to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

So I'm in his position as DH is part time. I work long hours when I'm working so I do relax in the evenings (although I get up and make the kids breakfast so it's not like I do nothing, but I don't help loads round the house on a weekday). On the weekend though I wouldn't dream of making regular plans and if anything DH has more time 'off' because he's with the kids more during the week. I WOULD NOT DREAM of making plans every weekend and I always check DH is OK with it if I'm going out with friends as he needs to plan childcare around it. Your children are younger than mine too. Your DH is taking the piss. Whip him into line (although he's just made me look great, please thank him, I think of myself as quite lazy compared to DH)

Oh and fwiw my job is really stressful. I don't stop, lots of responsibilities...

Mothers load 🤣 seriously though - I was in the same position as you - partner worked full time me part time - he would go out every Tuesday and Thursday night - pub straight from work on a Friday - out watching football or rugby on weekend. If I was going somewhere he would always come back late to take over with kids. I spent most of my time resenting him and arguing my case it made me want to punch his face in! He shaped up in the end after I made him leave for a few days - realised he was a selfish *nob who would end up in his own! Kids are older now and I think he regrets how he was back then. My advice is kick him in to touch or go on strike!

why dont you shop in the week when kids in school / nursery or go in the eve, no reason to drag screaming kids around the supermarket!

But yes, he needs to help at weekends

I’d definitely recommend doing your Tesco shopping online to be delivered.
Have a conversation about how you need him to share the household chores a bit more and that you also need time off from working and taking care of the children.
If he’s unwilling to help around the house, can you get a cleaner??
I’ve always worked part time since our son was born and have done almost all of the housework, laundry, cooking, etc. I’ve resented it at times but accepted that is how it is for now… interestingly we’re both now running our own business and working similar amounts yet it’s still me doing most of the housework stuff, cooking and childcare!
It’s honestly not worth the arguments that would occur to try to get him to pull his weight. Maybe next time I’ll make better choices 🤣

Swap - you go and earn and he will stay at home as a sahd!

Get a full time job as this arrangement isn’t working for you and ask him how he wants to split the household stuff

I would remind him that if you divorce he gets to clean his own house, do his own laundry and cook his own dinner even if he has been at work all day and on top of that he has to do all of the above plus drop offs and pick ups from nursery and school for dc as well as bath time and bed time for 1/2 the week

What days off? I was a SAHM for a time and didn’t have a single day off

In the nicest possible way, wake up. He’s making the weekly shop your problem and then criticising how you choose to do it? F**k that.
Presumably he’s also making it your problem to meal plan, buy the food and cook?
Ocado. Substitutions are bang on or on a rare occasion nothing but not since Covid. Yes it’s more expensive but you can always do a monthly shop for own brand stuff in bulk elsewhere.

Personally I’d just go full time, buy in help for cleaning and laundry and the cost of childcare and help comes out of the family pot.

The alternative is you find things that become solely his responsibility and can do them when he wants.

Id also arrange an all day unavoidable commitment on a weekend so you can breeze in at 9pm, ask him how his day off was and whether he got everything on the list from Tesco. Lazy sh*t

How it's going OP?

It sounds like not only is he not an equal parent - he's treating you like an employee who not only has to do everything, but also has to do everything the way he thinks it should be done ...

And this is why more women file for divorce than men.
I stopped shopping in a shop when I found out delivery existed. Ocado do mad substitutions but you can hand them back. Waitrose have a button for no subs. I'm surprised tesco are so poor.
However compared to your useless husband tesco are the epitome of wonderful at least they do something to contribute in a positive way.

You need to break it down for him what it's gonna look like when you leave his ass and he is doing all his own chores plus having the kids on his own several evenings a week and every other weekend.

You need to get your rage on, TELL him what he will be doing and if he doesn't do it then u stop doing all his chores. Once he has to make his own meals, do his own food shop clean his own smelly washing, including iron, fold and put away then he might see what you do. Then , you book a weekend away with your mates/family/self and have your own downtime . He's a selfish lazy tear but you are enabling him by allowing it. This is not normal relationship stuff. Just cos they work 37 hours a week means nothing when u have a home wife and kids. Selfish.

