Page 38 | Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

Charlottef94 · 2025-01-21T11:40:41+00:00

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old. When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression. I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment. I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey. AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

asrl78 · 22/01/2025 22:57

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 12:03

Great idea - I’d definitely opt for a sleeper train if there is that option.

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Just remember that "sleeper" refers to the time of travel, not to what you will be doing much of during the journey, going by my experience at least. It might be more restful if you splash out on the £440 top of the range double en-suite cabins but I would not spend that much on a train journey.

pikkumyy77 · 22/01/2025 22:58

daliesque · 22/01/2025 22:18

I agree. It is. And the lack of compassion for a new mother, balancing the competing needs of a bereaved husband and a young baby completely dependent on her, is equally distasteful.

You misunderstand. As someone who sees death and terminal illness on a daily basis...who deals with bereaved/soon to be bereaved family members and who supported her partner through the death of both of his parents in the last decade....my compassion and sympathy is with the grieving husband ans family and not the selfish person who can't put herself out for the sake of her husband at this time.

It's fucking huge losing a parent. Even I who hated her mother, gets the gravity of the situation, even if I didn't feel the emotion. For a normal family the grief is unbearable.

I hope that the people who judge this husband and son one day get rejected by your children.

An absolutely sick perspective masquerading as virtue. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

Elizo · 22/01/2025 23:07

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2025 22:45

If having his wife and child with him was such an important need to him, why didn't he wait ONE DAY so they could all travel together? the baby was having it's inoculations THAT day, what was the point of him setting off one day and expecting his wife and 4 month old baby to travel alone the next day.

Why won't he let her fly and go and pick her up from the airport, if he needs her with him?

I do find all these responses a bit much, both my parents have died, I'd have moved heaven and earth to be with them (and did) before they died, and would expect my husband to do the same (which he did), but after they are gone they are gone, I wouldn't make a woman and 4 month old baby travel alone for 12 hours + on unreliable public transport during terrible weather, at risk of being stranded or delayed, just to make me feel better.. but then some people are more selfish than others I suppose.

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I travelled internationally on my own with a very young baby, it’s really not that bad. He probably raced to be with his dad. Your parents only die once.

asrl78 · 22/01/2025 23:07

Doloresparton · 22/01/2025 18:25

The funeral may be 3 weeks away so a 10 year old can go.

I absolutely would not travel 12 hours with a 4 month old baby until the week of the funeral.
Pp’s saying op should suck up 3 weeks in the middle of nowhere with a baby, an overbearing fil and a dh who is going to be working all day would never actually do it themselves.

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When I was in hospital with a critical head injury my half sister travelled here from West Virginia because she thought she would be attending my funeral; however her daughter was in her mid teens, not four months old.

I'm not sure I get the logic of going on a 12 hour journey when the funeral could be weeks away. Why not wait until the date is confirmed and then travel up? You don't want to be travelling to Scotland over the next few days with 90+ mph winds and possibly blizzard conditions on high ground forecast. One death is tragic enough, don't make it two or three. Yes I have lost a parent so I know what it is like.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 22/01/2025 23:09

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2025 22:45

If having his wife and child with him was such an important need to him, why didn't he wait ONE DAY so they could all travel together? the baby was having it's inoculations THAT day, what was the point of him setting off one day and expecting his wife and 4 month old baby to travel alone the next day.

Why won't he let her fly and go and pick her up from the airport, if he needs her with him?

I do find all these responses a bit much, both my parents have died, I'd have moved heaven and earth to be with them (and did) before they died, and would expect my husband to do the same (which he did), but after they are gone they are gone, I wouldn't make a woman and 4 month old baby travel alone for 12 hours + on unreliable public transport during terrible weather, at risk of being stranded or delayed, just to make me feel better.. but then some people are more selfish than others I suppose.

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I agree, and there are some unnecessary harsh comments on here from other users too.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 22/01/2025 23:12

daliesque · 22/01/2025 22:18

I agree. It is. And the lack of compassion for a new mother, balancing the competing needs of a bereaved husband and a young baby completely dependent on her, is equally distasteful.

You misunderstand. As someone who sees death and terminal illness on a daily basis...who deals with bereaved/soon to be bereaved family members and who supported her partner through the death of both of his parents in the last decade....my compassion and sympathy is with the grieving husband ans family and not the selfish person who can't put herself out for the sake of her husband at this time.

It's fucking huge losing a parent. Even I who hated her mother, gets the gravity of the situation, even if I didn't feel the emotion. For a normal family the grief is unbearable.

