to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

You work full time- he works part time in comparison!

He’s being a dick; if he wanted kids, he can’t just absolve himself of all responsibility, other than financial.

I honestly don't understand the 'I've been at work all day' argument. If he was single, presumably he'd still have to go to work and do all his own laundry. It's not like you were asking him to make a start on a long strenous task after a day at work.

It’s so depressing to still hear this shit being trotted out. Kids are 24/7, he needs to do his fair share because you both bloody work hard but you do a lot more hours than him! Selfish sod.

I agree OP, he is being completely unreasonable. The way we balanced things is equal downtime. He can’t opt out of parenting because he works 5 days a week to your 2. When you two are not employees, you’re parents second- so any free time is to be spent doing house and child care with equal down time for yourselves. If he goes off to see mates on the weekend, then you get equal time to see your mates on the weekend or whatever else you want to do. If he has time for the gym, so should you.

when I went back 3 days we sat down and had a conversation that I was working as well and we split the chores 70/30 like our work week was (overtime I work more and it is now more 60/40)

he is massively taking the piss

I'd be leaving anything belonging to him from the washing pile exactly where it lies.
YANBU.

YANBU. You should not have the same amount of 'me' time. Just as you are reliant on him earning the significant share of the money, so too is he reliant on you providing childcare for him to do his 'oh so important' job. Both of you could, in theory at least, manage without the other but it would have a significant financial implication and life would be much much harder (I've been a lone parent with a mortgage and childcare bills to pay so believe me I know!)

Point is you're both reliant on each other. It's a mutual dependency. You are a team. Unless one of you thinks they are more important than the other, that should mean you're both better off and want to share that fairly. The simple way of ensuring that is equal down time.

I think we need a bit more info. Is your DD in nursery full time? For example. What are you doing on your 3 days off? I'd be doing your Tesco shop then, or get it delivered for example.

Yanbu op.

The only fair rule is fairly simple

EQUAL DOWN TIME

Time when you are commuting, working, have the kids with you, cleaning, running errands, housework is 'work'.

All disposable hours are divided in two. Half each.

So he can’t take the kids or do housework because it’s all too stressful for him? Which just proves that he KNOWS how much you do and how hard it is. Yet he’s the one that needs time to recharge……hmmmmm

YANBU.

With your current arrangement, you basically get no time for yourself while he gets loads. You work in your paid job, and literally whenever you're not doing that, you're doing childcare or housework. So you never get time off. Ever. You're essentially working, either as a parent/housekeeper or in your paid job, seven days a week including evenings.

He, by contrast, goes to work and then has the weekends and most of the evening to do nothing.

If he thinks it's not stressful doing things like folding laundry or caring for a child, then he shouldn't have any problem doing them after a day at work. He's shirking like crazy.

The fair arrangement is that you share any housework and childcare that takes place when you're both at home.

I’d be petty and pedantic. So you’re going to the gym for 2 hours on Saturday? Great, which 2 hours are you okay with me taking - Sunday afternoon or Monday evening? We both need equal leisure time. I’d also offer him more opportunities for childcare as he clearly thinks it’s easy 🙄 I hate this kind of attitude but see it a lot where the woman’s role is to make life work for the man.

Can we please not start lecturing the Op on her time/management skills. He refused to help fold the family laundry—that is a shared responsibility ffs. Even if you subscribe to the SAHP is a skivvy model the OP has a right to downtime after work like other servants. She never has time off. How is this fair?

Agree YANBU. If he is having time to go to the gym and do his hobby playing around with the car, then you need time out too. Why can't he watch the children while you do the shopping? He needs to step up.

He is being a dick. And he knows it. Tell
him you’ll go back to work FT then and everything else other then work needs splitting down the middle

He needs to step up to the plate - you both work hard and he needs to do his share.

he’s not a bad dad.

No, dont let him off. Anyone can be good when around kids for 20 minutes, as long as they have time to “recharge”

He's a terrible partner and father because he'd rather spend his time go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car rather than making sure his family are catered and happy.

Do your Tesco shop online
No one needs to take toddlers shopping
Delivery or click and collect

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad.

Without fail, every single thread about a useless no mark bloke who got lost on his way back from 1955 invariably has the disclaimer about him "not being a bad dad". It's almost a benchmark of how awful the bloke is.

A good dad doesn't assume that his wife is a domestic slave. He's not a good dad.

As a PP mentioned, you need to go back to FT work and then you won't have to deal with this shit, he will.

I do try to get as much done as possible on my “days off,” but with DD and DS at home most of the time, I’m already juggling naps, snacks, and the general chaos of small DC! I’d love to just do a Tesco delivery, but DH always moans that the substitutions are rubbish. Maybe I just need to ignore him and do it anyway!

My DC were older when I went back to work part time and unfortunately xDH and I never got on the same page with this and are no longer together. He was even working from home and still wouldn't help out!

He needs to he told its not fair and either you figure it out between you or its going to be a slippery slope to resentment and divorce

No he wont Blokes like this still dont step up

Let him moan or go to the shop himself if he doesn't like it. He has two small children and that means his weekends are not his own time to relax and do what he likes! You need to agree a fair division of free time - if he takes Saturday morning then you take Sunday morning etc. He doesn't get to leave you looking after the little ones on your own all weekend.

When i worked part time, and had preschool children. I would fo what i could during the day (and yes some days the house looked like a bombsite as kids had needed more attention etc). When DH was home then things were generally split 50/50 so one of us would bath the kids whilst the other did the dishes after dinner. Weekends if there was lots to do one of us might take the kids to the park whilst the other did a chore. Or we woudl do chores together and then take the kids out somewhere.

It doesnt last forever, the kids are teens now and DH wfh whilst i work FT out of the house so DH probably does more little kobs like sweeping the floor or dishes etc dhring the day whilst i do more deep cleaning on the weekend. Whilst i used to do most of the cooking when the kids were little so it was ready when DH got hole from work, now DH or one of the kids will cook so when i get home its almost ready.

doesnt sound like your DH is acting as a family unit with everyone getting equal amounts of chill time.

Yes your DH is being unfair. Absolutely ridiculous to expect that amount of ‘me time’ or time to recharge with two young DC. You will grow resentful really quickly if something doesn’t change.

Start taking charge of the situation. He doesn’t like the substitutions in online grocery shops? Tough. He can eat cereal. He doesn’t want to help fold laundry? Ok fine, his clothes don’t get washed. Don’t allow yourself to be treated as the house maid.

You need to literally leave the house as he does bedtime. ‘Ok honey, you’ve got the kids, great! I’m off to the gym’. And just leave. Turn off your phone. The house can always wait, laundry can always be done later. Time for yourself and your health etc. are so precious and they are the first thing to go with young kids.