Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Stop halfway up in a cheap travel lodge /b & b then go the other half of journey & buy a cheap travel cot ?

Yes she died. That doesn't mean that you make rash decisions that could adversely affect you and your baby. 10+ hours travel with a new baby to a remote island when there are weather warnings in place is just stupid.

I'm sorry to say but I have to as your asking for advice, you are coming across as very self centred. I'm not surprised your DH is annoyed with you

I hope your children find time to visit you when you are old and you see your grandchildren. They don't consider their time with you to be boring, and they could be living their life elsewhere.

When that time comes and you die because that's what happens, your children will bury you. They might have the trip of a lifetime, and it's on the day of your funeral, you wouldn't want them to miss out on it. Life is for the living, as you say.

How your husband is reacting is about grief, uncertainty and missing you when he needs you most. AND of course you are getting all the back lash , and trying to do what's right for baby and all. Hang on in there ,hope you have some support at your end and try not to focus on 'him being cross with you', just be as gentle and understanding as possible, which I'm sure you are being. Take care.

So did you go or not? 🙄

Can’t you fly instead? Would that be an option? I presume your husband took his car? But you do need to support your husband he is grieving. Surely you can understand that? Wouldn’t you expect the same support from him?

So bloody selfish, I hope when you lose a parent, there’s no one there for you!

Unfortunately the timing is difficult but not terrible, really no good day to be bereaved, but baby is 4 months not 4 days or weeks.

Lots of people travel by themselves. Crawling or toddling would actually be harder to manage, it’s one of the easier stages.

I really can’t see why you are making such a drama out of this and DH is likely picking up on it.

Are there no local safe walking spaces or even a bus you can take locally? What other things can you do to support your MH?

Your posts don’t read very compassionate towards your DH or FIL, if there is ever a time to cut them some slack it’s a week after DM DW has died.

Why be so so horrible? What is wrong with you?

Wow, I'm actually shocked by loads of these comments.

12 hours of travel via train and ferry, through a storm which may block the route, is a massive undertaking for someone alone with a baby!!

Of course OP's DH is grieving but he's also already with his dad, he seemingly only wants OP there because his dad "wants to be surrounded by his GCs"...surely a 4 month old is no great comfort to him?

OP is already coping with a non-sleeping 4 month old all alone while he's been gone, and on top of that he's hassling her to travel up to him while also objecting to the travel methods OP feels most comfortable using. He shouldn't be arguing with her flying if that's the only way she feels she can make this journey.

Absolutely this. I think a lot of posters have missed that OP now has to drive by herself for 12 HOURS in charge of a 4 month old. Surely that could become 14-15 hours with stops for feeding and nappy changes? That's a safety issue in itself due to tiredness. You take care of your baby OP and stand your ground.

Hi @Charlottef94
Im sorry for your recent loss - must be difficult for all of you.
I would imagine your DH just wants you there because he loves you and is sad about his mum and is not his usual self because he’s in a state of grief. I hope you can make the journey. 4 month olds are usually pretty transportable. If you’re taking trains or flights that aren’t cancelled it should be fine.

Yes book a flight.

I feel like a lot of people are forgetting that being a sleep deprived new first-time mother is also a really tough time. Things can feel really overwhelming.

A grieving husband and an exhausted first time new mum are not the best combination!!!! Both need to try and give a bit of flexibility. Things haven't suddenly become really easy with the baby because of this very sad bereavement, and this travel is a huge undertaking to contemplate with a baby and luggage all alone.

My friend and sis both live in rural homes. I drive to them regularly. In most rural places you are driving down windy narrow lanes to get to the house. Some roads are more like dirt tracks. If this is the case for OP then you cannot safely walk a baby in a pushchair along these lanes. These lanes only have width room for 1 vehicle. She is completely right to not want to venture down them. Most rural mum's drive to a location where they can then safely walk their baby/child.

It’s the middle of winter on a northern Scottish island. She’s not making up excuses about this.

It could well become much longer if the weather is bad.

old people die thats what happens

what a delight you are.

Fuck me the lack of compassion for someone grieving is disgusting. And I say that as someone who greeted her mothers death with a "good".

What is wrong with people. YANBU, you are sole parenting a 4 month old. I wouldn’t travel 12 hours alone to go with a baby under any circumstance as it’s not fair to the baby and it’s unsafe in this weather. Your husband is understandably grieving but he should understand that baby needs to be safe so I would explain this to him and hopefully he should understand. Frankly your husband should go to FIL but you and baby should stay home. As a mum with a baby I would absolutely do that. Your husband is being unreasonable tbh but he’s grieving so don’t get too upset.

Well I'm going against the majority here. I really feel for both you and your husband. For all the reasons you have given, I can totally see why u do not wish to make the journey again on yr own with such a young child and I agree with you, FIL may feel like he wants all his grandkids around him atm, but he will also need periods on his own for silent reflection/grief. If hubby is insistent u go, and not by plane, I wd book a company driver to take u all the way. Whack it on a credit card if u have to. Atleast then u r not a sleep deprived mumma trying to make a horrendous journey with a babe. You can then safely watch yr babe in a carrier or car seat, but not b at the wheel. Maybe start the journey when babe wd normally settle for sleep. With a bit of luck they'll sleep thru a large part of the journey.

And how many hours would that add to a car journey I wonder..

Yeah. Sounds like excuses to me.

She absolutely is exaggerating.
it's not the north bloody pole