to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

If he's too busy or needs to relax tell him what they tell little kids, you get what you get and you don't get upset.

He's being a selfish dickhead. Equal downtime is what's fair. I'd leave his laundry entirely and any other jobs you do that benefit just him. If he's not going to be a team player then he doesn't get the advantages of being a team. XH was like this, though he's also abusive, amazingly all those things he couldn’t possibly do with the kids and the house he can do them now he has to. He could be lazy and taking the piss in which case you may be able to change things by taking time for yourself and those other things PP have suggested. He could also be an arsehole who will put his 'need' for down time before being married and in a family. XH would rather be divorced than pick up after himself and share the load fairly. He got angry and nasty when his down time was threatened, then he got abusive.

Right now your DH is putting his 'need' for down time ahead of you, ahead of your mental and physical health and ahead of family. He's not a good dad. Good dads share the load and want to do so, and want to spend time with their kids.

"To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids..."

We need to look at how we are defining what makes a bad Dad. If he's avoiding pulling his weight and spending time with them then he is a bad Dad.

If you did what he's doing how do you think you would be judged as a mother?

OP, your husband is a selfish arse.
Stop doing anything for him.
Certainly no laundry.
Let him eat cereal.
Your expectations must be very low that you have allowed this to fly.
Any man behaving like this is a shit husband and father.

Change things while you can.
Soon the sight of him will rightly disgust you.

Laura Dern pretty much sums it up here.

Your job is not 24/7 while his his office hours.

Tell him he'll have the kids half the time and NO time to himself during that time if you tell him to get to fuck over his inability to recognise this and step up and do his share.

His share during evenings and weekends. Not 'helping' you, but his share.

Then how about he bloody does it? Useless creature he is!

Because OP has said so?

All of this. He sees you as a domestic appliance. I cannot believe women are having to put up with this sort of attitude in this day and age. From their husbands!

I would be fully consumed with rage if my partner treated me like this! I can’t abide shirkers, especially when the thing they are shirking is a joint responsibility.

DP is great with baby, we share evening and weekend duties, giving each other space to take me time when needed - hair appt, seeing friends, going to football etc… He does his bit at the weekends, he does occasionally need a push but never refuses if I ask him to do something. We mostly parent together because kids are exhausting 🤣

I couldn’t accept being treated like I am lesser, and nor should you! He needs to take a look at his attitude and ask himself where his judgements and biases and come from. Then accept it’s 2025 and not the dark ages!

YANBU OP but I am not optimistic about him changing his mindset.

What makes me laugh is that with men like this if they're with the kids they can't do anything else as that takes their entire attention, yet they expect that if the woman has the children she is also expected to be a multi tasking goddess at the same time! So which is it? It's either easy looking after children in which case dp can tidy at the same time, or it's fucking hard so give the woman a break and help out! I've shut dp down with this in the past and tbh the only thing that made lasting changes was me being gravely ill and him having to do EVERYTHING for days. Only then did he truly GET it.

He's being totally unfair.
I think a real frank conversation is needed. When he's home, you need a plan to divide childcare and household tasks between both of you and rest time and time out of the house for both of you too. Xx

Fucking hell these type of threads are so common on here and are so depressing. Is your DH from the 1950s? No? Then he needs to pull his fucking weight. Equal down time is the only way to split it. How can he with any conscience sit around in the evenings whilst you’re still slaving away? Twat. And he should at the very least have the kids so you can do the supermarket shop in piece. Taking kids to supermarkets is pleasurable for no-one. He needs to shape up.

She's already said he's not a bad dad, she'd kind of know better than you with all due respect

It's unfair. Depending what the job is, watching 2 small children and looking after a household is much more tiring than work. I use work to unwind! I suspect your DH knows it and is just one of those people happy to shift work onto others as any opportunity.

My DH and I work and then split what's left to do in terms of childcare 50/50. We try and take it in turns to keep it fair so one person's not running around doing cooking and baths every night while the other has their feet up.

I'd tell you partner it's time to swap and he can do PT and have ALL of his non-work time consumed with housework and childcare and while you get to sit around and 'recover' from your work. See if he jumps at that opportunity.

Surely you can't have any love or affection left for this man?

Do online shopping and stop doing ANY of his washing, for starters.

He's being a dick.

YANBU about any of it, apart from that your should get your shopping delivered.

He’s being a lazy sod. You need to start from the principle of equal downtime. Not of “he gets all the downtime”.

outsource what you can - if he doesn't like the substitutions that's fine. He can go to the shop. and take one child with him (when i worked full time with small children i did the supermarket shop on Friday in my lunchbreak. Horribly stressful)

Laundry folding? ok prioritise. Do yours then the DCs then... you have no time for anything else because you have other things to do.

When you are off can you go to the gym? for a walk? get some downtime?

This!

You should have equal free time, one lie-in each at the weekend, and equal fun time away from the dc/the house each week.

He should also step up and do half of anything that needs doing when he is not working. Including weekends. Lazy sexist git.

What was he like before you had Dc?

And please get a Tesco delivery. Saves so much time. One of the best inventions ever. Who cares about the (rare) substitutions?!

Get a Tesco delivery and give yourself that time and stress back for starters

OP he's being an absolute dick. Ask him how he'd cope having the kids on his own 50% if the time if you left him for being such a dick? Because you'd certainly get loads more free time.

This is exactly it! He’s happy to do the fun bits, but as soon as it’s something that requires effort, he magically "needs a break." I’ve been thinking about getting a cleaner too it’s not like we can both be working all the time and then I’m expected to do everything else. I’m definitely going to start doing the grocery shopping online and just tell him he needs to get on with his share of the chores. If he doesn't like it, tough!

if you can be strategic about which chores you leave out, you can manage it so only he is inconvenienced.