Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

He is grieving his mother OP! He is doing what it takes to het through each day. Now I know that on MN men are supposed to suck everything up and get on with life but men grieve too. No wonder there is such a bad male MH crisis going on. Right now you need to support him and take your cues from him. Not forever, but she literally died last week and your post is very full of ‘I’.

I am afraid whilst I have a lot of sympathy for you, I think you need to try and be as accommodating as possible. His Mum will only die once and although it's shit for you I would try to suck it up and do what's best for him (within reason). Sorry.

Agree with other posters, this isn’t about you, it’s about doing whatever you can for him. Losing a parent is such an incredibly difficult thing and this is the time for supporting him.

I understand how tough it is on your own with a 4 month old but you're being unkind to your DH. My mother passed 5 months ago and all my father wanted was his children and grandchildren around. None of us slept for days and I'm so thankful every day my husband picked up the slack with my DD. This is one of those times you need to suck it up and be there for him. It won't be until your own parents pass that you'll understand what's he going through

No, it's ridiculous to travel 12 hours to (I assume) Scotland when they could shut the roads with a 4 month old.

It's not a suitable trip, I wouldn't go at all. Nor would I put up with any sharp comments.

"So sad about your Mum but I'm not making the trip with the baby"

I can see both sides, but honestly you can't really understand the absolute turmoil you go through when a parent dies unless it happens to you. Your little one has already had plenty of time to get over the jabs - start making your travel plans to go today or tomorrow, your DH needs you.

Is it not possible for you to stay up for as long as it takes for the funeral?

Maybe just my experience but when mine was 4mo she didn't really care what was going on as long as she was with me! (Still doesn't really, could just be temperament)

Genuinely terrible advice, unless you want a divorce OP just completely ignore this one.

If my husband behaved like this while I was grieving my mother the first thing I’d be doing once feeling better is heading to the solicitors to start the divorce process.

Can’t you fly to somewhere nearer and be collected from there?

A 12 hour car journey? That's a long drive for one person who is already tired.

Yanbu.

Honestly, if my DP said this to me when my mum had just died I don’t think the relationship would recover.

The journey can be done in stages preferably on a train so the baby can be in a carrier but even driving I would just spread it out over a couple of days if needed. It’s not ideal but his mum dying is a once in a lifetime event.

@OatFlatWhiteForMePlease have asked this but for some reason he is adamant that I take 2 trains + ferry route and isnt keen for me to fly.

I dont think he is in his right mind at the moment with everything going on (understandable) but it's just eating away at me that I've done something wrong in not immediately going and instead being here.

The funeral could be over a month away due to FIL wanting 10 year old grandson to be there and it having to be during his half term. Where they live is so remote I would be unable to even go out for a walk with baby and DH would be WFH so not available during the day. It sounds so insensitive but I would honestly really struggle mentally to be there for that length of time.

Can you look at getting the sleeper train up and getting picked up from a station. They have little cabins which might give you a bit of space to yourself and be much easier than driving

This is an excellent idea, much safer than an overtired new mum doing a 12 hour solo drive.

But she is planning on making the journey, she just doesn’t want to go now. The journey will be made in a week or so anyway.

Last year my husband went on a stag do during the four months sleep regression, whilst my son had his first bad sick bug. I went up 4h journey on two trains and a lift at the other end to get support from my parents.

Sorry, but it really is making a bit of a fuss to give your baby several days to get over the jabs.

They have GPs in Scotland, otherwise the baby just needs cuddles, milk and a little distraction. The rest of the family can help with the baby.

Go and support your grieving husband.

Why isn't he keen on you flying?

Why is he trying to control how you travel?

Trains are good with babies - do you have a sling? Why can’t you go out for a walk where they are? Assume the terrain is not good for a buggy? Honestly get a carrier or a sling. It’s a game changer.

Sorry edit to add if you prefer to fly just book it, I wouldn’t ask. He’s got enough on his plate anyway.

Update - it's not on for him to dictate the type of travel, but he's maybe not thinking straight.

Have you tried a sling? Much easier on the train (and knocked my son right out when he was sleep regressing).

Great idea - I’d definitely opt for a sleeper train if there is that option.

I've done the sleeper train before, from London to Northern Scotland, its actually quite restful and a nice way to travel in the cabins, even managed 5-6 hours sleep.

Coming at it from a different angle, and one that probably makes me sounds like a heartless psychopath, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Yes, your husband is grieving his mum, and it's awful and he would probably love your support right now, but your baby needed their vaccinations. Unfortunately life has overlapped and you couldn't be in two places at once. You already delayed the vaccines by a week to spend time with your MIL.

As I said, I probably sound like a psychopath, but when my own mother died suddenly, life didn't just stop for everyone else.

People replying saying OP is all "me, me, me": well yes. That's how it should be when you have a 4 month old baby!

Absolutely bonkers that OPs husband expects her to drive for 12 hours with a 4 month old. Imagine driving on a motorway with a screaming hungry baby in the back, on your own? While sleep deprived? No thank you.

You need to have an honest discussion with your husband about travel plans and timelines OP. Could he fly back and drive you all back up?

I have been on my own for extended periods with a four month old (and a toddler). I have lost my mother. The latter was so much worse. I suggest you try to muster some empathy and support your husband. If not, he may resent you a lot later on.

I get its a tough time, but saying you wouldn't be able to go out for a walk by yourself? Really? Have you been watching too much Shetland? I can't imagine where you reckon you are that you can't pop out by yourself. A bheil an t-eilean cunnartach?

If it's easier to fly then fly, he can't control the way you get there and if it's easier to do that then that's what you should do if he isn't going to come and help you he doesn't get a say.