to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

@Botanybaby

Are you a man?
Do you have children?

If your answers to the above are no then yes, have you ever worked part time or been a sahp? 😂

This is a hill I am willing to die on:

if a parent doesn’t treat the mother or father of their child with kindness, patience, respect, consideration, empathy and warmth, they, to me, are a bad parent. In fact, I would say that they are abusive.

Love encompasses the qualities above.

When I worked pt I did as much asI could while he was at work but once he was home it was a straight 50/50
Went full time when youngest went to school and straight 50:50 from then

They're not days off.
She is caring for her children.
There is no obligation for all house stuff to be done while he is not there,
Even if she didn't work outside the house at all there wouldn't be.

He's a bugger.

I'd call him on it.

Please join this group, it will help: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

Me and my husband sat down and wrote down EVERYTHING, laundry folding dishwasher cleaning bins recycling DIY pets doctors appointments school run shopping etc and put the amount of minutes /hours that it takes weekly, plus my PT work 27h and his FT 48h. Then got split 50/50.
It turns out I was doing around 90h a week of work or more.
It worked ❣️

I wouldn't bother telling him anything. Actions speak louder.

First of all, do an online shopping order. Make sure it arrives at a time when he is in and you are conveniently not on hand/ in the toilet/bath. Tough if he doesn't like it. If he moans tell him he can pick up what he needs.
Then work out when you would like to go to the gym or swimming or whatever you like. If he goes out on Saturday, then maybe you can go on Sunday. Maybe meet up with a friend for lunch as well. I reckon golf is more than a few hours? Take the same amount of time. Or maybe even do it on Saturday late afternoon/early evening when he comes in, as then he can do bedtime. Be ready as he walks in the door, wave cheerily and be on your way. Don't ask or explain, just say you're going for your exercise session and get out that door.
Same thing re washing, you don't need to discuss it, just don't do his.
My guess is that you have naturally gone along with he wants and automatically take his preferences into account. You don't have to. Go with your own preferences. No need for fuss or arguments, just do what you want, like he does.

I’m a SAHM and I home educate my autistic daughter. My husband works FT. He comes home from work and cooks tea, cleans the kitchen, walks the dogs, takes DD swimming/trampoline park and I either do some other jobs or chill out.

Show this to your DH. He is useless and needs to stop acting like a teenager.

I’m getting on this hill with you.

Yes what happened op?

I agree with everyone else. No real advice as I didn't manage to make mine step up. But I can say that he missed out (as I did all the stuff for DS) and he's nowhere near as close to him as I am now he's an adult.

Plus I stopped doing stuff that was purely for H. So no washing, sorting laundry, reminders of family birthdays etc.

Erm shopping is still work and not me-time.

Did you time travel and pluck him out of the 50's? 😆YANBU. I certainly wouldn't be going to the supermarket with 2 toddlers while he pisses about at home. He needs to get a grip, life changes once you have kids, for everyone, not just the mother.

i had a mantra towards the end (i'm divorced, he was a cunt) that any job that he would have to do for himself if he were single, was a shared job. I was not his fucking maid.

So cleaning, laundry, food shopping, cooking.

It got to the point i stopped doing any of that for him and just dealt with myself and the kids, and our cooking/laundry because he wouldn't cop on.

When i left he soon learned how hard juggling kids, job, and housework was on the weeks he had the kids.

I'm female with 5 children and was a stay home parent until the youngest went to school