in many years time) and accept that they won't be hands on grandparents because you don't live near them. If you want a different situation then you accept the conditions. Only you can know which one is best in the long term.

Justrestingmyeyes1 · 26/01/2025 17:33

It’s a big no from me. It’s not a gift if there are conditions attached and I feel they may use the fact they’ve given you this money to control aspects of your life going forward.
We gave both our sons a large sum of money to help towards the purchase of their first properties. That’s where our involvement ended.

Gardendiary · 26/01/2025 17:34

Absolutely not, imagine you agree and your dh is miserable miles from friends - it would be terrible for your relationship and his with your parents and could cause awful resentment. It’s so unfair of them to try and manipulate you in this way.

candycane222 · 26/01/2025 17:34

I don't think north Norfolk is a great place to be a teenager, where you are sounds much livelier. Supposing you went, disliked it and decided to move away again? Will your parents demand the money back or emotionally blackmail you?

I can't imagine moving your dh away from all his mates will do him or your marriage any good plus I am guessing some of his mates at least are at a similar life stage, offering potentially peer support or just other families to hang out with when the time comes.

I would say thank you but no thank you, you don't think overall it is the best decision for you as a couple.

unsync · 26/01/2025 17:34

Don't do it. No strings or nothing doing. It will forever be held over your heads. What happens as they age and need help? What happens if you get divorced? I wouldn't swap Cambridge for N Norfolk either as a younger person.

candycane222 · 26/01/2025 17:36

(and if they really cared about you, rather than primarily themselves, surely they would just gift the money with no strings?)

LongDarkTeatime · 26/01/2025 17:43

This sounds like a hard decision. If you accept and buy a house might there be more demands in the future e.g. having a key or frequency of visits? As others have said this feels controlling. It doesn’t sound like a gift. It sounds like a transaction. They’ll be buying your proximity, but what else?

Curtainqueen · 26/01/2025 17:43

Of course they are assuming that there will definitely be grandchildren, which cannot always be guaranteed for all manner of reasons.

Blueblell · 26/01/2025 17:46

Your dh may resent it if he has to move away from friends and is then not happy in the new area. I think it could be a recipe for disaster. I would say thank you but you can’t move away from where you are. They may relent or not

xyz111 · 26/01/2025 17:46

Absolutely not. There's no guarantee they'd even help you anyway. My PIL live close to my SIL and they don't help whatsoever.

Couldntthinkofadecentname · 26/01/2025 17:47

Never do anything with strings attached

RawBloomers · 26/01/2025 17:47

You’re being bought here, OP. What’s your value? How much is your DH’s social life worth? How much is your autonomy as a couple worth? Do they get on with DH? Do you like spending time with them?

Is there form for this? Were they quite controlling when you were younger? Have they always been upset at you moving away? Or has your DH been intractable about where you lived and they’re just trying to provide a way for you to get back to your own home town where you might have more friends and support?

Unless there are other factors in play I think you need to consider that the conditions aren’t really just about which bit of the country you live in. If they’d just wanted to be nearer they could have talked to you about this before they sold - tell you they’d like to downsize near you, offer you money towards a house and see if you could find a couple of houses near to each other in a place you were all happy with. But they didn’t. They downsized to where they wanted to be which was nowhere near where your lives were and then offered to buy your proximity (close to them and, presumably, away from your DH’s parents?). I doubt they are going to stop at just expecting you to live close, they will expect to be involved with your DC on their terms regardless of how much it works for you.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/01/2025 17:49

I wouldn't do that to DH (though of course you couldn't without his agreement) but I wouldn't even try to push him to accept, I'd hate to be moved away from my friends to somewhere I knew no one. It is always great to have parents near by to babysit but not if he is rooted in the area.

Their offer is fairly self centred, hopefully they just haven't considered/thought it through.

Guttedandblue · 26/01/2025 17:51

I’d say to take the money and move there. If you can’t settle then you could always relocate again and you would have the extra equity in your property.
Bit sneaky maybe but the parents are being controlling.

godmum56 · 26/01/2025 17:52

I don't think its unreasonable for them to offer their money under conditions that they choose. Personally I would not accept money with strings, especially not money that I couldn't afford to pay back instantly if things got awkward.

StormingNorman · 26/01/2025 17:52

You’ll be repaying this gift every day for the rest of their lives.

Onetimeonly2024 · 26/01/2025 17:53

Depends how you want to live. I love Norfolk (the beaches, the peace and quiet) but I’m old and a total home body. Transport is completely shite and if you are a couple that likes walking to coffee shops/restaurants etc, you will struggle in North Norfolk.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/01/2025 17:54

How about this.

'Thanks for the offer, it's very kind and generous of you. We really do want to be able to buy and start a family so it would be such a help. However, as we are not looking to settle in the area you are suggesting, unfortunately we must decline your offer.'

Then see what they say.

TurquoiseTortoiseToastyToes · 26/01/2025 17:55

I would only accept if there are no conditions too. Did in fact - my dad gave us money for a deposit, but I was clear that we’d never be able to afford to pay him back if we accepted it. He gave it on no conditions, but even then we have had comments about the house ‘he’ has bought. So think very carefully about accepting.

IKnowAristotle · 26/01/2025 17:56

It's an almost literal trap, OP.