Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

This

Oh hang on a minute. She's a new mother, with raging hormones and is vulnerable to PND herself (as are all new mothers). Her DH should understand that if you start a family 12 hours away from your parents home, it isn't easy to get back with a baby in tow.
I have every sympathy for him but OP needs to consider her own health and the wellbeing of her child.

Is your husband usually kind and considerate or is he always insensitive and selfish? Is this him grieving or is this just him full stop?

My mother died suddenly 16 minutes before my granddaughter was born… in the same hospital.

The ONLY thing that stopped my spiralling was my granddaughter. I HAD to be strong for her and her parents.

This is not about you and it doesn’t matter what you think or feel, if you want to still be married this time next year I’d go ASAP.
Because if my husband did this he’d be served the divorce papers before the funeral happened. Now is not the time to be selfish and use your baby as an excuse.

Get an airplane and he can meet you at the airport and go on the ferry with you.

You are not being unreasonable. I don't see why you have to rush up there right now. Your baby only has you to look after him and he is completely dependent at this stage. He will only get one chance at being a baby. You must be exhausted. Going and staying there for weeks will also be exhausting away from your home environment. Plan to go up before the funeral but not immediately. I expect your MIL would think it was ridiculous to all be there for weeks before a funeral. Choose the way of getting there that suits you. Your DH may be a bit resentful, but that is not surprising under the circumstances (although not really rational). But you are not responsible for HIS feelings of resentment.

Dear OP, I have just read some of the comments saying you are heartless and selfish. This beggars belief. Your are looking after the most precious thing you ever will have. I am sorry about his mother but losing your mother is a near universal experience and life has to go on for the living.

So OP, your DH wants you to carry a huge suitcase, baby and make your way to the house alone? He can't even collect you from somewhere? I know he is grieving but he should collect you from somewhere

I think when you're in the early days of grieving it's hard to think straight and perhaps you are more sensitive to things that wouldn't normally bother you and maybe that's why your DH is snappy and upset (all understandable).

I recently lost my dad and my husband and son came to say goodbye but after he passed it was just my sibling and I with my mum. I wouldn't have dreamt of getting DH and DS to take time off work to be with me. I knew that would happen for the funeral. (If I'd asked my husband he would have done his best to take extra time off but it wasn't needed.)

I would travel up in the most convenient way for you with a newborn baby - I'm surprised your husband is not thinking this way too. But I also agree with PPs that it could cause an issue in your marriage if you don't go and support him now as he's asked.

If you do decide to do the journey it's up to you how you do it. I don't suppose your DH has any idea of the difficulties - even going to the loo on a train is difficult if there is no-one with you to hold the baby! I would not have done it alone with a 4 month old, especially with the risk of bad winter weather.

This is absolutely not the same as your situation and you can’t compare it to if a man / husband did the same thing. She is the one who just gave birth 4 months ago and is running on little sleep with hormones all over the place.
I feel sorry for her husband and it is an unimaginable, unbearable loss but absolutely no way should she feel pressured to make a difficult journey on her own to an isolated location when she is in a vulnerable position as a new mum herself.
it is hard on both sides the husband and FIL are grieving so it is incredibly difficult for them, understandably. But that doesn’t negate the OPs situation and she’s right for prioritising herself and her baby

She doesn't have a driver's licence she can't drive she lives in the city. She told us in her posts.

She is booking a flight and then a taxi or otherwise it's two trains and a ferry.

Yanbu
I wouldn't expect my dh to come with me and he doesn't have a 4 month old!

If it is a Scottish island (and I'm a scot) this is ridiculous of your dh. Especially given the weather

Also wtf about all the grandchildren but happy to wait until.half term for one child but grumpy about a teeny wee baby

This is very odd and frankly if you live in the middle.of no where this is what happens - compromise

I think your husband and his father are making unreasonable demands of you at this time. The weather at present is very dangerous. Wait till this latest storm is over trust your instincts show as much love as you can and get up there as soon as you feel you and baby will be safe and not at risk. It’s a long journey to take alone at this time of the year with a very young baby. It’s too much to ask. Just make sure you are there for the funeral. And if you can get a sleeper train do. I’m glad you’re not driving. You are not being unkind or thoughtful I don’t understand why everyone is being so unsupportive of you. And I don’t think I’m a psychopath.

What’s your point?

You sound so insensitive here. It is his grandchild. He is allowed to fuss over him, and love him. That's what Grandparents do. I do understand why your husband is feeling upset with you.

I get it's hard parenting 4mo on your own. But he hasn't exactly abandoned you by choice. He lost his mum :(

Sending you a hug @Charlottef94 . You’re really going through the wringer.

You only gave birth 4 months ago. Especially if it’s your first baby, that’s no time at all. I can understand why your DH is stressed and snappy (grief) and why he needs someone else there (to help him support his dad).

But IMHO it’s not reasonable for you to travel alone for 12 hours, or go to his dad’s for weeks, with such a young baby. Even if your FIL lived in suburbia, let alone such a remote and isolated spot.

I’d suggest your DH stays at his dad’s for a bit with other family members to help each other with their initial grief and to make the numerous practical arrangements. Meanwhile, you remain at home with baby, with someone staying to support you (family members/friend/neighbour?).

Then, your DH comes back after a couple of weeks, leaving his father in the company of other family members/good friends/neighbours or to have some time to himself to grieve his wife.

Then you and your DH travel back up together with baby for the funeral.

Maybe stay for a week in total either side, given the long journey time.

That seems reasonable to me. I wouldn’t set off on such a long journey alone with such a young, unsettled baby with such bad weather coming.

But don’t be hurt by your DH’s tone, snappiness or inability to think things through sensibly. He’s just lost his mum and of course he wants your support. And if it wasn’t so far from home, and so isolated once there, of course you’d be there.

Your message was awful, no compassion at all for her poor husband having lost his mum. He’s trying to cope with his dad’s grief and his own and you’re saying you wouldn’t go to support your other half because you have a baby! Having a baby is not a disability!
if it was the other way around, you’d be saying he was selfish to not be there for her!

You quoted a post that you apparently haven’t read. Odd.
which part of forcing a dummy into screaming baby’s mouth , taking over, etc is just ‘what grandparents do’? I’d snatch my baby back if any of the grandparents did that!

What the fuck is this ridiculous opinion.

What do you mean "12hrs ok for you!". What was your point in sending that. You're trying to pass the buck.

I agree. It is. And the lack of compassion for a new mother, balancing the competing needs of a bereaved husband and a young baby completely dependent on her, is equally distasteful.

In either direction it doesn't have to be shit or bust. A bit of measure and compromise are what's needed here, but I get the feeling from this thread that these are increasingly dying arts.

Why is it a stupid question??
mid her mother had passed she would want her husband there. I asked her the question not you.
fuck off and be patronising elsewhere.

If I were OP I wouldn't tell us.

Frankly this thread is undeserving of further information.

I did wonder why its "too remote for a walk" wtf do Scottish people not walk in remote areas?! I need to stop my Sunday walks if thats the case 😂

It wasn't @BeLilacSloth's post you were responding to. That came from another poster. She merely responded in the vein that your post was completely uncalled for, however strongly you disagree with the earlier post (and FWIW, her position in this conversation would not be mine).

I must say I agree with the second poster. Your post far surpasses any negative sentiments expressed in the earlier one.