I hope that the people who judge this husband and son one day get rejected by your children.

I don't think the op is selfish I understand all her concerns. She had a baby 4 months ago. She also has a 10 year old to organise as well. She hasn't said she doesn't want to go she wants to wait a few more days because of weather warnings. He could have stayed one more day so they could go together and he can help her. He choose not to. This thread and the responses is bizarre.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 22/01/2025 23:13

asrl78 · 22/01/2025 23:07

When I was in hospital with a critical head injury my half sister travelled here from West Virginia because she thought she would be attending my funeral; however her daughter was in her mid teens, not four months old.

I'm not sure I get the logic of going on a 12 hour journey when the funeral could be weeks away. Why not wait until the date is confirmed and then travel up? You don't want to be travelling to Scotland over the next few days with 90+ mph winds and possibly blizzard conditions on high ground forecast. One death is tragic enough, don't make it two or three. Yes I have lost a parent so I know what it is like.

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Yes the weather forecast is horrendous. It’s beyond belief that OP is expected to travel alone with a 4 month old baby under these conditions. I don’t think her DH is even considering the danger to his wife and child on this journey.,

TammyJones · 22/01/2025 23:13

HayleighCali · 22/01/2025 21:59

YANBU!!
You are a mother now. Congratulations btw :)
And the baby is your number one priority.
You do exactly what you think is right for you and your new baby <3

Absolutely
Baby comes first , before , even a grieving man, as long as he has at least one relative staying with him that's good enough.
Many people don't even have that.
My poor dad was soon back at work.
My dh wouldn't even want me travelling alone , all that way , even without a baby's
When fil past his sister and brother were a great support ti each other

Justhere65 · 22/01/2025 23:14

Sorry but this isn’t about you. Your husband is grieving his mother! Set aside what you want for once.

Codlingmoths · 22/01/2025 23:14

Needspaceforlego · 22/01/2025 15:32

Yeah someone suggested they'd need to be walked around killing your back giving you a headache - they were obviously thinking about Baby closer to walking than a 4mth old

And you asked if I'd ever seen a baby - no actually I've never seen anyone attempt too get a 4mth old on their feet

A 4mth old will sit fairly contently on train. But I would book them a seat using the family rail card just so you get two seats and more space.

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no I was thinking about a 4 mo. I remember going to Paris a couple of days ahead of my husband with my 10 week old and by the time he got there I wasn’t having fun, I was just popping nurofen and alternating sitting miserably in cafes and walking around carrying him in the carrier to vary the strain on my back until dh got there and could take the baby.

Timetochillnow · 22/01/2025 23:47

Leveling5 · 21/01/2025 14:16

I'm a bit confused with the comments! I am on your side @Charlottef94 , and I say this as someone who has lost a parent who was my absolute world. Surely a partner taking the slack and looking after the kids so he doesn't have to is as supportive as it gets? I don't really understand why she needs to be there, driving back and forth exhausting herself.

Clearly everyone is wired differently.

She’s said many times that she doesn’t drive

Daftlass88 · 22/01/2025 23:51

Go and be with him for however long it takes lovey. He needs you both. Take care ❤️

Woofie7 · 23/01/2025 00:04

I agree. I have been stuck on roads in Scotlandy for 12 hours with no help before. No one comes to help you or ask if you need help , often no phone signal , no loo. Definitely no comfort for post maternity issues.
so I’d consider the drive with caution .

can you fly and hire a car or drive to the nearest train station to get you straight through?

ThatRareUmberJoker · 23/01/2025 00:07

Daftlass88 · 22/01/2025 23:51

Go and be with him for however long it takes lovey. He needs you both. Take care ❤️

Don't worry I think she's going to risk life and limb to get there. All in the name of love 😍

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 00:15

Codlingmoths · 22/01/2025 23:14

no I was thinking about a 4 mo. I remember going to Paris a couple of days ahead of my husband with my 10 week old and by the time he got there I wasn’t having fun, I was just popping nurofen and alternating sitting miserably in cafes and walking around carrying him in the carrier to vary the strain on my back until dh got there and could take the baby.

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And what's that got to do with entertaining a baby on a train?

Why didn't you use a pram or buggy?

Posters seem to be making reasons up for Op not to travel.
Not a thought that she's at home managing the baby alone, yes it will be a long journey but she'd have DH support at the other end. And she needs to go and support him.

Yes she did the right thing getting the LOs jags. But now she need to go and support her DH.

And yes do keep an eye out for the weather dont choose the weather warning days to travel.

