Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

Yeah I didn’t write any of that, that’s somebody else’s quote. However what you replied with was absolutely vile. Have a word with yourself.

Op didn't say she didn't want to go. It would be a drama for her if she went by train and then got on the ferry. Her husband is not thinking reasonably, and I hope she has booked a flight and taxi to get there if she did go. The op is also going through the post natal blues herself. Mumsnet can be harsh to mums who have recently given birth. Worst place to come to for advice if you're feeling compromised.

The op is also going through the post natal blues herself.

She definitely didn’t say that either!

I’m so sorry, this sounds like a horrible situation all round. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I can’t believe that your husband isn’t concerned about you and your baby doing that journey to the middle of nowhere in January, with bad weather forecast! I’d be worried sick in his position and begging you to stay put. I know we’re all different, but whenever I’ve lost someone close it makes me terrified of someone awful happening to other people I love.

If you didn’t have a young child things would be different but someone who is extremely sleep deprived and in sole charge of a young baby shouldn’t be making 12 hour journeys. I’d see it as verging on neglectful tbh.

You’re not being unreasonable at all OP, however, being expected to travel that far with a four month old by yourself when you’re sleep deprived is unreasonable. You put your baby’s needs first, that’s the right thing to do. X

She didn't, but sadly this situation could make her a prime contender for them. OP is trying to achieve the very difficult balance between the needs of her bereaved husband and those of a very young baby who is wholly dependent upon her. There is no question as to whose needs have to come first, and if her husband is presently unable to fulfil that priority then for now it must fall exclusively to the OP. This is a large part of relieving the burden on him and supporting him in his current situation.

I've said upthread that in OP's position I would likely go, but this would have to depend on whether travel arrangements are feasible especially given the weather warnings currently in place. She has to be the one to make that judgement call on what is best for the baby: her DH quite understandably isn't thinking straight and is therefore unable to do this.

@ThatRareUmberJoker - I agree with your assessment of this site's often brutal treatment of new mothers. Ironic, given the name of Mumsnet and its supposed function as a parenting support site. Such a shame.

I think you are right to put yourself and your baby first. Sulky husbands have no idea.
I find it a bit weird that your FIL wants lots of family staying at such a stressfull time, I'm surprised he can cope. Maybe that's the answer..they can't cope. So if you were there, they'd have an easier time, I think you'd better stay at home, for yours and your baby's sake. You've already been there, and must be exhausted.
Let DH take some of his family's load.

@@Charlottef94 do let us know when you get there safe ? I am hoping you didn’t go I think it’s unsafe for you to travel that distance in your circumstances. Lots of emphasis on empathy for your husband, fair, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t receive any empathy yourself. Life changes drastically and permanently when you have a young baby - bereavement, funerals don’t change that.

A lot has been said about resentment from your husband, and what about the resentment that you may harbour towards your husband who is pressuring you to do something unreasonable and unempathic? What if god forbid something happened to you both during your journey? If I just lost my mother my priority would be keeping my family safe and alive .

She doesn't have to. You know she had a baby 4 months ago and it's not easy. When people come on here to post anonymously they are feeling vulnerable. I would talk to my family and get their point of view because they know me best and what I can and can't handle. People are giving advice to someone who is potentially vulnerable and the op has posted that she will go tomorrow in response to the posts. She also has a 10 year old son and she needs to get permission from his school before leaving.

Doesn't mean it's not hard.

YANBU!!
You are a mother now. Congratulations btw :)
And the baby is your number one priority.
You do exactly what you think is right for you and your new baby <3

Yes! Absolutely put yourself and baby first when your husband has lost his mother! Do it!

Do tell us when he files for divorce

Very well said. This thread is everything that is wrong with mumsnet. Just an excuse for people to pile on to the OP.

Fuck me. This is it, the post that made me leave mumsnet. I do not understand how people have so little understanding and empathy for someone who has asked for people to listen. I really hope OP that you and baby are okay

Nasty. Nasty. Nasty

I agree. It is. And the lack of compassion for a new mother, balancing the competing needs of a bereaved husband and a young baby completely dependent on her, is equally distasteful.

You misunderstand. As someone who sees death and terminal illness on a daily basis...who deals with bereaved/soon to be bereaved family members and who supported her partner through the death of both of his parents in the last decade....my compassion and sympathy is with the grieving husband ans family and not the selfish person who can't put herself out for the sake of her husband at this time.

It's fucking huge losing a parent. Even I who hated her mother, gets the gravity of the situation, even if I didn't feel the emotion. For a normal family the grief is unbearable.

