to think DH is being completely unfair about this?

[intpark21]

Posting here because I need some perspective, and I know this will get traffic. Name changed, obviously.

So, DH and I have been having a bit of a disagreement recently, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. To set the scene: we’ve got two DC, DS is 5, and DD is 2. DH works FT, I work PT, and I do the lion’s share of the housework and childcare because of this. Fine, no problem, I signed up for it.

The issue is that DH seems to think his evenings and weekends are “his time.” For example, the other night, after the kids were in bed, I asked him if he could help me with folding the mountain of laundry currently taking over the living room. His response? “I’ve been working all day, I need to unwind.” Fine. Except I’ve also been “working all day,” just not in an office.

It’s the same at weekends. He’ll make plans to go to the gym, see his mates, or spend hours tinkering with his car while I’m left doing yet another Tesco shop with two feral toddlers who can sniff out the toy aisle from 20 feet away. I’ve suggested we divide things up more fairly, but he gets all huffy and says he needs time to “recharge” because work is stressful. Right. Because being screamed at by a 2 year old who doesn’t want her nappy changed is so relaxing.

To be clear, he’s not a bad dad. When he’s actually with the kids, he’s great, and he does bedtime most nights. But AIBU to expect a bit more help with the day to day stuff? Or do I just need to suck it up and accept that this is what being a SAHM 3 days a week looks like?

You work 2 days a week? I would say that it should be split 50/50 on weekends as you’re both home. In the evenings, you should both be sitting down at the same time so leave that stuff to the weekend or try and get it done during the day. I don’t blame him for not wanting to fold laundry at 9pm. I’m surprised you want to too.

This is such good advice - I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own. I do worry about the house getting into a state, but you’re right, the laundry can wait! I’m going to make a point of prioritising some time for myself and stop letting DH treat me like staff. Let’s see how he likes folding his own laundry for a change!

Why do post like these always proclaim the guy is ‘a good dad’. He isn’t a good dad. At all.

I agree with this. I'd also make some plans and tell him how it is, the way that he does. So for example, "Next Saturday I'm going for lunch with my mate. I'll be gone from 11.30am to 2pm." Then write it on the wall calendar and add it on his Google calendar and whatnot. Please do not go down the "Do you mind if I go...?" route. This gives him the false idea that he's in charge of your free time and you need his permission. And that just because he does a few more hours of paid work than you? Fuck that!

Try have a rational discussion that after he gets home childcare and chores are 50:50. On weekend you get a day to sleep in and take it easy, he gets the other weekend day.
if he doesn’t get it, he can start doing his own laundry, cook his own food etc since it’s downtime according to him.

He can't have it both ways.

Either:

A) looking after kids isn't work and therefore he'll be happy to do it while you go out and enjoy yourself/ go to Tesco alone or whatever.

Or B) childcare IS work, in which case he needs to share the housework load with you as you are working FT too.

Which is it?

He's fine having a nice time with his kids, reading a story etc. The reason he is 'good' at that stuff is because it's nice and relaxing. But the actual horrid or relentless stuff like shopping/cooking/cleaning/laundry ... f that. He is not doing that. That's your job.

I would say 'we need to get a cleaner who also does the laundry'. And I would do grocery shopping all online. I would look after the kids and cook, that's it.

‘ Kids daddy’s not coming shopping today, it’s just us’ or ‘we’ll go to the park today but daddy won’t be coming’ in front of him. It’s somewhat petty but it’ll hammer it home. I also agree with all of the solutions above except just watch the ‘you going to do what you want to do whenever you can’ thing- tried it and dh continued with his going off too which just ended in the family not being together as a whole enough. (But do you time of course!)

Your husband is an arse. I’m the main breadwinner. DH works 3 days part time. We divide the housework chores on the weekend equally, and similarly during the week. He does the night wakes on the nights he’s not up early for the work commute and home with our daughter and I do the weekend and one day during the week. The way he thinks is so strange.