Another weaponised incompetent man child who believes women are there to do the housework, what a wanker, I had one of these - wanted a round of applause if he so much as put a cup away, unfortunately it rarely changes he will always see you as the lesser person

leave the dc its him and go to the supermarket for 3 hours, most have a nice coffee shop

when you get back all recharged if he says anything - say its not work you know

@intpark21 It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop

Tinkering with a car is a chore in the same way that doing the shopping or washing is.

Cars don't magically maintain themselves.

Oh, how I remember this scenario. Asking for any kind of help with laundry, washing up, food prep, child care was always met with 'thats your job' . His mindset never changed, whether I was a SAHM, worked PT or even FT. I had to shoulder the work load. Walked out one day and never went back

As they say, a mother who asked her husband to change a nappy is a lazy slut. A father changing his child's nappy is a hero of the century and is celebrated.
It took my DH a while to get used to the "new reality" of sharing the household work and child care.
Once, when I was fed up with everything and complained, he told me: "Why are you behaving like a martyr?"
That was an excellent question and a turning point for me.
After few days of no clean laundry for him, his plates and cups not finding their way to the dishwasher because the magic fairy was on vacation he got the point.
We have shared the care since and he doesn't complain anymore. Sadly, many men don't get it, especially as the general attitude still is that men are "only helping" their wives.

You can turn off substitutions with Tesco as well.

@heyhopotato
Thank you all information is useful.

In my house it all came to a head in lockdown. After a heated discussion when the 2nd UK lockdown loomed, I announced I was returning to the office two days a week and he could choose which two days as he was responsible for the children then. God it was the best thing I did. He found out what it was like in the first lockdown when I was juggling work and childcare.

It worked so well, that I simply just say what I'm planning to do and then discuss around the timing. So I'll announce I'm going to go to the gym once per week and ask when bests suits DH to be solo with the kids.

I go away for the day/weekend often with a hobby group (bit like scouts for adults so loads of meet ups for badges etc) and I'd really recommend finding something that you'd like to do. It's not only building a network outside of your partner but you're not sucked into stepping in (because you're not there). I get a bit of non-mum me back and have experiences that are just mine.

Plus, I'm teaching my son that he needs to see mess and step up, as well as teaching my daughter to expect a partner that does 50%.

Edited to say that DH is now loads better at recognising the wife work that seems to fall my way and he makes good attempts to take that load.

It's not inherent in the male nature, it's just that they're allowed to behave like this.

Saying that, fortunately, my DH and his brother have never been like this. They come from a reasonably traditional family background where DF worked and DM stayed home for the early years but they know full well how to look after themselves. When children entered the equation they've done their share of nappies, night waking, feeding, childcare and so forth. They can grocery shop, iron, do washing and cleaning and cooking. Essentially, they're functioning adults.

I'd just not stand for what OP is putting up with. Both people in the marriage are parents and both should handle the responsibilities that come with rearing children and managing a household. If the DH is so incapable, it's time he learned. OP is tired but doesn't get any "me" time and that needs to change.

Leaving him to it, by actually going away, is a good strategy, but it has to be for at least 7 nights.
If it is only for a weekend, you will come back to the house being a bomb site, no laundry or tidying done, nothing ready for school next day, he will have fed them on takeaways or frozen pizza, and then will turn round and say it was easy and he doesn't know what you are complaining about.

So it has to be a long enough period for him to really feel the consequences.

Housework wise if you sign up to be a housewife or part time working and home maker the lions share of the housework falls on you as he's contributing financially to allow you that time with the kids and to care for the home

I genuinely think there should be a show made out of this, like wife swap. Where the husband is a SAHP or works part time and does all the life admin whilst the mum works full time and does what they want in ‘their free time.’ I would absolutely tune in, and hopefully it would open the eyes of fucking useless men.