I hope that the people who judge this husband and son one day get rejected by your children.

You'd serve divorce papers to him for staying behind to keep the appointment for your baby's immunisation.. then staying home for a few days to give the baby a break from all the travelling and to make sure they didn't have an adverse reaction?

Then tell him he can't take the easier route of flying, but must instead travel 12 hours on various public transport of trains and ferries, which may well get cancelled or she could get stuck somewhere because of the bad weather that is imminent? Then give him the silent treatment for him not wanting to do that with a 4 month old baby until after the weather clears?

Yeah, she's not really the selfish one here.

Instead of pissing off and leaving her, for the sake of 12-24 hours difference, he could have waiting until the following morning to all travel together, but he didn't, so he doesn't get to dictate what she is and isn't comfortable doing with a baby on her own.. when he won't even put himself out to go and pick he up from the airport!

I would not be making a solo 12 hr journey with a small baby. Your husband wants you there he should return and collect you.

this was a terminal illness not a sudden death, he also has just returned from Xmas there saying good byes. Sorry but all parents die sometimes. You are giving him time to grieve and spend time supporting his father. Having a baby and not very close DIL there isn’t going to help one bit.

U could go when the funeral is happening or tell him if he really wants you there now you aren’t doing the return trip in 4 weeks time. I can’t believe the people who say you are unreasonable. 12 hrs gets you to hong Kong. Would they suggest to go there for a week then return again 3 weeks later?

there are lots of bugs around nori virus, rsv and taking a vulnerable 4 mth baby who hasn’t completed the vaccinations on multiple long trips whilst you are exhausted! Crazy for him and others to suggest you are unreasonable. I am not even sure a young baby should be spending that amount of time in a car seat? You have also been through the trauma of birth- I can’t believe other mums are giving you no empathy for that.

so many people who have not even visited Scotland obviously so have no idea of how remote and how shit the roads are. If he insists, fly to Inverness as the compromise and he collects you.

I am Scottish and I would not travel 12 hrs solo without a baby unless it was multi day trip ie 6rs overnight then 6hrs second day.

YANBU

These messages are mad. Would people respond same way if a man was doing this to his wife?? He is bereaved, probably feeling desperate and detached - I felt like I was losing my mind. Also trying to support his own dad. He needs his wife and child beside him, get there however you can, as quick as uou can and support him however you can. Why is this hard…

Maybe he doesn’t want you to fly up because if you drive you have sccess to a car but you could hire one from the airport.
It sounds like he’s struggling mentally and trying to support his dad, and needs you to lean on. But can you be there mentally for him to lean on?
Send him a message about how you feel rather than talking, and phone him after a few hours and he’s had time to digest it without flying off on one.
it’s a miserable time for you all. What would you mil have suggested?

OP is not being unreasonable, there’s a horrendous storm on the way which makes all mode of travel unsafe and disruptive.
OP must put the safety and wellbeing of her DC first, the weather at the top of Scotland is dreadful even on an ordinary day in January.
she must be feeling vulnerable and terrified to make that journey on her own an with a 4 mth old baby.
There have been some harsh comments on here, so not necessary!

It does matter what OP thinks and feels. It's nice you managed to stay strong for your daughter, would you have kicked her off her hospital bed and told her to go to a funeral if it was in Scotland, with her newborn, because "It's not about her"? No? How much time is a young mum allowed to focus on the wellbeing of her baby and her own until she becomes irrelevant?

If having his wife and child with him was such an important need to him, why didn't he wait ONE DAY so they could all travel together? the baby was having it's inoculations THAT day, what was the point of him setting off one day and expecting his wife and 4 month old baby to travel alone the next day.

Why won't he let her fly and go and pick her up from the airport, if he needs her with him?

I do find all these responses a bit much, both my parents have died, I'd have moved heaven and earth to be with them (and did) before they died, and would expect my husband to do the same (which he did), but after they are gone they are gone, I wouldn't make a woman and 4 month old baby travel alone for 12 hours + on unreliable public transport during terrible weather, at risk of being stranded or delayed, just to make me feel better.. but then some people are more selfish than others I suppose.

You are not being unreasonable at all! His immediate family should be enough and too many others could be overwhelming!

His grieving and I don't know if his father needs you or not but your husband does. His trying to tell you that, his just not doing so in the best way. Your baby is young and will sleep when tired regardless of location. No routine is going to have a big impact now. Travelling after jabs may be easier as little one is likely to sleep more.