I think it is very unfair - I think you should become the main breadwinner and work full-time and let your husband work part-time. Then you can do what he is doing now - recharging batteries.

@intpark21 definitely get a delivery. Doesn’t like the subs? Off he trots then (with the kids preferably). Don’t fold/put away his clothes - sort yours and the kids. And so on.

Yes, he's being completely unfair. He's getting away with it. Start putting things for yourself on the calendar and leave him to it.

So he won't watch the kids whilst you shop, he won't come with you all / go alone and he doesn't want you to do an online shop?

I mean this isn't just leaving you to do the lions share, this is actively making your life harder.

And this is just one example?

Exactly! I’ve said this to him before if he’s so picky about the shop, he can go and do it himself with the DC. That’s how I do it, so it’s only fair. But of course, he always has an excuse about being “too busy” or needing to “relax.” I think I just need to put my foot down and get a delivery he’ll have to deal with the substitutions like the rest of us!

He’s not a good dad. Or a good husband, or even a good person. A good person doesn’t treat the person they’re supposed to love like a skivvy.

However, you need to stop being a doormat too. Tell him he has to do his own bloody laundry or just stop doing it- if you keep doing it for him he’ll keep letting you!

Someone as selfish as him won’t change of their own free will- he needs a shock. Stop running round after him, and tell him if he doesn’t step up you’ll leave and then he’ll have to do 50% of everything whether he likes it or not.

Your problem is "you've suggested it". Just tell him "Wednesday, I will be going shopping so don't book anything in your diary please". He can go to the gym when kids are in bed or he needs to limit it.

Reads to me like hes using the kids to try and control OP

I’m so tired of these men that I read about. DH and I have 4 kids: 10, 8, 6 and 6 months. He works full time. I’m on maternity leave. Yesterday I said, “right, we need to clean this house” so he said he’d take the main floor and I could take the upstairs. And then he proceeded to take the baby with him and clean whilst entertaining her.

He parents all the time. The moment he gets home from work, he’s with the kids and then takes a breather to have a shower or start prepping dinner. We trade off on weekends to each get some me time. We also clean and do stuff with the kids.

Tell DH to stop being so lazy.

I mean if the shopping is what you do then it's up to you how you do it imo.

Who do substitutions mainly affect?

I'm thinking the one who does the meal planning & cooking.

Leaning towards that also being the person who shops!

Oh but he IS a bad Dad

Fucking hell, the patriarchy just won't quit, will it.

Childcare is like Schrodinger’s workload for these men- it’s a ‘day off’ when mum is at home caring for the children, but at the same time so incredibly taxing that it couldn’t possibly be managed by a man who has sat in an office all day.

Why are his working days M-F 9-5, but yours are 24/7?

Get a supermarket delivery. He can put up with what comes, or go himself, or parent while you go.

Schrodinger’s workload is incredible @Inertia

I have a delivery every week from tesco and I can count on one hand the amount of subs i’ve had in 6 months. Say no to subs and just pop out for those few things instead of a full shop. Its far easier, my kids are older now but i’ve been ordering online for years. Nothing would persuade me to go to the store for a full shop, if i had young children absolutely no way.

I think you need to arm yourself with a list, on the fridge or somewhere very clear, and have a chat about your weekend schedule a few days before. This is what needs doing, when did you want to go the gym, how long for, this is how long I need you to have the children for to do the food shop, this is when I’m going etc. Then it’s clearly a joint responsibility (not that you should need to point this out).

He’s being outrageous and treating you like a doormat but unfortunately some men will push the absolute limits of what they can get away with until challenged (said from experience as a SAHM!). Also, tell him from now on you are doing an online shop, unless he wants to do it himself (but to budget and properly, not a half baked attempt..). (And don’t put his clothes away, leave them in a pile. You are not his maid or his mother. Repeat that to yourself continuously!!)