Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

There needs to be compromise, if he wants you there then you get there by whichever way suits and is easier, he doesn't get to dictate you can't fly.
Do you have access to a car ? or able to stay in a nearby hotel?

Where they live is so remote I would be unable to even go out for a walk with baby

Why?

Sounds like you are making up excuses

Sorry OP this is a horrible situation all round, but your husband is in crisis and you need to go to be with him.

Of course a newborn baby should ideally be the main focus, but this is not an ideal situation. Look into the sleeper option, definitely, but you need to go.

I think you should look past any sharp comments he is making in his moment of grief. And it’s understandable that he wants you nearby while grieving. I don’t think they should postpone funeral till half term, grandson can have a day off school for it. Deffo fly up though- I’m guessing it’s Shetland?

It’s really odd that he doesn’t want your to fly - seems the obvious answer!

So you'd go all that way, and stay for weeks, yet dh will be working the whole time up there?

Op I’m with you. Years ago, when my dc1 was 12 months old, my dh grandfather died, he was more like a father to my dh and he was devastated. He traveled a 16hr journey alone and I stayed home with the baby. Reasons were I had a new job and baby has been in hospital so it made sense for us to stay.
I hated not being there for him but dc1 came first and dh was first to point it out and be supportive of it. You dh may be grieving but not to put his wife and child first is not something I can fathom at all

I’m not sure what you are holding together, you’re just looking after the baby?

I’d fly for as much of it as possible; it’s you who is making the journey, so it’s you who should decide how you make it.

Why are you making it such a big deal? It’s not about you as has lost his mum and obviously is trying to support his dad. Have you lost a parent? You should be there to support him. It’s not a journey i’d want to do on my own and i understand not wanting to go up & down but if you go up for a week and come back down and go back up (with your husband going home with you each time) is it that bad?!

the weather hasn’t turned that much that trains aren’t or are unlikely to be running. At 4 months baby should sleep a lot of the journey anyway. If my DH had not been there for me when my parents died i’d have been a bigger wreck than i was & wouldn’t forgive him - if he’d tried to use the kids as an excuse i’d have been even angrier

Also agree with previous posters. This is huge for him and he needs your support. The world does not revolve around your baby. Babies are portable. Just go.

Why can't you just go for the funeral?
How much help are you going to be when you have a 4 month old to look after and your husband is working from home there?

I know it sound silly re going for walks but I don't drive and they live literally on a cliff edge with nearby road unpaved so not really safe.

DH would restart working to take mind off it I expect yes.

FIL wants all grandchildren there for an extended period so GS has to go during HT I assume school won't let him have a week off.

He needs your support of course but surely you can choose how you travel. If he's going to be working I'm struggling to see the urgency tbh. Nearer the funeral would be more sensible.

I think you need to look aside the sharp comments and simply book a flight the price will be about the same if not cheaper then 2 trains and a ferry.
Get babies vaccinations done then go.

Also not sure why funeral needs to be in half term for 10 Yr old GS - attending funerals is allowed usually by schools and if a Scottish school there is zero fines anyway!

OP wear baby if they are unsettled, as being close to you will help.

obviously you should fly or get a slow train. he doest get to dictate how you get there, and driving is terrible idea.

how is it so remote you couldn't go for a walk? are there no payments or roads? A walk doesn't have to be to a shop, it can just be outside?

make sure you lots of warm winter suits for the baby and go out walking daily, you could even try a bit of outdoor napping Finnish style if she isn't settling.

get a sling and you will be more mobile and hands free, its such a game changer.

His mum has just died, you do have to try and be a little accommodating. i'm sorry you are having a tough time.

Just go ahead and book flights and get there ASAP. DH needs you and babies get over vaccinations quite quickly

FIL is grieving but wanting all the GC there for a prolonged period isn't feasible especially if they're in school and the parents that need to facilitate this deaire can't work from home, life goes on unfortunately, it is unreasonable.

It sounds so insensitive but I would honestly really struggle mentally to be there for that length of time.

Really? - as compared to the mental struggle your DH is going through?

What do you actually mean by 'struggle mentally' - that you would be bored? Fed up? Missing your normal home? Don't get on with the relatives? Baby would be more work?

There is almost nothing you can say about 'struggling mentally' that would justify failing to step up for your DH right now.

Get a grip, and get on that train.
That is how a married person is supposed to behave when their partner is in a crisis.

While I can see why you stayed home to get the vaccines done and a day to recover, I don't understand why you haven't gone after that.
Supporting your DH through this unimaginable hard time should be one of your biggest prioritise after the baby right now. You put the baby first rightly to begin with but now there is no reason not to go.

If you cant do the drive (12 hours for a tired mum with a baby is alot) then get the train or fly. Train or flying would be better for the baby than being in a car seat for that long.

Just go and be there for your DH or its likely if you ever need support he wont be there for you....or you wont still be together. If me DH didn't support me through a tough time, I would seriously reconsider the relationship - small baby or no small baby.

have asked this but for some reason he is adamant that I take 2 trains + ferry route and isnt keen for me to fly.

Disregard this and fly.

Where they live is so remote I would be unable to even go out for a walk with baby

I don’t really understand. Why would remoteness stop you from going for walks?

Also, regardless of where you were, your DH would be working and presumably unavailable during the day?

Those months after giving birth are hard, OP. I think we all appreciate what you’re going through and you have my sympathies. But, YABU.

But the dh isn't asking her to come for him he is asking her to come as his dad wants to be surrounded by all of his grandchildren (one of whom cannot even come til the end of Feb). So its not for her dh is it?

Op of course you can walk on an unpaved road with a 4month old, with or without a pram?

Remote places often have no footpaths so you are pushing a pram in the road round a blind bend.

I agree with you, OP. It is a long journey that might be delayed because of weather and you have a 4 month old baby. You can support your husband until the funeral from home via calls and facetime and his sister is arriving shortly so he won’t be on his own. You don’t physically need to be there and neither does your baby. When you do go, take the sleeper as far as you can, it makes a huge difference to the journey and will be much more pleasant for you and the baby.

If you don't drive how were planning on getting there? Really you are making it all about you. Not even your baby . I can't believe how pathetic this sounds , can see why the refer to the snowflake generation. Yes , it might be uncomfortable and tedious but suck it up ffs . And as for not going for a walk do you think the residents stay indoors all the time ?? Sorry if you think I am being harsh but come on .