But she should really make some effort to go and support her DH. Or better for worse and all that

babyOnly · 23/01/2025 00:23

I know you have a baby and travel will be hard. You need to get there ASAP though. Losing a parent is such a massive thing. He needs you. That trumps anything.
If you’re not there in his time of need, when he has also specifically asked you to be there, then it will cause permanent damage to your relationship.
if my husband did that after my mum died, it would have been the end for us.

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 00:28

babyOnly · 23/01/2025 00:23

I know you have a baby and travel will be hard. You need to get there ASAP though. Losing a parent is such a massive thing. He needs you. That trumps anything.
If you’re not there in his time of need, when he has also specifically asked you to be there, then it will cause permanent damage to your relationship.
if my husband did that after my mum died, it would have been the end for us.

I think so too. This is his moment of need. If it was the other way round her DH was making excuses not to travel - MN would have his guts for garters - as my mum would put it.
He'd be torn to shreds.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 23/01/2025 00:42

Charlottef94 · 21/01/2025 14:00

This is the slight issue I have. FIL has always treated me like an incubator and I know that what he really wants is for the baby to be there with him - not me, I'm just the transporter for the baby. Prior to this I've had problems with him trying to take over, being controlling with my baby, holding him screaming forcing a dummy into his mouth, acting like I don't know how to settle him, etc. etc. He has an obsession with his grandchildren and all he wants is baby to be there with him.

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This isn't the time to be settling scores OP.
Your DH needs your support, be there for him.

Losing a mother isn't a joke.

ChuggerMugger · 23/01/2025 00:48

Woofie7 · 23/01/2025 00:04

I agree. I have been stuck on roads in Scotlandy for 12 hours with no help before. No one comes to help you or ask if you need help , often no phone signal , no loo. Definitely no comfort for post maternity issues.
so I’d consider the drive with caution .

can you fly and hire a car or drive to the nearest train station to get you straight through?

She can't drive so no.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 23/01/2025 00:48

If he really wanted his wife and baby there he would have waited one more day. They could have gone together. This is not about what the husband wants it's what his father wants. His father wants his grandchildren around him. Her DH didn't realise this until he got there and now he's pressuring op to come down.

CatsnCoffeeetal · 23/01/2025 02:41

ThatRareUmberJoker · 22/01/2025 21:13

What do you mean "12hrs ok for you!". What was your point in sending that. You're trying to pass the buck.

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You have misunderstood what I meant.

Agespot · 23/01/2025 03:31

Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 12:37

I think you should go but you should fly. See how it’s going when you get there, pack your kindle/ebooks and just try to do your best, but don’t push yourself past coping, so if it’s noisy 24/7 with people and baby up all night then you will need to go home not stay for a month, as people can’t function without sleep for an extended period of time.

Out of all I've read this is my favourite, kind and suits everyone.
What a lovely person you are ❤️

Agespot · 23/01/2025 03:41

Cornecopia · 22/01/2025 21:23

Why is it a stupid question??
mid her mother had passed she would want her husband there. I asked her the question not you.
fuck off and be patronising elsewhere.

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Wow don't mince your words! I thought on here was all Laura Ashley and swapping recipes! 🤣

Codlingmoths · 23/01/2025 04:03

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 00:15

And what's that got to do with entertaining a baby on a train?

Why didn't you use a pram or buggy?

Posters seem to be making reasons up for Op not to travel.
Not a thought that she's at home managing the baby alone, yes it will be a long journey but she'd have DH support at the other end. And she needs to go and support him.

Yes she did the right thing getting the LOs jags. But now she need to go and support her DH.

And yes do keep an eye out for the weather dont choose the weather warning days to travel.

But she should really make some effort to go and support her DH. Or better for worse and all that

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Because a cabin suitcase and a buggy is really hard to manage as one person and navigating the paris metro especially the stairs is also really challenging. As someone pointed out 4mos can’t get out and walk when it gets tricky. The train bit is you’re either jiggling a crying baby in a futile attempt to calm them or standing up rocking /walking them for plenty of us mums.

Choccyscofffy · 23/01/2025 05:47

ChuggerMugger · 22/01/2025 22:08

Yes! Absolutely put yourself and baby first when your husband has lost his mother! Do it!

Do tell us when he files for divorce

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If we’re throwing around divorces maybe she should divorce him for saying she can’t get a flight out and refusing to pick her up from the airport.

Or expecting her to stay a month in the middle of nowhere.

A decent man would go back home in a couple of weeks and escort his wife and baby to the funeral.